Parody Central

2011-12-12T21:05:00.001-05:00

The Wizard War

The terror - when you look back now it was really about the terror. Once we got over our fear the war against the wizards lasted a few months. You remember how scared we all were when He Who Shall Not be Named was on the loose. Sitting around scared waiting for some pimply faced miracle boy to save us wasn't going to do any good, we had to take matters into our own hands.

Once we did our organization, intelligence and technology won the day rather easily. You see a wizard is really a medieval creature, they think they're smart knowing spells and all, but they're bound by ignorance and superstition. Yes you can ward off bullets with a good spell, but spells and wizards wear out quickly. You know what doesn't wear out quickly? A machine gun. Advantage: Humans.

After we figured this out the rest was easy. Ooh a flying broom oh no! Just a slow moving unarmored target that has no concept of the advances in aerial warfare we made in the last 100 years. Invisibility cloak? Medieval throwback designed hundreds of years before thermal imaging sights. Don't even get me started on what happens when you steal or break their little sticks. Wow, you can move through a magical fireplace network? You know what else moves through a fireplace network? VX gas. You don't pull punches when humanity's on the line. I still remember some D&D reject in a silly dress standing on a bridge shouting "you shall not pass!" He wasn't so cocky with a guided missile up his - well you get my meaning.

And their allies - Wizard please! A dragon was pretty scary to a medieval peasant. But it's easy prey for even a hand held heat seaking missile. And a sidewinder - not enough bits left over for dragon jerky. Giants? One bullet in the kneecap, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. A Centaur is the biggest target you ever did see. The Dementors were tough, until we learned they could be blinded by a simple targeting laser.

In the end You Know Who was a paranoid recluse hiding out in some castle in another dimension. It only took one informer to betray the entrance (No, my wand, don't break my wand!) and he was done. Nuclear weapons. Can't see them coming, no spell in the universe protects you. And they thought they were smarter and better. Hundreds of years behind the times. Could make an invisible horse, but couldn't hide from a hand grenade. Why was anyone ever so impressed with wizards in the first place?

2011-11-14T20:22:00.001-05:00

God Still Undecided on Election

Washington - With the campaign season well underway, it appears that God, like most republicans is still undecided and prone to changing his mind. This became apparent when yet another Republican candidate came forward and disclosed that the Almighty Creator of the Universe had in fact told him to run for President. The apparent waffling of God's will is causing consternation among pundits and poll watchers alike.

Early in the campaign season it appeared God had chosen a candidate, as Michelle Bachmann announced that God had told her to run, a big endorsement for the Minnesota Congresswoman. Thus it was very confusing for newsmen when Herman Cain announced last week that God had told him to run, promising his support to the newly surging candidate. Stranger still, this week Rick Perry's campaign reported that much earlier God had told him to run for President. Uncomfirmed rumors hinted that Newt Gingrich may also have received an endorsement from above.

FOX News Analyst Ignor Amos commented, "It does appear that there is some indecision on God's part as to which Republican candidate will have his full support. This shouldn't worry people, as God is often a little unclear in his focus during the turbulent primary season, but in the end his will is going to be apparent to all." Still many voters are worried, unsure of who will be the next President as long as God is unwilling to settle on a final choice. One other explanation came from an anonymous angel who said, "Off the record, God is just messing with the Republicans. We all know who he always has and always will support - Mitt Romney."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet. (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2011 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2011-10-04T22:28:00.001-04:00

New Proof of Evolution Found

Scientists Find Proof of Evolution

2011-09-21T21:25:00.001-04:00

The Ballad of the Pink Berets

The Ballad of the Pink Berets

2011-06-18T21:04:00.001-04:00

Ghadafi Gets Help
Hang on Ghadafi, help is on the way!

2011-05-25T21:53:00.001-04:00

God's Blog III

God's Blog

2011-05-02T21:02:00.001-04:00

Bin Laden: Where's the Death Certificate?

Washington - The reported death of Osama bin Laden has raised a great deal of controversy from the far Right. For the first time, many seem willing to consider outlandish conspiracy theories about the President. The so called "Deather" movement claims that Osama bin Laden is in fact not dead. "Deathers" focus on the failure of the President to release bin Laden's long form death certificate.

"Deather" spokesman Owta Meimeind commented, "Where's the certificate? I'll believe it when I see it. Obviously there's really good evidence to doubt this so-called death and no good reason to believe it. Isn't it a little suspicious that someone who is President and is running for President 'suddenly' captures bin Laden. That's very suspicious, it's like he just ordered all our forces to make it their number one priority to catch our greatest enemy. I've never seen that in a President before."

Donald Trump has promptly dispatched a research team and announced, "The things they've found will blow you away. I can't say what things, but just watch 'The Apprentice.'" The government of Pakistan also refused to believe bin Laden was dead, stating, "We have no idea where he is, but he's certainly not in our country, much less at 5436 Bhutto Lane in that tan Three story with the red roof."

In response the US government released details of the plan, photos of the compound, and the complete DNA sequence of bin Laden. In reply the Deather movement said, "All we want is some proof, why won't our dark skinned Muslim President come clean? Why does he keep hiding the truth. Why do people keep calling us racist?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2011 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2011-04-30T18:06:00.001-04:00

Captain Kirk's Blog IV

Captain's Blog

2011-03-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

Emperor Palpatine's Blog

The Emperor's Blog

2011-02-19T20:19:00.003-05:00

Taco Bell Introduces Fourthmeat

Fourthmeat

2011-02-05T21:03:00.000-05:00

Republicans Reject Democracy

Washington - In a complete reversal of values, conservative commentators came out strongly against democracy in light of recent demonstrations in Egypt. The reversal comes at the end of long two years of shifting feelings about democracy in general among conservatives that seems to have originated around November 2008.

Conservative commentator Flippe Flawp explained the new position, "The Egyptian people are grave danger of voicing an opinion and changing their government. We just can't advocate governments changing because people are unhappy with them. That is not a value the Republicans have ever stood for, honestly. Look we're all for freedom and liberty and all the other key words we like to repeat, but if you let dark skinned muslims make their own choices, they might make the wrong one, like elect a black man. I can't prove this, but it's best not to let them try."

Dick Cheney, appearing on The O'Reilly Factor, had a very long laugh with his host, "Remember when we invaded Iraq and said we wanted to bring freedom and democracy to the Muslims? Hilarious! Like George Bush and I were just sitting around the White House crying because somewhere some dark skinned Muslims in some pissant country didn't have freedom. Boo-hoo. 'Let's spread democracy through the Middle East.' Yeah Right" O'Reilly cut in between laughs, "Of course this show has always been SUCH a supporter of our Muslim brothers around the world. We just would do ANYTHING to unselfishly help Muslims - hah! Who was buying that? It's not flip-flopping, we just never thought anyone would take us seriously."

Rush Limbaugh also chimed in, "What the Egyptians need is rule of law, order. Wait, they arbitrarily arrested reporters and beat them.? Hilarious. Why can't we do that here? Oh, rule of law, order. Damnit, don't tell me they arrested FOX reporters too? Great, that's too much contradiction, even for me. Tomorrow we'll come back and try to talk about the injustice of it all with a straight face."

Tea Party spokesperson Kawlfer Vylensse also spoke up, "You can't just have angry crowds rise up because a government isn't responsive to their needs. Dear god, what if some of those crowds are armed? I sure hope the Egyptian government is prepared to use violence against them. We don't want this democracy to spread around the Middle East. They could do something crazy, like elect a black man. This isn't a flip-flop, we tea-partiers have a two year tradition of getting upset at people choosing their own governments, at least when they choose the wrong ones. This tradition goes back to November 2008. Democracy leads to socialism/nazism and black men in power. What you need is DEMOCRACY which means violent, angry people with guns get to choose the leadership. So see, Egypt already is a DEMOCRACY."

2011-01-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

Captain Kirk's Blog III

2011-01-22T22:18:00.001-05:00

Sarah Palin's Pro-Obesity Campaign

2010-09-25T18:13:00.001-04:00

Alexander the Great's Blog

Alexander the Great on Gays in the Military

2010-09-18T20:56:00.002-04:00

Tea Party Theme Song

White, White Babies

(To the tune of "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice)

Yo Gop let's kick it

White, white babies

Whiny babies

All right stop, don't cogitate just listen

GOP's back with a new invention

Angry white groups of middle class Joes

Think the wealthy are victims of our tax code

How does that work I don't know

But I heard it on Beck's show

We're the extreme ones who shout about democracy

But we're really pissed off cause we lost one you see

We claim there's no freedom no more in this land

Lost a free and fair election to a black man

World is at an end we have been told

Then Glenn Beck told us it's time to buy gold

Scream bout Nazi Social and such isms

But look at our signs and you'll see racism

If there is a problem we don't mean it

Check out Fox news while the pundits repeat it

Chorus:

White, white babies, whiny babies (2x)

Now that the party is jumpin

Keep that fear kicked in an prejudice pumpin'

Quick talking points that do lack substance

Middle class whites claim they get no justice

Eight years they said deficits don't matter

Suddenly nothing can make them madder

And we load up with conspiracy theories

Obama's a Jewish communist nazi

Glenn Beck even said so

He's a raghead, muslim fundamentalist

A homo baby killer and athiest

Are we mad no just because this

Group of theories do self contradict

Freedom is dead

Yo so we continue to demonstrate claim no one listens

Like we're not getting enough attention

Only every few seconds do we get a mention

Love Jesus and freedom we said

Pray every day that Obama will be dead

How's that for a lesson for your young sons

If you lose an election go gather your guns

Guns endangered can't you tell

I believe it though those gunshops all do well

Changes happen way to fast

Gays, Mexicans and muslims in my class

Minorities are taking over the place

The government just added another black face

Why the world changes I can't understand

But there's way too many dark skinned folks in this land

If this is a problem, yo we'll defeat it

Check out Fox News while the pundits repeat it

(Chorus)

Take heed cause we're angry and we show it

Talk about freedom but can't stand when we don't own it

We know Obama's no American

His name sounds funny and he has dark skin

That's not racist why do they accuse

He's just not like us why isn't that news

Revolt when you lose

That is a hell of a concept

We like the hype and anger we run with this

We say the the others are extremist

If wealthy peoples taxes rise just a little bit

Then all freedom is ended and we're socalist

We keep complaining and whining we yell and push

Cause the man we didn't vote for won't act like Bush

If sounds too crazy we won't heed it

Check out Fox News while the pundits repeat it

(Chorus)

Word to the Other

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet(www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-08-18T20:34:00.001-04:00

Obama's Blog II

Obama's Blog II

2010-08-16T21:22:00.001-04:00

Culture Center Causes Controversy

Honolulu - Plans for the construction of an Asian cultural center several blocks from Pearl Harbor have ignited great controversy. Liberals have been claiming Asian-Americans have the same rights as everyone else while conservatives have claimed that anything Asian near the site of the famous attack of December 7th 1941 is an insult to Americans who died there.

Rush Limbaugh complained, "Imagine our veterans walking down the streets of Honolulu and seeing Asian signs and Asian faces. We have to protect our veterans from this outrage." Sarah Palin twittered on the subject,"It's too soon Asians, this isn't racism, but whenever we see any of you we're reminded of that horrible day when you people sneakily attacked us. Please understand this is sacred ground for Americans."

Tea Party spokesman Ray Cisste commented, "Just because Asians have the right to do something doesn't mean we should let them. They're taking this 'right' thing too far. Dear god, first it was the blacks, then the women, now the Asians want rights. I supposed it won't stop until we're all equal. Can't we just say rights are good for some of us and put the Asians in a bunch of camps. What, Roosevelt tried that? I thought he was a democrat. Way to go FDR!"

President Obama chimed in, "American values are justice and equality for all. That means everyone, even minorities. WE don't want to imitate our enemies, we want to be better than them. We have to show the world we truly are the beacon of freedom and equality we claim to be. This is what makes America great, we don't want to be a nation of irrational prejudice and idiotic racism and discrimination."

Republican spokesman Jim Crow commented, "Those remarks just show how out of touch with the American people President Obama is."

2010-08-07T19:35:00.001-04:00

Gay Marriage Makes All Others Invalid

California - Just as conservative commentators predicted, a federal judge's ruling in favor of same sex marriage has made all heterosexual marriages invalid and meaningless. From now on no one will bother to get married and all those who are already married find their unions completely worthless. Wedding reservations around the country were cancelled, causing a horrible recession. Children from loving homes now found themselves on the street and no new pregnancies were reported.

Pat Robertson was one of the first to comment, "I told you this would happen. Marriage is based on the bible, which is quite clear: marriage is between one man and one woman, or one man and a woman and her sister, or one man and a bunch of women, or one man and the woman he raped, unless he pays her some money. We need to follow the exact wording of the bible in all things. That's why I never eat pork or seafood, wear clothes with two different fibers or plant more than one crop in my garden. Only if we do all these things can we have a good Christian society, just like the bible says, in the plain English with which it was written."

Conservative moral leader Newt Gingrich chimed in, "If gays can marry then all three of my marriages lose their unbreakable, holy, God given meaning. For what is marriage if not a big *&##$ you to gays? What other purpose does it serve?"

In Las Vegas, Elmer Fudwinkle, an Elvis impersonating dwarf who runs a drive-thru wedding chapel commented, "This is the end of my business. There is no longer any meaning to marriage if two committed interior decorators in San Diego can pledge their loyalty for life. This is truly destroying the sanctity of marriage. I hate to see such an august traditional institution degraded like this."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-07-24T16:41:00.001-04:00

Hitler's Blog V

Hitler's Blog V

2010-07-03T22:45:00.004-04:00

Why Glenn Beck is Just Like Hitler

What would happen if we applied Glenn Beck logic (If there is a such a thing.) to Glenn Beck? The following would become obvious:

1. Glenn Beck is a charismatic speaker with a fanatic following. Hitler was a charismatic speaker with a fanatic following. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler

2. Glenn Beck is a masterful user of Radio, Hitler was a masterful user of Radio. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

3. Hitler was of German descent and was raised Catholic. Glenn Beck is of German descent and was raised Catholic. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

4. Hitler blamed the government for economic recession, Glenn Beck blames the government for economic recession. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

5. Glenn Beck is blonde, Hitler liked Blondes, therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

6. Hitler blamed media elites for destroying the country, Glenn Beck blames media elites for destroying the country. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

7. Hitler didn't like Gays, Glenn Beck doesn't like Gays, therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

8. Hitler didn't like France, Glenn Beck doesn't like France. Therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

9. Hitler didn't drink, Glenn Beck doesn't drink, therefore Glenn Beck is just like Hitler.

10. If you ameteurishly photoshop an image of Glenn Beck to look like Hitler it makes him look like Hitler, which totally proves he's just like Hitler and is soooo original and funny.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Coopyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-05-07T16:47:00.003-04:00

George Rekers Scares Republicans Straight

Colorado Springs - The gay sex scandal surrounding outspoken Republican anti-gay activist George Rekers has caused waves of fear to spread through conservative ranks. The fears are caused by the string of prominent anti-gay Republicans involved in gay sex scandals these last few years. The resulting terror afflicting Republicans was explained by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family:

"According to our best Republican science no one is gay, ordinary heterosexuals merely choose to be gay because the gay lifestyle is so, so tempting. If even my good friend George Rekers, author of many books and articles on the evils of the gay lifestyle, can be tempted, then the rest of us have to be on our guard. Anyone of us could turn at any moment. You might wake up one day and go out to work on your pickup truck or hunt little animals, but by afternoon you're worried about matching china patterns and renting The Wizard of Oz. The only cure is to fixate on good heterosexual activities, like action movies. How about something with Russel Crowe? There was a great one where he was a sailor, and then one where he was a cowboy, and ooh, don't forget Gladiator! I am so totally not gay."

Glenn Beck also chimed in, "Since anyone of us can fall prey to this I will only watch hardcore porn from now on. There's nothing more masculine than good nasty hardcore porn. There was this one, and there's this guy, and it was like 9 1/2 and then there were money shots, and then... well anyway I'm so totally not gay."

Rush Limbaugh also came up with a foolproof innocculation, "No action movies or porn for me, I'm only watching all girl movies from now on. Like that fabulous Sex and the City. Those girls are crazy! There was this one where Carrie lost her Manolo Blahniks, it was horrid! I am so totally not gay!"

The Reverend Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church warned of even greater dangers, "Despite what you do any one can be tempted at any time by the fabulous gay lifestyle. Those gays will tempt even the most heterosexual among us with their hot bodies and luscious tempting lifestyle. We must be on our guard, I know for a fact what these gays are up to. They have a nasty gay agenda: To make us all buy nice window treatments, pay more attention to fashionable footwear, and ultimately put Cher, Barbra Streisand, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on Mount Rushmore. I am so reasonable and totally not gay."

The Gay Agenda:

George Rekers Scares Republicans Straight

2010-05-06T21:20:00.002-04:00

Written in May 2010 after George Rekers, prominent Republican Gay Basher and leader of Focus on the Family's anti-gay campaign, was caught taking a European vacation with a male prostitute he purchased from a site called rentboy.com. So many anti-gay Republicans have been caught in gay trists the last few years it supports my thesis that the reason they keep talking about the "temptations of the gay lifestyle" is because so many of them are closeted gays themselves. It explains alot. Why...

...because I can.
George Rekers
(To the tune of the "Flinstones" theme song.)

Rekers, meet George Rekers

He's with Focus on the Family

From the site of Rentboy

He revealed why he's so self loathing

Focus on the family can't be beat

As a place for closet gays to meet

When you're with George Rekers

You'll have a really really good time

A secret guilt time

You'll have a gay old time

Rekers, meet George Rekers

He's with Focus on the Family

From the site of Rentboy

He revealed why he's so self loathing

Someday, gay bashers will all admit

That they love to sing those Streisand hits

When you're homophobic

You'll have a secret self loathing time

A silent shame time

You'll have a gay old time

George Rekers

2010-04-30T20:49:00.004-04:00

Drill Baby Drill!

Anchorage - Sarah Palin reiterated her well thought out energy policy today in the wake of a massive oil slick heading for the gulf coast. Said Ms. Palin, "I said Drill Baby Drill! I said it would solve all our energy problems and have no enviromental consequences. There'd be cheap oil and prosperity and puppies and ice cream and unicorns for everyone. Environmentalists are all communists, envorimentalism comes from communist countries, it's a communist idea. I know this is true, I can see how enviromentalists run Russia from my front porch."

"And now I see the lucky gulf coast inhabitants are going to get a huge benefit from this policy: free oil! Even as we speak a massive amount of oil is just going to appear in people's backyards. What a wonderful thing unregulated drilling is. We just can't get enough of that oil, I wish I was there! Thank you oil companies!"

FOX News anchor Glenn Beck joined in, "I hear big government is trying to step in and block our free oil from reaching shore. Tell them big government is the problem not the solution. I don't want some socialist government telling me what I can or can't have washed up along my coast. That's just communism. Tell Washington to keep their hands off our free oil. Thank you oil companies, keep em drilling! "

GOP spokesman Michael Steele applauded the gulf coast oil bananza, "We can see the future today, an America just awash in oil. Go to the gulf coast and take a look at this bright well thought out policy and thank a Republican."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-04-28T16:53:00.001-04:00

Arizona's Immigration Law

Arizona's New Immigration Law

2010-04-09T20:52:00.001-04:00

The Pope's Blog:
Pope Benedict's Blog

2010-03-23T15:02:00.000-04:00

President Barack Obama's Blog:

Obama's Blog

2010-03-21T21:41:00.001-04:00

Health Care Reform Angers Heaven, Pleases Hell

Washington - The passage of Health Care Reform has caused much spirited emotion, in both Heaven in Hell.

In Heaven God himself wept, stating, "How could my children have done this? Keeping poor people from taking their children to the doctor was the last spark of my light on earth. Truly the Antichrist will reign now."

Jesus also expressed dismay, "How could people turn themselves from my message so much? If poor people can go to the doctor and they're children too then truly I have failed in everything I did. Did no one read the bible? The message is clear - Keep the poor from getting healed! Oh humanity, how can you sin so?"

The Founding Fathers were more outraged in their reaction, "We wanted a free country where the rich had health care and the poor suffered. If poor children can see a doctor then truly Democracy itself has come to an end. We came together to create a new country, a beautiful place where poor people got sick and died and no one cared. If just one poor sick child gets to see a doctor then surely there is no freedom any more. How could America destroy itself so?"

There was some celebration over the passage of health care - in Hell!

Satan couldn't stop laughing, only muttering between guffaws, "I did it, the greatest project I ever undertook. Once enough poor people can go to a doctor the Antichrist will reign and all goodness on earth will come to an end."

Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao, Caucescu, Kim Il Sung and a host of nasty people you never heard of until 2009 but now think represent everything that's evil were all laughing and dancing and eating Christian babies in the joy that comes from knowing that all their evil plots were finally fulfilled now that poor children might get some access to health care in a few years. Truly Hell itself could not have concocted a more evil plot than Health Care Reform, the greatest horror to ever appear on earth.

This totally objective, rational, non-political look at the issue was brought to you by FAUX News. FAUX News - Fair and Balanced. It's only a coincidence that everything anyone ever says on our network is exactly the same as Republican talking points. If you think for a moment we're right wing propaganda it's only because you're a dangerous progressive who loves Hitler, Stalin, Satan and child torture.

2010-02-12T20:04:00.002-05:00

Fox News Accuses Fox News of Treason

New York - In a surprise announcement today, Fox News from 2003 accused Fox News from 2010 of treason. Fox News from 2003 levelled charges of disloyalty, lack of patriotism and general love of terrorists at its current self. The criticism apparently originated because the current Fox News had broken eight years of constant reminders that criticizing the president in time of war is in fact treason.

Fox News spokesman Bill O'Reilly from 2003 explained, "For eight years everyone on this network was clear: anyone who criticizes the president or his handling of the war is a traitor and pretty much exactly the same as the terrorists who crashed into the twin towers. This wasn't a minor point we made, we said it over and over every day. I'd hate to think of all the aid and comfort the enemy is getting knowing that Americans don't support the troops in their fight with terrorism. Because anyone who criticizes the president hates the troops and wants them all to die so America can become muslim."

Mr. O'Reilly was joined by Rush Limbaugh from 2004 who criticized all 2010 pundits, "Friends, we have some fat, impotent drug addict named Rush Limbaugh who hates America so much that he takes the side of Al-Qaeda against his own people. All these treasonous, cowardly hippy pundits who hate our freedoms so much they dare to criticize the president are the real enemy."

Fox News of 2010 shot back with a stinging, undeniable rebuttal, "Since Jan. 20, 2009 its actually patriotic to criticize the president. Sure he actually increased troops to Afghanistan, but he's black."

In other news, tens of millions of inbred rednecks issued a blanket apology to the Dixie Chicks today and turned themselves in to the Department of Homeland security for high treason.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-02-03T20:39:00.001-05:00

Captain Kirk's Blog II:

Captain Kirks Blog II

2010-02-03T15:48:00.002-05:00

Federation Orders a Recall of all Starships

San Francisco - After months of denials and rumors of major safety issues, the United Federation of Planets has ordered a recall of all starships due to a major defect. Apparently all Federation starships have a structural problem that causes the bridge to explode whenever the ship is struck in any way.

Federation spokesman Admiral Toi Oda announced the recall, "We have been looking into these issues for sometime. At first we thought is was just coincidence but it now appears that no matter what part of a ship is struck by enemy fire, the bridge consuls explode and catch fire. We still can't explain this but are putting our best people to work fixing this. It just doesn't really make any sense."

Retired captain Riker, discharged from service several years ago due to whiplash injuries, responded, "We lost a lot of good crewmen due to burns and being thrown around. To think a little mechanical fix could have saved their lives. That and a couple of seat belts. Of course our battles wouldn't have been as dramatic, but it's not like we had an audience to worry about."

The recall follows a string of bad news for the federation. The Mark 32 universal translator, which can instantly decipher any language, even an unknown one, was recalled last year for a persistent inability to recognize either Klingon or French.

In addition there have been waves of protests in recent years by minorities in the Federation that all vessels are named after Earth ships and a majority of crew members are humans.

In other news, the Federation is cracking down on captains who have their ships boarded and captured by the enemy. Rather than promote them, new rules would court martial a captain who surrenders to the enemy, with automatic dishonorable discharge after the 50th offence.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-01-30T12:57:00.001-05:00

Obama Meets with Republicans

In January 2010, President Obama met with Republicans to try to find common ground and work for the good of the country. The following is a partial transcript of that session.

Obama: I hope that being here we can listen to each other like reasonable adults and find some common ground to move forward on these pressing issues.

Republicans: You're the son of satan, the antichrist sent here to destroy humanity.

Obama: Surely we can all agree that something must be done about health care, it gets harder for working Americans every year, this can't go on.

Republicans: That's socialism, you're exactly the same as Josef Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot.

Obama: Can't we try to be reasonable and work through this gridlock?

Republicans: Hitler - he's just like Hitler! This whole country is run by Nazis.

Obama: We face recession, unemployment and budget deficits, what ideas do you have?

Republicans: It's all your fault, you caused this all. We are shocked, shocked that you engage in deficit spending.

Obama: What should we do about all the unemployment?

Republicans: Socialism! Socialism! Socialism!

Obama: All these problems started before I came into office, what's your solution?

Republicans: Cut taxes on the rich, let business and the financial industry to whatever they want. That will surely fix this crisis and prevent another one. Let's go back to 2007 in order to ensure another 2007 doesn't happen. Anything else is socialism, the end of freedom and the complete and udder destruction of America.

Obama: Glad we could come together for this reasonable discussion. Couldn't we compromise at least on the name calling?

Republicans: We have a proposal to start calling you the nephew of satan and compare you to Mussolini so don't say we didn't come here with any new ideas.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet. (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-01-25T16:51:00.003-05:00

Washington - Having failed in all previous attempts to reach across the aisle and work with Republicans, President Obama today tried one last gambit - he joined the Republican party.

President Obama explained his decision, "I've tried very hard to find common ground and compromise with Republicans. I compromised on my promise to close Gitmo, I compromised on domestic spying, I gave up on Health care. What did I get for it from Republicans? I got no, no, no, more no and alot of nasty name calling. It's obvious what the best course of action is - compromise some more. Since there's no more middle ground, I have decided to join the Republican party. I hope this will lead to some bipartisanship and a real good faith effort from Republicans to come together and work towards this country's future."

" I now support the government's right to torture and spy on anyone at any time for any reason. I want the rich to pay no taxes whatsoever and anything ever done by any large corporation is all right no matter what. I will never let poor people get health care or anything else for that matter. I also hate muslims, gays, Mexicans and think blacks are very suspicious, but of course nice people since I have many well spoken polite black friends. I look forward to working with Republicans in the future."

The response from the Republicans was immediate and unanimous. Republican spokesman Tuthe Reituvatilleh stated, "President Obama's positions are all way too liberal and we refuse to work with him on any of them. We will vote no on anything he does because he's such a crazy leftist/hippie/communist/terrorist/athiest/muslimfundamentalist/antichrist that he threatens the very existence of America itself. He's completely destroying the country while simultaneously getting nothing done and we will not work with him at all."

The only other response came from stunned Obama voters who swore they voted for a Democrat.

Obama Becomes a Republican

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2010 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2010-01-20T15:11:00.001-05:00

The Republican Health Care Plan

Boston - With a fresh victory in the Massachusets senate race, joyful Republicans hoped to bring about their plan for health care reform - do nothing.

Republican spokesman Skruthe Poure commented, "Now we finally have a chance to bring Republican ideas to health care - nothing. I dream of an America where we keep things exactly as they are. Let tens of millions not have heatlh insurance. Let their children not see doctors for minor conditions that become chronic later on. Let these children never see a dentist. That's my America. Let the middle class pay more and more for health care every year, let them slide slowly down the economic scale. Let one disaster, one job loss or one serious illness forever exile them into the ranks of the poor and uninsured. That's a Republican America."

"Let the sick be on notice that we won't coddle them anymore. If you get a serious illness, let the insurance companies drop you. Too many people are getting sick every year, it's time we do something about it - let them suffer and die. That's my America. Let the cancer patients know they're on their own. It's time we had a war on cancer patients, they've had it too easy for too long. That's my America."

"It's time to bring Republican values to health care. If you're poor, please get sick and die soon so we don't have to worry about it. If you're middle class you better get rich fast or things will get harder for you every year. And if you our anyone you know could ever lose a job or get a serious illness - sucks to be you. That's my America, a land of Republican values. Because we're so Christian. It's not like Jesus just gave away free health care to the poor. Jesus hated the poor and the sick for being sick and poor. He only liked the rich who truly had his blessing. That's the kind of America we want, a land of Republican values."

2010-01-16T23:24:00.002-05:00

Pat Robertson and Haiti

Written in January 2010 after the Devastating Earthquake in Haiti. Pat Robertson said that the earthquake was God's punishment on Haiti because when they overthrew slavery and French colonialism (1791-1804) they made a "pact with the devil". Pat later clarified that he didn't mean God was punishing Haiti, but that the Island nation was cursed. This is the same guy who said the 9-11 attacks were America's fault. So the following is a hypothetical (but barely) look at what if he said the same thing about us he said about Haiti.

Pat Robertson Blames America for its Woes

Virginia Beach - Pat Robertson today blamed all of America's tragedies, from Civil War to the Great Depression to 9-11 and the current economic crisis on the fact that the Founding Fathers made a "pact with the devil" when they overthrew British Rule and Lincoln compounded the error when he emancipated the slaves.

After a huge public outcry Robertson released this statment, "I'm not saying that God punished America for the sins of overthrowing a colonial government or ending slavery, I'm just saying that because they did these things America is cursed. Can't you see it? Overthrowing your colonial overlords or your slave masters is obviously the work of the devil. Not that I'm a racist or anything, I just think that overthrowing colonial overlords or rebelling against slaveowners is going against God. Why does the liberal media keep twisting these good Christian ideas. Good Christians don't make trouble, and these 'founding fathers' and 'Emancipators' made a great deal of trouble. And don't even get me started on MLK and the so-called 'Civil Rights' movement. Let me repeat, I'm not blaming America for its troubles, I'm just saying America is cursed."

Pat Robertson's followers should not of course be blamed for still supporting him, as God has cursed them with stupidity.

P.S. On a personal note, I've been impressed by Robertson and his gang with this one. They actually know something about Boukman's revolt of 1791. Someone actually read a book! This is risky, as those things only contain ideas. Now that one of them read a book the other wingnuts will have to keep a close eye on this dangerous intellectual.

And on a serious note of course the Haitians used Voodoo (A mix of traditional West African beliefs and not devil worship.) as a unifying force in their slave revolt. They couldn't use Christianity because the Christianity of the times held that God wanted blacks to be slaves. (Especially good Southern Evangelical Christians) Now you see why Conservatives keep talking about the good old days.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2009-12-20T23:10:00.001-05:00

Tiger Woods' New Theme Song

In honor of Tiger Woods recent exploits. Why...
...Because I can.

Lie of the Tiger

(To the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor)

Gig is up, exposed as a cheat

Had some times, took my chances

Had a mistress, and more women each week

Just a man who kept living a lie

So many times, it happens too fast

You try to cash in on glory

Don't lose your grip cause these secrets don't last

You must fight just to cover the lie

Chorus:

It's the lie of the Tiger, has to run for his life

Cause his wife's got a hold of his nine iron

And the golf club of vengeance stalks its prey in the night

And they're watching the fall of the lie of the Tiger

Face to face, out in the street

That prenup won't protect me

More come forward and they bring on the heat

Paparazzi enjoying the ride

(chorus)

Won't shut up, they just won't stop

Fifteen minutes of glory

Have endorsements hope they're not gonna stop

Just a man who keeps living a lie

(Chorus)

The lie of the Tiger...

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-11-24T17:14:00.001-05:00

Santa's Blog II

Santa's Blog II

2009-11-13T13:43:00.002-05:00

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN - To be Replaced by a Mexican

Atlanta - CNN announced today that controversial host Lou Dobbs has resigned and will be replaced by a Mexican who promises to work for lower wages. This continues a trend in broadcasting which has been going on since this article was written and has caused much concern among conservatives. Stated Rush Limbaugh, "Obviously this is what happens in Obama's America, this dangerous wave of assault on conservatives is worse than the Holocaust and Stalin's purges combined. I mean it, I just tell it like it is."

Lou Dobbs himself expressed outrage at his replacement, "See what happens when you start letting Mexicans in. I know for a fact that 972% of all crimes in this country are committed by Mexicans. This is a plain fact I got from the Independent research group People Who Want to Kill All Mexicans With Mustard Gas. I also know that 325% of all diseases and 569% of all Potato peeler injuries are caused by Mexicans. This is an undisputable fact you can look up on the website of the totally non-partisan organization Right Wing Nuts Who Want to Put All Mexicans on a Big Boat and Sink It. I'm Mister independent and I know that every problem from my hemmorhoids to my wife's frigidity is caused by Mexicans, it's always the Mexicans."

Glenn Beck cried and said "I just feel I've lost my country now that there's a black man in the White House. I'm not a racist, just a concerned conservative who knows that the free and fair election of a black man by a majority of the population was the end of freedom in this country."

Bill O'Reilly commented, "I'm not gonna spin this, I'm not a partisan hack, but I see that we've lost all liberty in this country and we're now more communist since we elected a black Democrat than the Soviet Union ever was. That's just my rational independent perspective."

Mr. Dobbs has not commented on his future plans but rumors abound that he is pursuing a lucrative endorsement deal with Taco Bell.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-10-22T21:30:00.002-04:00

Hitler's Blog III

2009-09-23T14:31:00.001-04:00

Republicans Love Protesters

Washington - Leading conservatives today issued a blanket apology for berating protesters over the last several decades. The sheer delight conservatives have taken in the August 2009 Town Hall protests led to a complete reversal of values for most conservatives.

Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh released this joint statement, "Previously we referred to all protesters as crazy hippies. We now believe that the louder and more disruptive a protest is, the more legitimate your cause is. Protesting is a great symbol of freedom and should be encouraged."

Glenn Beck also spoke out, "This country loves dissent, I applaud anyone who has the courage to make your voice heard. To all the Anti-war protesters of the last eight years, I apologize, you guys are real heroes. I can't believe the President didn't automatically change policies once he heard there were angry protests by a strongly vocal minority. Maybe if you all had been armed it would have been better."

Pat Buchanan issued an apology on behalf of the entire Nixon administration, "We called you crazy hippies and told you to get a job, said you threatened the country. Now I think you're all great Americans and can't believe we didn't listen to you. You should have been louder and brought guns, that would have made it all better."

The Republican Party released this statement, "This is not hypocrisy. We're merely flexible in changing times. There's now nothing we love more than an angry protester. Just as we changed our minds about maritial fidelity in between Bill Clinton and all the sex scandals of the last few years. We embrace change. Since January 20, 2009 we now find deficits unnacceptable and don't believe anyone has a duty to support the President in time of war. We also don't think the office of the President has to be respected at all. See, we're just flexible."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-08-09T18:45:00.001-04:00

Angry Mobs Cancel American Independence

Philadelphiam July 4, 1776 - The American Independence movement came to an end today as delegates were unable to voice any opinions or have any rational debate to unruly crowds shouting down the speakers. The crowds were reported to be funded by the British but claim to be grassroots organizations.

Thomas Jefferson of Virginia lamented the end of the Independence movement, "We wanted to create a country where all voices could be heard, a civil country governed by rational ideas and healthy debate where..." Mr. Jefferson was then shouted down by cries of "Tyranny" "Socialism" and "Nazi"

The spokesman for the protesters, a Mr. Loy A. Liste stated, "We're just ordinary Americans who want to have our voices heard. The tyranny here is people trying to have their voices heard when we're shouting all the time. Enough of the tryanny of these 'founding fathers' lets make sure they're never heard again. The fact that we're angry proves we're right. Long live King George! Down with Tyranny!"

News reports have traced Mr. Liste's organization People who love Freedom and Puppies and Babies to funds coming from Britain, although this was denied by the group's chair, General Cornwallis, "These are just ordinary colonists speaking their mind. Don't listen to 'polls' and 'elections' that say they're a minority, the fact that they're loud and angry proves they're right. This isn't mob rule, it's democracy and freedom. We'll be taking our private citizens on our grass roots vessel, HMS King George III to spread the word of freedom, along with our friends who like to wear read coats."

In the end the angry loyalists were able to protect themselves from the tryanny of having to listen to ideas they didn't like. A truly great day for freedom.

2009-07-14T17:42:00.001-04:00

Republican Sex Scandals - Standard Script

Sex Scandal Script

2009-07-03T21:22:00.001-04:00

Michael Jackson News Coverage

Written after a week of seeing non stop news coverage of Michael Jacksons' death, and nothing else being reported. Why...

...because I can.

Beat It (to death)

(To the tune of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson)

The news is now all Michael Jackson all the time

Transracial pedophile but a really good guy

They love him since he died and talk about him all the time

They beat it, Just beat it

You follow news you wonder bout foreign lands

You wanna be smart become a learned man

Now it's only fluff, better turn on C-span

They beat it, to death(4x)

Just beat it, to death, beat it, to death

Everything will be repeated

No new information has come to light

It doesn't matter, we're on all night

Just beat it, to death (4x)

Forget North Korea forget about Iran

Forget about our troops in Afghanistan

Let's talk about the life of this plastic faced man

So beat it, to death

You have to show them that you really don't care

They're wasting all our time with all this morbid fare

They talk down, then they dumb down

Until you think you care

Just beat it, to death, beat it, to death

Everything will be repeated

No new information has come to light

It doesn't matter, we're on all night (9x)

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-06-05T19:14:00.000-04:00

God's Blog

God's blog

2009-04-27T22:42:00.001-04:00

Conservatives Call for Action on Swine Flu

Washington - Conservatives across the country brought forth their plans for immediate action to deal with the Swine Flu pandemic. Some notable examples:

Washington Republicans demanded the Obama administration do nothing, nothing at all chanting, "Government is always the problem not the solution. We don't need big government. We demand the government do nothing now, nothing tomorrow, nothing ever."

Rush Limbaugh demanded Obama's resignation stating, "We can see his policies have failed, now he's brought this upon us. See what socialism causes."

Michelle Bachman of Minnesota also demanded his resignation stating, "There's no evidence President Obama didn't cause the swine flu. I want to pass a bill making it illegal for President Obama to give Americans the swine flu."

Fox News demanded people form a spontaneous grass roots movement to help the rich with a tax cut. Glenn Beck cried and said he feared we'd all be turned into pigs by the swine flu. Fox news then created a nationwide day of "porking" to save the rich from the swine flu by "porking" the Democrats "Before they pork us." Said Bill O'reilly, "We need to get together and pork those fat cats in Washington, I've been waiting to pork a few Democrats for some time."

Pat Robertson demanded more Christian education be directed at pigs, stating, "Obviously these pigs have engaged in un Christian behavoir. We don't need 'medical science' with its Godless 'biology' and 'evolving' viruses. We don't need 'protection' from diseases. We need to teach these pigs to turn from their wicked wicked ways. From 'Babe' to 'Charlotte's Web' to 'The Muppet Show' it's obvious Hollywood has been promoting a pig lifestyle and God is punishing us."

Internationally, noted religious connservative Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran commented, "It must be the Jews, Jews and pigs go together, everyone knows that."

2009-04-10T21:21:00.002-04:00

Random News Commentary for April 2009

Random News Commentary

2009-04-04T22:18:00.001-04:00

Iowa Legalizes Gay Marriage

In honor of the Iowa Supreme Court's April 2009 legalization of Gay Marriage.

Thank God I'm a Country Boy
(Original Lyrics by John Denver)

Well life on the farm is kinda laid back

Since folks in Des Moines finally cut me some slack

It's early work guys, early in the sack

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well my personal choices sure never did no one harm

Fraternizin' with the men folk and workin' on the farm

Us gays are filled with an easy country charm

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well it ain't Fire Island out here in the middle

It sure ain't like Frisco our community's little

Why we're out here is a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

When the work's all done and the sun's setting low

We put on a little Streisand and have a little show

The neighbors like Limbaugh so we keep it kinda low

Thank God I'm a country boy

I'd sing them old showtunes all day if I could

But the church and Pastor wouldn't take it very good

So I Salsa when I could, work when I should

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well it ain't Fire Island out here in the middle

It sure ain't like Frisco our community's little

Why we're out here is a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well I wouldn't trade my life for cellphones and suits

I never was one of those closeted fools

I'd rather have my disco and my farmin tools

Thank God I'm a country boy

Yeah, city gays partyin' in limousines

A lotta sad people thinin' that's the only scene

Son let me show you exactly what I mean

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well it ain't Fire Island out here in the middle

It sure ain't like Frisco our community's little

Why we're out here is a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

We'll I'll sing those old showtunes till the day I die

Since now I have my own man and he's forever by my side

Say partners for life and say it loud with pride

Thank God I'm a country boy

Those farm boys taught me young how to hunt and how to whittle

Taught me how to work and play showtunes on the fiddle

Taught me how to love and how to give just a little

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well it ain't Fire Island out here in the middle

It sure ain't like Frisco our community's little

Why we're out here is a funny funny riddle'

Thank God I'm a country boy

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-03-17T20:26:00.001-04:00

Kraut Pope tells Black Africans Condoms don't stop AIDS

This week Pope Benedict went to AIDS ravaged Africa and told people not to use condoms and that they only make the problem worse. So in a place where over 20 million people have AIDS, the biggest problem for Benedict is that someone might use a condom. So he not only gives bad advice, but actually lies to suffering black people. His message is pretty much summed up by this song:

Just Die

(To the tune of the theme from "Rawhide")

Dogma, Dogma, Dogma

Keep prayin' prayin' prayin

Though AIDS just keeps slayin'

Tell them to keep prayin' - Just Die

Don't try to understand AIDS

Just offer prayer and band-aids

No matter how many folks have died

You're ejaculatin'

Only pleases Satan

Unless you're naturally inside

Risk your life, pull it out

Pull it out, risk your life

Though it's dumb, no condoms Just Die

Hide the fact, tell a lie

Tell a lie, hide the facts

No matter, Kraut Pope says Just Die

Shut up, shut up shut up

Though the graves are backed up

Keep the info locked up - Just die

Rubber, silk and latex

So sinful is safe sex

Better that everyone should die

All the lives that we lose

Are martyrs to the values

That celibate Kraut Pope has prescribed

Risk your life, pull it out

Pull it out, risk your life

Though it's dumb, no condoms Just Die

Hide the fact, tell a lie

Tell a lie, hide the facts

No matter, Kraut Pope says Just Die

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-03-10T14:56:00.001-04:00

Congress Debates Heterosexuals in the Military

Washington - In a heated debate over the place of heterosexuals in the military, congress called some of the great leaders of history to testify:

Alexander the Great, conquerer of the ancient world, gave his testimony, "Absolutely not, there is no room for heterosexuals, they're bad for morale. Men need strong leadership and close companionship to bond during battle. I never lost a battle and I loved my men. All night long. Occasionally in the morning and at least once in the afternoon before the battle of Arbela. My heterosexual opponent Darius was a weak little bitch, I kicked his ass from the Bosphorous to Bactria."

Frederick the Great, the brilliant Prussian king and general, had a differing opinon, "I knew lots of straights in the military, they were all nice people. Some of my best friends were straight. And they fought for me just as well as anyone else. And boy could they sing and dance too. On the other hand, in my day not only were German troops victorious, they respected civilians. After me most German leaders were heterosexual, and look how that turned out."

Richard the Lionheart, English hero of the Crusades, spoke in defense of heterosexuals, "I fought both with and against some of those people, and they were strong and brave. My opponent Saladin was a hetero and he was honest and dare I say chivalrous. I think these people have earned the right to serve in the military as much as anyone else."

King James of England was among many who brought religious arguments to the debate, "When me and my 'hubby' the Duke of Brunswick were going over the proofs for my King James Bible, the most authoritative source, we were struck by the love and tolerance in Christianity. I think the Christian thing to do is spread love and tolerance to all people."

The British Navy also had a strong opinion, "Hetero boys in the navy, never! Bad for morale. We only need three things: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. And we're not just talking about Charles' methods for disciplining the staff. Even movies about sailors are just a disco ball and a soundtrack away from being gay porn." The delegation then sang out loud, "And it's greatly to his credit; That he is an English man"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-02-25T19:44:00.005-05:00

How to Sell Cigarettes to Pregnant Women

Facing declining sales, tobacco companies have resorted to more desperate measures to sell more cigarrettes, including the following campaigns aimed at pregnant women:

Ad Campaign #1: Aimed at Conservatives

Announcer: You deserve relaxation and pleasure, but the politically correct elites and big government are out to destroy any fun in your life.

Smoker: Yeah, they tell me what to eat, what to do, what I can and can't drink and all that.

Announcer: And now they want to take away the joy of a good smoke. Just because some Washington elite says so. Big Government is always the problem, not the solution.

Smoker: Yea, big government is the real problem, always interferring. My momma smoked, and I turned out just fine.

Announcer: And Doctors, what do they know? They think they know it all because of their fancy degrees.

Smoker: Yeah, those fancy white coat doctors don't know nothing. Bunch of latte drinking, volvo driving know it alls trying to tell me what to do.

Announcer: That's why we created American Freedom brand cigarettes. For the patriot in you. Because it's about freedom.

Smoker: It's about Freedom! I'll take twenty boxes.

Ad Campaign #2: Aimed at Liberals

Announcer: We know you're concerned with the earth, that's why we bring to you the ancient medicine of Mother Earth brand herbal remedy. Biodegradabe and made according to the ancient wisdom of the indigenous peoples of the Americas.

Smoker: Ooh, it's indigenous, that means not white people. Is it infused with their spiritual wisdom?

Announcer: Yes, the ancient wisdom of the indigenous peoples.

Smoker: They were very spiritual and in tune with mother earth. Not like Western consumer society. Did you say ancient Wisdom?

Announcer: Yes, ancient wisdom. Not like Western medicine. Western medicine is male and patriarchal. They used to make you wear corsets.

Smoker: Yeah, they're all male and patriarchal. They used to make us wear corsets.

Announcer: Instead try the ancient medicine of the indigenous peoples. Did I mention that it's herbal?

Smoker: Ooh, it's herbal! I'll take twenty boxes.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-02-19T16:01:00.001-05:00

Adolf Hitler's Blog II

Hitler's Blog II

2009-02-12T16:46:00.001-05:00

Captain Kirk's Blog

Captain Kirk's Blog

2009-02-09T17:32:00.001-05:00

The Republican Plan for America

Washington - Republican leaders today announced their own plan for America's future. The following is a summary of conservative thinking on the economic crisis:

Step 1: Keep anything from getting done.

Step 2. Watch country go to hell.

Step 3. Come back into power.

Step 4. Repeat as necessary.

Republican lead Hippe O. Krytt commented, "We can't have a stimulus bill, it will only create deficits. Doesn't anyone realize how irresponsible it is to ring up deficits? Us Reagan Bush Republicans can't stand such irresponsibility. Unless you're spending it on Iraq, then it's no questions asked."

Republican commentator Amm Kneesya also spoke, "We don't need a stimulus bill that creates jobs or helps the unemployed. That's no way to deal with povery and unemployment. What we need are tax cuts for the rich and deregulation of business and finance. Why hasn't anyone ever tried this?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions . All Rights Absurd.

2009-02-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

Republicans Admit Mistakes

Washington - In a stunning reversal of seven years of party policy, major Republicans completely reversed their position on the Presidency. Republican spokemsan Hypp O. Kritt explained the reversal, "We kept saying the country needed to rally behind the President in times of crisis. We were so wrong and we apologize. There is no need for any such thing. We denounced party politics and obstruction, we take that all back. What we meant to say was it is the duty of patriotic Americans to keep the president from getting anything done, at least for the next four years."

Rush Limbaugh also chimed in, "When I said for the thousandth time that we must support our President fully in time of war, I totally had my fingers crossed. In time of war all Americans should spend their days criticizing the **** out of the President. Nothing is too nasty, including little songs with racial epithets in them."

Ann Coulter agreed with Mr. Limbaugh, "All those books and columns I wrote saying that anyone who criticizes the US President is the same as a terrorist, I didn't mean it. Dissent is Patriotic!"

Dick Cheney also issued a 'clarfication' of his views, "When I said the Vice President was above the law and answerable to no one, you all knew I was just kidding, right? When we demanded an Imperial Presidency with unlimited powers I assumed everyone was in on the joke. Geez, get a sense of humor you guys, you know what kidder I am. "

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2009-01-19T15:05:00.001-05:00

Rich White Family Evicted by Black Man

A Special Report on the State of the Country:

Washington - In a shocking example of the state of the country, a wealthy white Republican family was evicted by a black man today. Said the unfortunate victim, a Mr. G. Bush of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, "I'm a victim of circumstances, I did everything right, it's all the system. The Man is really keeping me down. This is really quite a change, have these black people no heart? Where am I to go? Who's oppressed now?"

This was not the only example of tough economic times, there were several related cases:

New York - A wealthy white Republican investor, Mr. Pawnzee Peeremydde, was arrested for merely doing his job, "Now they want me to obey the laws and regulations? What has this country come to? That's not the America I believe in, that's not what I voted for. Obviously people like me are pretty much an oppressed minority now. There's no justice in America."

Los Angeles - A wealthy corporate executive, Mr. Fatte Katt, explained how he was affected by the changes, "Now they want me to pay taxes. Just because we control most of the wealth us top 1% are now expected to pay our fair share. It's as if we are expected to pay for mistakes made by someone we supported who gave us everything we wanted for eight years. It's not fair and now I know what an oppressed minority feels like. This country needs more equality."

Wealthy white republicans are not the only victims in these harsh times:

In Guantanamo bay Cuba, torturer Torre Kemada complained, "I hear I might be out of a job. What kind of America is that? Truly I'm the victim here."

In rural Alabama, local ditch digger, amateur pundit and eighth grade graduate I. M. Inbredde pointed out the shocking injustice of the system, "Why am I poor while others are rich? Why is a black man in chage when I turn on the picture box and I'm here in this small town bar at 10 a.m.? It' s obviously someone else's fault, not mine. I blame the system. And affirmative action, it's obvious that an unqualified black man took my spot at Harvard. How can such unffairness be allowed to exist, especially from a bunch of ...(Unprintable racial slurs deleted for decency's sake.)"

It's obvious after looking at all these cases who the real oppressed in America are. Of course that's the last anyone will hear of this story, because these are not the type of people to whine about it for the next eight years.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2009 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-12-24T14:53:00.000-05:00

Santa Claus Shot Down by Bush Administration

Washington - In a shocking final display of executive power, the Bush administration announced today that it had successfully shot down Santa Claus.

pResident Bush explained his decision, "This wasn't about getting away with whatever we could in our last weeks. We want to make sure people remember what we did for a very long time. Santa was a threat, a mysterious figure who infiltrates our very homes. Giving away presents to children for free is socialism. Santa was perverting our children, making them believe in magical gifts that come from the sky. This gets them used to the idea of socialism, and that had to be stopped. Handouts are evil, unless you're a large corporation."

Bill O'Reilly also commented, "Santa was waging a war on Christmas, with his "Happy Holidays". Christmas isn't about free handouts, it's about Jesus Christ, who we all know was a white English speaking Republican who hated foreigners, the enviroment and most of all handouts, unless you're a wealthy corporation."

Dick Cheney, who gave the order to fire, had this to say, "Santa was a terrorist threat, coming into our very homes. You might have noticed there have been no terrorist attacks since we shot down Santa, proving that everything we ever did was right. Santa was a socialist, and shooting him down was almost as much fun as shooting lawyers. The Vice President can do whatever he wants, at least until January 20th, when he should have no power whatsoever."

Santa was shot down using the new missile defense system, a 100 billion dollars of taxpayer money that couldn't have found a better use. Santa has been tracked by NORAD for over 50 years, beginning during the Cold War. At the time, anti-communist hysteria led the government to believe that a red suited foreigner, led by a red nosed reindeer ,was obviously a communist plot. In addition, J. Edgar hoover convinced the government that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer etc. were obviously gay names and that kind of perversion would harm America's children. The technology of the time, however, did not allow the Air Force to intercept the sleigh, and it was not until recently that America was finally made safe from gay communism. Future generations of non-gay capitalist Americans will have the Bush Administration to thank.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-12-09T13:29:00.001-05:00

How to get George Bush out of Office Early

Here are some ideas to get George Bush to leave office early:

1. Tell him there's now a literacy test for the Presidency

2. Tell him the Constitution says he must be out by December 20th. It's not like he's ever read it.

3. Everyone write him a letter asking him to resign. (Because he's always cared Soooo much about what the American people think.)

4. Remind him that he promised to catch bin Laden, and he should spend the rest of his term looking for him. (Hint: He's not in Iraq.)

5. The CEO's of the failed auto companies offered to work for a dollar a year. Suggest this to him and watch him scram.

6. Tell him Texas still allows torture, he'll gladly move.

7. Tell him Al-Qaeda has perfected the suicide pretzel.

8. Tell him if he moves to Dallas right now, the city will put up a "Mission Accomplished" banner.

9. Tell him his Presidential library sits empty, and could he come by and drop off his copy of "The Pet Goat."

10. Tell him a black man is moving into the neighborhood.

All this is dependent on making sure Dick Cheney doesn't take over, but he's too busy shredding documents and deleting hard drives to notice.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-11-19T18:27:00.000-05:00

Nation's Auto Workers Held Hostage

Washington - A gang of rapacious terrorists appeared before congress today demanding tens of billions of dollars and threatening America's auto workers if their demands weren't met.

Bursting into the capital building from a speeding limousine, group spokesman Phatte Katt made this statement, "Give us the money in unmarked, untraceable bills, see, or the workers get it, you see. We're not fooling around, you see."

Congress attempted to negotiate but seemed to have no other solution to the standoff. Congressional spokesman Spyne Less commented, "We'd like to take the time to talk or even think of other solutions, but they've got the auto workers right where they want them. This is no time for rational discussions of long term consequences or even how we got here."

One of the hostage takers, Mr. Moe Gull of Detroit made this threat, "We mean business, if we don't get this money now, no questions asked, we're talking Great Depression squared, threats to national security, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, cats and dogs living together - mass hysteria."

Another gang member, Outta Tuche added, "This isn't just about the workers. What will happen to us? I'd only get my 12 million golden parachute. Do you want to explain to my kids why we're wintering in Bermuda instead of St. Tropez? I just can't do that to a child."

Gang members then boarded private planes to go to their luxurious headquarters and sip champagne while awaiting word on their ransom demands.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-11-13T13:42:00.001-05:00

If Santa Claus had a Blog

Santa's Blog

2008-11-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

What the Liberal Media Won't Tell You About Barack Hussein Obama

1. He's secretly a Tibetan Buddhist here to spread peace and nonviolence.

2. He owns an AR-15 with hollow points, which he only uses to shoot deer;)

3. He cried at the end of "Brian's Song"

4. He eats bacon cheeseburgers for lunch, every day.

5. His jump shot is not that good.

6. He didn't know Russia was that close to Alaska.

7. He once got a speeding ticket on I-94.

8. He folds his own laundry.

9. He loves to watch "Andy Griffith" reruns.

10. He's a Trekkie.

11. He uses a speech therapist, all his life his secret shame has been that he's not "Well spoken."

12. His favorite color is mauve.

13. He did not exhale.

14. He cooks a mean gefilte fish.

15. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor in the invasion of Grenada.

16. He's actually 49 years old.

17. He hates Monty Python movies more than anything else in the world.

18. He voted for George Bush in 2000, believing it was "Time for a change."

19. He cheats on his income taxes.

20. He's actually John McCain's Illegitimate son.

Fortuneately for him, the liberal media kept all these secrets till after the election.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-11-05T00:38:00.000-05:00

Obama's Surprise Announcement

Chicago - Having won the Presidential election, Barack Obama made a surprise announcement to his followers today:

"Now that I have won and no one can stop me, I'd like to make a few things clear. I am a radical Muslim/atheist/communist, And I'm here to abort all your babies and force your children to be gay. Adolf Hitler will be my role model. I'm surprised you all didn't see this coming. Oh and I'm also the Antichrist as Christians conceive of him. I'm not really sure how to be all these things at once or what that kind of government would look like, but I am sure I'm out to destroy America so I can rule it. Why I want to destroy the country I'm in charge of is my own special secret. Oh and by the way, I was conceived on an Alien spaceship working with the Nation of Islam."

pResident Bush responded by appearing in a turban and making this announcement, "I wish I didn't have to do this, but we have no choice. Democracy has spoken and I respect democracy. I have ordered all our schools to teach Islam and all weddings to be gay. I surrender this country to the forces of Communism/Islam/Atheism."

Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity released a joint statement, "We warned you, we tried to warn you. It's always the same, we always warn them, but do they listen, - nooo."

Dennis Kucinich also released a statement, "They should have chosen me - me!"

The only happy people were the bloggers on the right wing website Freerepublic.com who stated, "We were right, we were totally right! For the first time we were right. This is the best day of our lives! It's totally worth it!"

William Ayers also spoke to reporters, "Man I'm scared, this guy is way too radical for me."

The final word comes from the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, "I'm so disappointed. I worked so hard to make a good Christian of that man."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-10-29T14:42:00.001-04:00

If Hitler had a blog...

Hitler's Blog

2008-10-17T17:35:00.001-04:00

Obama is a Conservative

FAUX NEWS REPORT - Rumors of Barack Obama's ties to conservative organizations have continued to plague his campaign. The story focuses on Obama's time serving on the board of the Annenberg foundation, an organization founded by noted conservative Walter Annenberg.

Sarah Palin brought up the connection on a campaign stop today, "He's been palling around with conservatives. I think it's time Obama came clean to the American people about his ties to radical conservatives. This isn't about innuendo or rumors, I just think it's time we got to know the real Barack Obama. Oh, and can I just add 'Joe the Plumber' one more time."

Independent investigations have confirmed that Obama did serve on the board of the Annenberg Foundation, which had several conservative members. While the Obama campaign has stated that serving on the board with these people in no way means he shares this ideology, the McCain campaign has continued to bring it up. In fact they're bringing it up every day on major news networks while simultaneously complaining that major news networks are ignoring it.

John McCain spoke on the issue today, "Obama has ties to conservatives that he's not mentioning. During his time with the Annenberg foundation he worked with Arnold Weber, a former advisor to both Nixon and Reagan. I'm not trying to go negative, or use innuendo, but this shows some dangerous ties to conservatives he hasn't addressed, as long as we don't count the times he explained it publicly. We just need to know the real Barack Obama. Plus he's ruined the life of Joe the Plumber, who didn't ask me to mention him twenty times on national television or use him as the centerpiece of my national campaign. It's all Barack Obama's fault. No really, it's his fault."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-10-09T12:18:00.000-04:00

Obama is a Werewolf!

Some excerpts from various sources on this breaking news story:

Independent Political Ad: "Barack Hussein Obama is closely associated with Werewolves, one of the most dangerous enemies humanity has ever faced. He assumes human form during the day, but one has to wonder what he looks like under the full moon. Barack Obama - Too Dangerous For America."

Sarah Palin Speech; "Barack Obama finds humanity so imperfect that he pals around with werewolves. He invites those with wolf ancestry into his home. Is he associated with werewolves or wolves? The story keeps changing. When are we going to get to know the real Barack Obama? Thank you that will be all, I don't talk to reporters."

Official McCain Campaign spokesperson, when asked a direct question by the media: "We're not saying he's necessarily a werewolf, but there have been some questions raised about his ties to wolves in the past. He hasn't clearly answered these. His associationsl with dangerous woves raises some real questions about his judgement and fitness to lead. We think his relationships with wolves need to be looked into. Please do this and quit talking about the economy."

Objective news report: "Barack Obama has been in close proximity to wolves in the past. He takes his daughters to the zoo and they have been known to stop at the wolf exhibit. In addition he reads bedtime stories to them, some of which contain a character called the 'Big Bad Wolf.' They have had dogs in their house, and these dogs do in fact have wolf ancestors."

Obama Campaign Spokesperson: "Why the **** do we have to waste our time dealing with this BS?

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-09-28T19:25:00.001-04:00

Sarah Palin's Foreign Policy Experience

Sarah Palin explained her extensive foreign policy experience to the American people today - this time in Song:

See Russia From My Front Yard
(To the Tune of "Back in the USSR" by the Beatles)

Was picked as a VP oh so suddenly
Just don't answer questions right
Oh if only the press would just let me be
Man I'd look like Mrs. Right
I see Russia from my front yard
I'm a foreign policy star, boy
See Russia from my front yard

By living so close I must just know that place
Gee who would dare doubt this
The Bering strait is a strategic place
In every game of Risk
I see Russia from my front yard
I'm a foreign policy star, boy
See Russia from my
See Russia from my
See Russia from my front yard

Well my lack of credentials has come out
But don't you never mind
Kamchatka's so close no one should doubt
That Russia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind
Oh come on
Hey Couric, you, uh, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I see Russia from my front yard
I'm a foreign policy star, boy
See Russia from my front yard

Well my lack of credentials has come out
But don't you never mind
Kamchatka's so close no one should doubt
That Russia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind

Oh I know out beyond the snow peaked
Mountains lies that place
If Putin comes too near to us
He'll run smack into this pitbull's lipstick face
I deserve all of your trust
I see Russia from my front yard
Hey I'm a foreign policy star, boy
See Russia from my front yard
Oh, just believe me country

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-09-22T18:59:00.001-04:00

Change is on the Way!

In the midst of a deepening economic crisis, Americans today demanded change, and one party promised to deliver - the Republicans.

On Wall Street, deregulation and unchecked greed, driven by an ideology that greed is good and corporations must be left alone no matter what have brought the country to the brink of financial ruin. Who will save us from such an ideology? Send in the Republicans!

On main street ordinary people were left out of an economy where the rich grew richer. Wages stagnated due to an ideology that whatever corporations want is good. Health care costs soared due to a belief that corporations should be left alone and would always do what is right. Tens of millions were uninsured due to a belief that government intervention is always wrong. Who will save us from such ideology? Send in the Republicans!

Our environment is being dangerously destroyed by pollution and global warming. A belief that whatever corporations wanted was always right has brought this about. This same ideology keeps us addicted to oil and facing domestic and foreign policy crises that will only worsen in the future. Who will save us from this ideology? Send in the Republicans!

Overseas our army is stuck in an unneccesary and unending war. Our status around the world is at an all time low. Who will fix the mistakes of the party in power? Send in the Republicans!

In Washington, corruption, greed and a refusal to admit mistakes have brought foreign policy and fiscal disaster. Deficits have made the future more insecure than ever. Who will take on the horrible fat cats who brought us to ruin? Who will save us from the mistakes of the last eight years? Send in the Republicans!

Vote Change! Vote Republican!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-09-16T14:45:00.000-04:00

McCain's Economic Plan

Hush, liberal media, don't say a word.
Economic problems should not be heard

And if those problems still appear,
McCain's gonna say there's no crisis here

And if the crisis hits your town
McCain says the fundamentals are sound

And if those fundamentals break,
McCain's gonna say they should just eat cake

And if your gas tank's never full,
McCain's gonna sell you a load of bull

And if that load of bull don't fly,
McCain's gonna complain that his tax bill's high.

And if the economy's in tatters,
McCain's gonna say Wall Street doesn't matter.

And if that stock market falls down,
He'll really be the most out of touch in town.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-09-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

Republicans Become Democrats
Minneapolis - The Republican Convention has brought forth the most amazing shift in the Republican Party since its inception - Republicans have accepted Democratic values and ideas as their own.

The amazing shift began this week when it was revealed that Sarah Palin's teenage daughter was pregnant. The party that gave us Ronald Reagan, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich attacking teenage mothers and their families as moral failures instantly switched to more compassionate Democratic beliefs. Every Republican commentator was able to keep a straight face while reciting the same talking points, "This is a private matter for the family to deal with. We all have to understand that these things happen and no one should ever blame the family. Matters of sex and pregnancy are entirely private and news media and government have no place discussing them at all."

The party that belittled Hillary Clinton for "Whining" about sexism now is convinced that any examination or criticism of their candidate's record is caused by out of control sexism, which they find completely unnacceptable.

By choosing and defending a candidate with an equivalent amount of political experience to Barack Obama and claiming she's ready to lead, the Republicans have admitted that both of these 40 something politicians are ready to be Commander-in-Chief from day one. A remarkable shift in just one week whereby the Republicans have made clear that all their earlier criticisms of Obama are irrelavant.

While most Republicans have taken to accepting Democratic ideas quite easily, some were still holding out hope that their earlier criticsms are not hypocritical. McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds managed to keep from laughing out loud earlier this week when claiming Palin has much executive experience as head of the Alaskan national guard. Military analysts have backed him up by pointing out how often Alaska is the crux of world strategy - in every game of Risk played by teenage boys.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Aburd.

2008-08-24T19:45:00.002-04:00

McCain Offers Change He Can Believe In

Arizona - pResidential hopeful John McCain today announced his concrete proposals for a future based on his wisdom and experience. Here are some excerpts:

Energy Policy - "I believe we need a realistic policy that looks towards the future. When I was a young sailor the world ran on whale oil. I know there are a lot of whales off our coast right now, full of sweet, sweet blubber. I propose we drill offshore in our whale population to solve our energy crisis. Don't give me scientific or economic 'data'. I say Drill Now, Drill Anywhere, Don't Think About Anything. Those whales are this country's greatest resource, and there they sit, playing in the surf, blowing their spouts, they're asking for it I tell you, they're all asking for it. That's Change I Can Believe In."

The Economy - "I think things are going fine. People lost their houses because they were irresponsible. I take care of all my houses, however many I may have. I know ordinary middle class people making less than five million a year can have hard times so I have a plan: divorce your first wife and marry a rich one. That's Change I Can Believe In."

Foreign Policy - "Only I've been around long enough to have the wisdom to deal with a crisis. The moment I heard Georgia had been invaded I strongly condemned General Sherman. And my complaining totally fixed everything. That's Change I Can Believe In."

Gay Marriage - "In my day men who liked other men didn't get married, they became sailors. That's Change I Can Believe In."

Iraq - "My ads have summed it up, the problem is those hippies at Woodstock. As I explained to my friend George Bush, people were sitting in America doing drugs while I was in Vietnam. I promise if elected to get those damn hippies. That's Change I Can Believe In."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-08-12T13:14:00.000-04:00

Iraq Policy Succeeds in Georgia

Washington - pResident Bush today declared the Russian invasion of Georgia a victory for his Iraq policy, stating, "I have definitively weakened our status in the world to the point where we can do nothing about aggression but whine feebly. Were it not for my brilliant policy of getting the world's mightiest military bogged down in an endless unnecessary war in Iraq the world might still give a crap what we think. Thankfully that is not the case."

"The Russian Invasion of Georgia, unthinkable eight years ago, is against all international laws and norms. I have made this once unchallenged superpower so weak there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. From Iran to Russia to Venezuela no evil government is afraid of us at all. To our friends like Georgia, you're on your own. This is my legacy to the American people, the historic moment when we realized we were impotent on the world stage and everyone else realized it too. I promise to make inneffectual pronouncements in the coming days and weeks and hopefully Russia will withdraw when they've decided they met every one of the goals of their illegal aggression."

pResidential hopeful John McCain agreed with the pResident, "It's not easy to erase the political and military influence of a superpower. Thankfully we learned the lessons of Vietnam; it can be done, just get bogged down in occupying a small country for a long time. I have promised to continue all the policies of this administration that made this possible. Iraq has been a harsh message to our enemies: If you are an agressor, the US military is stuck in Iraq and isn't leaving anytime soon. Take that bitches. If elected, I promise to have all options available for dealing with our enemies, from doing nothing to whining impotently. If you like what Bush did for America, vote for me!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-07-22T21:24:00.001-04:00

Campaign Commentary for July 2008

Here are some random thoughts on the campaign this month:

1. John McCain - Now he's whining that Obama is the media darling. Hasn't McCain been the media darling at many times in his career, including his 2000 Campaign?

McCain kept after Obama to make a trip to Iraq and Afghanistan, then he whines when Obama's trip makes big news. Whatever Obama does, McCain whines, a flip-flopper and whiner in Chief.

McCain has an ad blaming Obama for high oil prices. This was picked up by FOX News, which blamed Democrats. Are you kidding me? Eight years of an Administration that loves the oil companies and did nothing to reduce our dependence on foreign oil or even plan to reduce consumption. That caused high oil prices and left us with no options to reduce them in the near future. Republicans blaming Democrats for high oil prices is like a room full of obese people blaming the skinny kid when the cake is gone.

McCain also had another add that starts out with hippies at Woodstock, a theme he constantly brings up when referring to Vietnam and his view of Iraq. Do we really want a President who's still afraid of Hippies? HIPPIES? What else is he afraid of? Communists? Polio? Blacks sitting at lunch counters? Women in the workforce? The Black Plague? We don't need a Commander in Chief still fighting battles from 40 years ago.

2. Iraq - The Prime minister of Iraq endorsed a timetable for US withdrawal, much like Obama's plan. Bush and McCain oppose such a plan. Most Iraqis have wanted us to leave for years. Is this spreading Democracy? We ignore the will of the people and their democratically elected government?

3. The surge has reduced levels of violence in Iraq to 2004 levels. Bin Laden is still on the loose and the Taliban is growing in Afghanistan. The Army says it has no more troops to spare. So yes the surge had an effect (It achieved its goal, it bought George Bush time to hand someone else the bag.) Does that make everyone who opposed the war wrong? If we had been told in 2003 that five years of war would get us 2004 levels of violence, no WMD's, a free bin Laden and resurgent Taliban who would have supported the war? And if the surge is working, why can't we leave? We couldn't leave when things were going bad, we can't leave when they're improving, when can we leave, when the magic fairies come and turn it into a happy wonderland?

4. Lou Dobbs - He did a story with the headline "Illegal Immigrants to decide next election" Talk about ridiculous, exagerrated fear mongering. Illegal immigrants, who hide out from any government interference are registering to vote? Who believes this crap? And if it did happen, in numbers to decide the election? Really? His source: The Heritage Foundation a right wing think tank. That's like using Iran's President as a good source to talk about Israel. Lou Dobbs is a journalist like I'm the Polynesian Goddess of Plenty.

5. Iran - Obama was accused of "Coddling Terrorists" for suggesting talking to Iran. Now the Bush administration is talking to Iran. So where's the outrage from the Republicans for Bush "coddling terrorists" Oh well, at least he didn't sell them weapons like Reagan and Ollie North (Now a "patriotic" commentator on FAUX NEWS)>

This commentary is not endorsed by either the Obama or McCain campaigns. It is also not endorsed by anyone with anything approaching a sense of humor. It is not guaranteed to be accurate, prescient, relevant or remotely entertaining. If you are still reading this it's really your own fault, so you shouldn't waste any more time whining now.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-05-30T22:37:00.001-04:00

Dunkin' Donuts Bans Coffee

Canton, MA - Corporate Giant Dunkin' Donuts today announced they will quit selling coffee after an upsurge of complaints from right wing groups that claim coffee is a symbol of terrorism.

Company spokesman Spyne Les annoucned the policy, "We found out that coffee in fact came to Europe originally through arab lands and we're shocked to hear this. So all our coffee imports from South America have been banned, otherwise the terrorists will win. This isn't an overreaction, just a sane approach to a small piece of information we just learned. Seems Coffee came originally from Ethiopia and then spread to Arabia. We can't have American caffeine buzzes threatened with furrin beans,it would mean we'd all have to surrender to the terrorists. And we don't surrender to anyone, unless you send us nasty notes, please don't send us nasy notes, we'll do whatever you want. The Croissant - gone?"

Conservative Columnist Michelle Malkin explained the problem, "By serving coffee, which comes from arabia, or africa, or some place where people have dark skin and no microwave burritos, Dunkin' Donuts was obviously saying to the terrorists, "We hate Ameria, please come kill us all."

"When will liberals learn, we're on to you, you scarf wearing, coffee drinking terrorists who wish the terrorists would come kill you and all your families which you show by drinking Costa Rican and Guatemaulan fair trade, why don't you all just put on Burqas? This is not a rant, but a reasoned piece of Republican politial analysis that shows how dangerous our world has become. Who will stand between the children and the ground up beans and hot water? Not Rachael Ray that's for sure. Let Bin Laden tremble in this hideouts tonight, We're drinking cokes and not wearing anything even closely resembling a scarf - handkerchiefs are right out. America is safe once again, but the price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

Ann Coulter summed it up: 1. scarf = terrorist 2. Rachael ray = scarf wearing terrorist 3. Coffee = furrin in origin, not American 4. Anyone who drinks coffee hates American and wants to be raped by bin Laden in their sleep. When will liberals ever learn to quit being so stupid?

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolihan (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-05-30T17:11:00.003-04:00

Rachael Ray is a Terrorist?

See this ad? Rachael Ray appeared in a Dunkin' Donuts ad wearing a paisley scarf this week. Conservatives decided she was actually wearing a keffiyeh, a traditional arab headdress. They then decided she was sending a secret message of support for terrorists to kill Americans. They protested to Dunkin' Donuts, and the company pulled the ad.

So these people believe:

1. A keffiyeh, which means different things to different people, but is just a scarf to millions, is a secret sign for terrorists to attack America.

2. A paisley scarf worn around the neck is in fact a keffiyeh.

3. Rachael Ray is secretly shouting "Hey terrorists, I hate America, please come and kill us."

This is verifiable, sure as the sun rises in the morning proof that these people are stupid. I don't mean have a different worldview, subscribe to a different point of view or all that other politically correct B.S. This is scientific proof that they are dumb. Really dumb. I can't fathom people this dumb. I've known many hardcore conservatives but never met anyone who would believe this nonsense, because it doesn't represent a different point of view but actual stupidity.

In a world where Americans should be as smart as possible to compete in the global economy, it's a shame Dunkin' Donuts is supporting such stupidity. Well I can tell you who's going to be "left behind" in the twenty-first century, the stupid people.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-05-21T18:33:00.000-04:00

Hillary Gains New Support

Washington - Despite losing the majority of votes cast to her rival, Senator Hillary Clinton today argue she should get the Democratic nomination. This news inspired several new supporters to come out in favor of her candidacy. The following is a random sample of her new following:

Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe stated: Elections aren't about who gets the most votes, or what the majority of people want. Hillary Clinton should be the leader, she's my kind of politician.

George W. Bush of Crawford Texas also showed his support: I'm tired of elections being decided by counting every single vote. This is inefficient. What you need is to find a body of people who will choose the right candidate - you. Hillary is my kind of politician.

David Duke of Louisiana stated his support as well: Hillary has consistently won the white vote. She stated she should get the candidacy because her supporters are the hard working whites. She's my kind of politican, appealing to the whiteness of us all. Oh, so nice and white, very, very white.

Hillary herself thanked her supporters and added a comment, "This isn't over because a majority of people vote for one person. That's not what America is about, and that's not the kind of leader I'll be. So vote for me, and if you don't, who cares, I should be President anyway.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-04-14T22:36:00.000-04:00

Obama is an Elitist

Washington - The tirade over Senator Obama's comments that the poor and unemployed are bitter continued today. Many called the comments "elitist". Here's a random sample of what some Americans had to say:

Hillary Clinton, a multi-millionaire author and policitian from New York had this to say while eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon, "I can't believe how out of touch with the concerns of ordinary people this guy is. He is definitely not down with us plain ordinary folk. What an overly educated, rich snob. The poor don't need a President who tells them what they think, just ask me and I'll tell you what they think."

John McCain, a wealthy politician from Arizona, spoke of his concern while traveling to one of his vacation homes on a private jet, "This guy is so far removed from the concerns of ordinary people. The poor are not bitter. I know many poor people. All my maids and gardeners swear they are not bitter and unhappy in the least. So I'm much more in touch with the people than Obama, who hardly has any household staff to converse with. What an out of touch elite fool."

George Bush, wealthy oilman and politician, son of a wealthy oilman and politician, added this, "He has no idea of the lives of ordinary Americans. He was raised by a single mother, so right off the bat he's out of touch with those of us who had two parents. No one is bitter in today's economy. I know because all of my friends and family say they are very happy with the way things are, very happy indeed. So you see how out of touch Obama is."

Fawks Nooswatchir, an actual poor person from Pennsylvania, also commented, "No we're not bitter. My husband just got laid off and we have four kids and no health insurance. But we're not bitter, what would we possibly have to be bitter about? I don't want some out of touch politician telling me things have to change. We're quite happy with the way things are. I hope deserving people like the McCains get another tax cut this year. Stay the course!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

2008-03-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

Bush Says Iraq War Worthwhile

Washington - pResident Bush today gave another ridiculous, Orwellian, completely divorced from reality speech on Iraq. This time he claimed the Iraq war was definitely "worth it." The following are some excerpts from that speech:

"The war in Iraq has definitely been worth all the sacrifices and cost - for me. I have definitely benefitted from all the suffering and hardship this war has created. I got to be a war pResident and call my critics unpatriotic. I got to completely distract people from the fact that I failed to catch bin Laden. Heck, I even distracted them from the fact that all my reasons for going to war were false. I also got to use the war as an excuse to give tax cuts to the rich while racking up huge deficits because of the war. Even I don't follow the logic on that one"

"Of course it's not only me who benefitted. Halliburton and many other corrupt companies have made a fortune 'rebuilding' Iraq despite the fact that it's still a disaster area. We have to take their shareholders into account when we calculate the benefits of this war as well."

"And let's not forget Al Qaeda. In 2002 they were a small scared organization on the run. Because of Iraq they're a growing organization, with new recruits joining up because of this war every day. And because we're stuck in Iraq they're actually regaining ground in Afhanistan. You're welcome bin Laden. I don't know anything better we could have done to screw up the war against terror than invade and occupy a muslim country that had nothing to do with 9-11."

"And of course there's North Korea, Iran, Russia and Venezuela. Having our army stuck in Iraq was a green light to every tinpot dictator out there: make trouble, oppress your own people, get WMDs there's nothing the US can do about it. They heard the call and they're grateful for the opportunity."

"China is another big winner here. With our economy faltering and our debt growing, they've been able to basically take over our financial assets and our future. When we have to grovel to China throughout this century, I hope people remember to thank me for what I did, taking the world's strongest economy and turning it into a beggar."

"Lastly, let's not forget the humor writers. My administration has made so many obvious mistakes here I've given them material for years. From the John Stewarts and the Jay Lenos down to every idiot with a website who thinks they're funny but really isn't. Overall, yes this was worth it,can you imagine a world where none of this was true?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-16T15:35:00.000-04:00

Random News Commentary for March 2008

Why...
...because I can.

1. China - Last week the Bush administration took China off its list of top human rights violators. This week China is shooting and arresting Tibetans all over the place. Good call Bush!

2. Geraldine Ferarro - She said Barack would not be where he was if he wasn't a black man. This is not only racist, but so stupid Dinesh D'Souza or Bill O'Reilly should have said it. Because there's so many black politicians. And Barack is the third black Senator since reconstruction. Yes, America loves all Black politicians. That's why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had such easy roads to the White House. It must be because Obama's black, rather than something about him. That's why Obama was polled as way behind Clinton until two months ago and has mostly been neck and neck with her ever since.

She also said he wouldn't be where he was today if he was a woman. Where is he today? A senator tied pretty closely with his rival for the nomination. Yes, no woman could do that. Nope, can't find any evidence of it. How does the fact that Hillary was the crowned leader last fall and now has been pretty much tied with Obama for months prove she's being discriminated against?

3. Other election news: Mississippi - Obama got the majority of the black vote and Hillary got the majority of the white vote. Basically the same results you would have had 100 years ago - if women or blacks had been allowed to vote. Great progress Mississippi!

4. Bush and Opec - Bush tried to convince Opec to raise production. Apparently this is the only thing he can think of after eight years of being in a position to move on any number of potential solutions to our energy problems. Too bad all that time holding hands with the king of Saudi Arabia didn't work. Apparently they put oil profits ahead of the best interests of America. Wow, how could Bush have seen that coming or understand such a mindset?

5. The American economy - Basically every economic indicator says were headed into a bad recession. But just two weeks ago Bush promised us we weren't headed into a recession. How could the world's greatest economic mind be wrong? Good thing this is his first mistake or I might lose faith in the guy.

6. Cheney in Mideast - Cheney heads to the mideast to meet with leaders in Saudi Arabia and other countries and discuss energy among other things. His national security adviser said he had a "rich agenda." No kidding.

7. Iran - The conservatives won another election hands down, even though most people disagree with their agenda. Wow, that is a totally different system than ours.

8. The Pope - The Pope said it's time for the violence in Iraq to stop. I imagine this call from the leader of the world's largest Christian denomination should end the violence in Iraq momentarily.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

Hillary's Experience Empowers Women

Washington - Hillary Clinton's use of her time in the White House in speeches and ads as evidence of her political experience has caused a strong reaction from women everywhere.

Gloria Steinem was one the first to speak out, "This is exactly what we wanted when we founded the feminist movement - for women to gain validity through their husbands experiences. Kudos to Hillary for proving a women's ability to make something of herself - by riding her husband's coat tails."

Laura Bush also spoke out, "I was with my husband for eight years in the white house and as a governor before that so I have almost as much experience as Hillary, I'm totally going to run for President. Seems I'm much more qualified to be in the White House than either Obama or McCain."

Sandy Green of Conneticut, whose husband is an astronaut, recently applied to lead a shuttle mission. "Obviously I've been involved in his life decisions, I've been there listening to him through all this. I must be qualified to command the space shuttle."

Julie Nicholson of Alabama also declared her new found experience, "My husband has been a heart surgeon for 30 years. I'm going to apply to the hospital's surgical team as well. Let's see if any other applicants can top my 30 years of helping my husband make decisions."

This new found discovery of the usefulness of vicarious experience is not only affecting women. Several of Elizabeth Taylor's ex husbands have recently began screening for lead actress roles in movies, citing their experience as great Hollywood actresses.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-05T19:23:00.000-05:00

Republicans Endorse Hillary

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination. The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-01-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

FDA Approves Soylent Green for Human Consumption

Washington - The FDA today declared Soylent Green and all similar products safe for human consumption. The decision was handed down without public debate and very little news coverage.

FDA spokesman Frank N. Fudes described the decision, "We have merely declared Soylent Green fit for human consumption, we haven't actually put it on the market. Therefore there's no need for public debate or a detailed examination of the issues involved by anyone. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, we'll just let a few years go by and without anyone knowing it, Soylent Green will be part of the food supply. That's the best way for this to work."

Following the Bush administration's highly successful strategy of working with industry and getting rid of regulation in favor of "voluntary compliance", big agro-business will quietly introduce Soylent Green into the food supply at a time they choose. Said industry spokesman Apac O. Lippse, "We realized the public might be uneasy with this, so the best thing to do is give them no say in the matter. Foods will not be labeled as to whether they contain Soylent Green or not, this will spare the public a lot of confusion and worry. People can be crazy, it's best to trust uncontrolled industry when it comes to the public health."

The announcement was greated with applause by all parties involved, including big agro-business, big food processing, big biogenetics firms, and politicians who get campaign contributions from all of them. The only dissenting voice was a barely audible shout which sounded vaguely like Charleton Heston.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-01-01T16:59:00.000-05:00

I wrote this parody in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite coffee shop.

Coffee
(To the tune of "Rockstar" by Nickelback.)

I'm through with standing in line
To clubs I'll never get in
It's like it's already finals
And I'm never gonna win
College hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

I want some fresh ground beans
From a place I've never been
In a mug that I can do backstrokes in
And a comfy chair big enough
for ten plus me
(So what you need?)

I'll need a caffeine buzz that's got no limit
In a big glass mug with espresso in it
Gonna get my mind working
At thirty times its normal speed

(Been there, done that)

I want a big notebook full of poetry
Gonna be a big writer someday you see
Somewhere between God and
Shakespeare is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name

Chorus:
Cause we all just want to drink good coffee
And sit at tiny tables drinking ground up beans
The buzz comes easy but it isn't cheap
We'll all stay wired cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hang out in the coffee shops
And just trade B.S. with the friends we got
Every wannabe scholar's gonna wind up there
Every burnt out poser with the unwashed hair

Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee(2x)

I wanna be smart like Hawking without Lou Gehrig's
Writing articles like academic bigwigs
Gonna get my club card punched
So I can get one drink for free
(I'll have a large mocha, on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass somewhat out of fashion
Get a big latte that cost a king's ransom
Gonna find a barista
That loves to foam my latte for me
(So how you gonna do it)
I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name
(chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee

I'm gonna drink those beans
That are dark and bolder
Gonna tell my parents to give up Folgers
I'll tell all my friends to spread the word out
Let's tell em no one should touch that Maxwell House
(Chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee
Hey, Hey, I wanna drink good coffee

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-12-06T17:16:00.000-05:00

How the Dinosaurs Died Out

The following excerpt is from the newly approved Science textbook for Texas school districts. It is based on Intelligent Design theory, which is completely different from creationism and researched using totally proven scientifical methods and stuff.

Three thousand years after the earth was created (In exactly the shape it is today.) God noticed an increase in wickedness. People began to pay attention to liberal cave drawings and turned from their Christian ways. (Since everyone was always Christian back then. And White. And spoke English.) Some wanted the wealthy to pay taxes. Others sinned by giving handouts to poor people, which only made them lazy. Others lived in harmony with nature, rather than raping and destroying it. All in all God had no choice but to destroy the wicked ones. So he sent a big flood. And if the poor people didn't get evacuated on the ark then it was their own darn fault and certainly not the government's place to help them.

Anyway, Noah (Who was white and spoke English and never immmigrated anywhere, at least not without the proper papers.) gathered all the animals on his ark, including all the Dinosaurs, who lived in harmony with people.

All went well for awhile, but then some of the Dinosaurs started practicing sodomy (Which they learned from liberal scrolls smuggled onto the Ark, because no one thinks of these things on their own.) Noah was fair and left them alone for awhile, because he knew God would smite them for being different.

But that was Noah's mistake. Once the Stegosaurus acted gay, the Brontosaurus, who'd never been gay before, thought "Wow, that looks like a tempting lifestyle, I'm totally going to be gay now." The previously devout Hadrosaurs saw this and suddenly started being gay too. Eventually all the dinosaurs, who'd never had a gay thought in their life before, couldn't resist the temptation of the gay lifestyle, which happens to ordinary heterosexuals, since no one is ever actually gay.

Noah tried to talk sense into the Dinosaurs, but they were corrupted beyond measure, even hosting a Judy Garland festival on the foredeck. The final straw came when a T-Rex came to Noah as the captain of the ship and asked to marry his partner, a previously butch, God-fearing, assault rifle owning Triceratops. This was too much, and Noah had the dinosaurs thrown overboard, where the great flood buried them in deep layers under all the other sediment of the flood, to show future archaeologists how they fell from God's grace. And that's the scientifical, historicalogical honest truth.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

RIP Kevin Dubrow 1955-2007

I just learned that Kevin Dubrow passed away. If you weren't a Heavy Metal fan in the 1980's (Although many claim to be now) he was the lead singer of Quiet Riot. While they were only big for a brief period of time their 1983 debut album "Metal Health" with the hit single "Cum on Feel the Noize" was the first heavy metal album to hit number one. They paved the way for the L.A. Metal explosion of the 1980s. So as a former headbanger I feel I should pour out a 40 oz of hairspray for my homie who ain't around no more. Instead I did this song parody based on one of their songs in tribute. Why...
...because I can.

Nostalgia
(To the tune of "Metal Health" by Quiet Riot)

While I'm a headbanger, teenager
Momma says that I'm in real danger
Got no brains, I'm insane
Teacher says that I'm one big pain
It was the 80's, we went crazy
Ronald Reagan said we were just lazy
I want it louder
More power
Blast Tipper Gore outta her ivory tower
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Well we're all aged
But not dated, critics say we were over-rated
Time has moved up and we're all grownup
Top 40 fans you have all been shown up
We got the voice to make the noise
Won't ever let up
Hope it annoys you
Join the pack
Feel the crack
We're all still here
There's no way back
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia will drive you crazy
Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia is what we all need
It's what we're all gonna have
Bang your head
Wake the dead
We're all metal mad
It's all you have
So bang your head
And raise the dead
Oh yeah!
Nostalgia
It's not too bad
Bad, bad
Oh let preachers see devils and witches oh
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Phil Collins fans are weak ass bitches, Rock on, Rock on, Rock on
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-19T23:22:00.001-05:00

The True Story of the Thanksgiving Turkey

Many historians claim that turkey was originally domesticated in the Americas and Eurasia had its first taste of the bird on the first Thanksgiving. This is actually patently false, as recent scholarship has shown.

The wild turkey (Predatoris Terriblus) has been found in archaeological digs in Central Asia dating back over 50,000 years. It is believed to have descended from an ancient missing link between dinosaurs and birds known as Magnus Illegitimus Asinus Avis (Big Ass Bastard of a Bird) which grew up to 30 feet in length and whose fossils are found throughout Siberia. It is believed that wild turkeys were first domesticated somewhere in Central Asia around 10,000 years ago, at first to help in hunting other game, as the Eurasian wild turkey was much more aggressive than its current domesticated descendants.

The first written sources for the domesticated turkey come from India, where invading Aryans from Central Asia are believed to have terrified the inhabitants of the Indus Valley with the ferocious birds. Depictions of vicious turkeys eating the eyeballs of their victims appear on cylinder seals throughout Harrapan archaeological sights. Perhaps more will be learned if the writing of this ancient culture is ever deciphered.

Written Hindu sources began mentioning the bird around the 3rd Century B.C.E. The most famous passage is in the Bhagavad Gita, which portrays Siva annihiliating his enemies by transforming himself into a ferocious bird with an odd appenage hanging from his beak. The mistranslation "Behold I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" is actually more like "Behold I am become the terrible bird of your nightmares, the destroyer of smaller birds the world over". The quote became famous when Oppenheimer reportedly mentioned it after the first atomic bomb test. In fact Oppenheimer was referring to the delicious turkey sandwich he had just eaten while awaiting the results of the test.

The turkey was a mythical bird for many nomadic warriors throughout Central Asia. The Osmanli, or Ottoman, Turks revered the bird and were reoportedly guided by a large turkey on their journey from Central Asia to the coasts of Asia Minor in the 12th Century. The legend has it that a giant bird rested upon the shores and spoke "Here shall all have refreshment and gain, and lyeth upon the footstools and couches and watcheth greate sporte." The Ottomans thus became famous for reclining on their couches and footstools, which they named after their royal dynasty.

Europeans on the other hand, feared the ferocious military power of the Turks, and began calling them by the fearsome birds which accompanied their armies, the Turkey. Ottoman sultans reportedly kept large flocks of turkeys which they used to hunt falcons. The Ottoman professional soldiers, the Janissaries, were reported to have huge flocks of heavily trained "Kamikaze turkeys" which flew into enemy firepits the night before the battle, being then roasted and eaten by their enemies, and lulling them into a deep slumber.

Europeans got their first taste of the bird in 1683, when the Ottomans besieged Vienna. When the siege was lifted by Austrian and Polish armies, they plundered the Ottoman camp and captured many of the strange birds. The people of Vienna reportedly ate the bird until they were "stuffed" thus starting a tradition of "stuffed" turkey which continues to this day.

The turkey was brought to the new world in the 18th century by Hungarian turkey herders who sought new lands to develop large ranches, as by this time Central Europe was out of good turkey grazing land. These Hungarian "turkeyboys" had limited success at first, but later immigrants learned to domesticate the still vicious bird and make it more docile, as well as less afraid of wild cranberries. Later American myth gave the origin of the turkey to Native Americans in order to give them something to cover up all the useful things they had stolen from them. Instead of gunpowder and the printing press, inventions of Cahokian and Aztec culture respectively, European historians rewrote the books. Thus Europe takes credit for introducing the printing press to the world, whereas Native Americans get a large bird, now flightless and docile.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-03T17:48:00.000-04:00

FAUX News Report - 1483

Spain - The Holy Inquisition seems poised to nominate Tomas de Torquemada for the post of Inquisitor General, despite his reluctance to discuss whether some interrogation techniques constitute torture. The Pope has stood by the nominee, calling him a "man of integrity who's been treated unfairly by the nominating committee"

The confirmation of Torquemada was almost derailed last week when one committee member asked him to describe the technique known as "Chinese Water Torture." Torquemada claimed to be unfamiliar with the practice. When the procedure, which simulates drowning, was explained to him, he refused to rule on whether it constitutes torture, stating, "I wouldn't want to condemn the torturers who do this to possible prosecution in the future. Not that the inquisition tortures, cause we totally don't."

With the possibility of a Papal election coming up, several cardinals hoping to run for office chimed in. Cardinal Jool L'Awnee stated, "We have to be tough on these criminals. We know they're criminals because they were arrested, governments don't make mistakes. Not that we torture, but we have to be able to torture these guys." Cardinal Myttrawm Nee stated his position, "Look, I would totally torture these guys worse than L'Awnee would, so I'm the only one who can protect you. Oh, and we don't torture."

A spokesman for the pope added the final word, "We don't torture, but we need these 'enhanced interrogation techniques' like the Chinese water torture. It's the only thing keeping you safe from your enemies. I'm sure history will show that the Spanish Inquisition did the right thing."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

2007-10-28T22:40:00.000-04:00

Bush Warns of Violence in Mideast

Washington - Without a trace of irony, pResident Bush today warned Turkey of the dangers of war in Iraq. Without so much as a smirk, Bush scolded the Turks, "Don't go rushing into war in Iraq without pondering the consequences. The Middle East can be a dangerous place to intervene and you have to be careful of what you're getting into. I urge caution and diplomacy here, not unilateral military action which could have broad consequences for your country and the entire region."

Vice pResident Dick Cheney then chimed in, displaying as keen a grasp of irony as Alanis Morrisette, "A military strike might sound good, but the real world isn't a Tom Clancy novel. Sure force sounds tough, decisive, but have you thought about the long term repercussions? What happens on day 2, day 3, day 40, three years from now? You have to think through all the possible outcomes, you have to have a plan for these contingencies. What's your exit strategy? You can't just go charging in like some cowboy, this is the Middle East for God's sake."

After the press conference, the pResident and Vice pResident then walked out of camera range before exploding into uncontrolled laughter. They then went to a planning meeting for the bombing of Iran.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-10-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Dumbeldore Denies Gay Rumors

London - In a rare public press conference, Albus Dumbeldore denied reports that he is gay. Author J.K. Rowlings recent claim that he is in fact a closeted homosexual led the beloved character of the Harry Potter series to speak out. "I'm totally not gay, don't believe what the media tells you, I was framed by that foolish woman Rowling, who's only trying to get attention. Muggle bitch set me up. I swear I am not and never have been gay."

Dumbledore's denial added to an ongoing controversy. The Ministry of Magic claims to have caught Dumbledore in innapropriate behavoir during an undercover operation in a Hogwarts laboratory. Dumbeldore responded, "That was entrapment, I just have a wide stance. I'm a British boarding schoolmaster, I have to spend a lot of time in the boys' lavatory, making sure they shower, dress, look nice, and punishing them when they're bad. There's nothing gay about that. If there was every upper class male in Britain would be suspect."

Dumbeldore was flanked by professor Macgonagle, who he claims to have had a secret long term relationship. Said Dumbeldore, "I totally love the ladies, always have. We're going back to my place right now to have man-woman sexual intercourse. With her vagina, which is so sexy to me. I'm so totally not gay, really."

The loudest response came from Evangelical leader Brains Gotnone of Farmisht on the Family, a conservative group. Dr. Gotnone stated, "We are really gonna boycott Harry Potter now, even more than we already do. This is double secret boycott. That'll show 'em."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

Bush Optimistic on Economy

Washington - pResident Bush today delivered an upeat forecast on the economy, assuring Americans that overall things were going great and the future looked bright. In a reasoned, objective assessment based on deep economic knowledge, the pResident assured Americans that they were in fact doing fine. Said the pResident, "I talked to everyone I know and no one is facing foreclosure, job loss or lack of health insurance. We're all very happy and secure."

The American public reacted with relief. Welder John Griffin of South Carolina, one of over a million families being thrown on the street this year reacted, "Thank God things are going good, I was getting worried about this mortgage thingie."

Shane Blodgett, who makes $9 dollars an hour part time at a mop factory, expressed relief, "I was worried about things, but the pResident assured us unemployment is pretty low. That made me feel secure."

Mary Johnson, a diabetic mother of four without health insurance, was also releived, "I sometimes worry about the future, but I saw the pResident on FOX and I know I don't need to worry or ever listen to some commie democrat who wants to destroy the best health care system on earth."

Trevor Lind, who makes $20,000 dollars a year and lives in a 30 year old trailer with a $100,000 mortgage says, "I know I can trust the pResident, he understands people like us, unlike those elite rich liberals. I'm going to retire next year and now I can forget about the economy and worry about the real danger I face in my life, like Mexican murderers, Iranian Mullahs and gay dudes getting married."

Economists themselves expressed surprise and relief. Said one New York stockbroker, "Whenever Bush speaks on the economy you never know what he's going to say. We were pleasantly surprised this time to hear him say things are going fine and we should stay the course. I think the lesson for all the people you quoted above is that things are going great and now is a really good time for them to invest more money in the stockmarket."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-15T16:04:00.000-04:00

Based on the legend of Rabbi Loew of Prague (1520-1609) who was believed to have created a Golem, a man made of clay used to protect the Jewish community. I was teaching about this in my Jewish History class this week, so I thought of this parody.

Why...
...because I can.

In the Ghetto
(To the tune of "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley)

As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
In the heart of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto
And the rabbi cries
'cause if theres one thing his people need
It's a protector who doesn't bleed
In the ghetto

People don't you understand
The Hebrews life was hard to stand
And they had to hope it would be better some day
Take a look at history
Are we too blind to see
That they couldn't fight themselves
Nor could they run away

Well the world turned
And all around Prague bad men they began to say
Beware of the man who's made of clay
In the ghetto

And his anger burns
So he starts to roam the streets at night
If there's a blood libel
Then he would unleash hell
In the ghetto

Then one night some mistakes were made
The golem did rampage
The Rabbi reaches in his mouth
He grabs the Shem and pulls it out
And the Rabbi cries

And the crowd hid him well in a lonely place
The legend says he'll return when danger's great
In the ghetto

As the fire dies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
Inside of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-10T19:40:00.001-04:00

FAUX News Report - 9 A.D.

Rome - The Roman Senate met today to hear the testimony of General Betraeus Maximus on the progress of the "surge" of Legions in the Germanic Regions. As expected, General Betraeus reported that the war against the barbarians is making great progress and the "surge" should be continued.

General Betraeus addressed the Senate, "We're making great progress in Germania. The war on Barbarianism is going great. If we pull out any troops now it will be really, really bad. This is totally my idea, and not the plan of our great, wise and all-knowing leader Emperor Augustus, who coincidentally wants us to keep our legions in Germania indefinitely. I always speak my mind, like when I published that scroll a few years ago just before the Emperor's appointment entitled, 'Everything's going great and Augustus is the greatest leader ever.'"

When asked about reports of heavy casualties, including three legions destroyed, the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if keeping legions in Germania distracted from the war against Persia the General replied, "This is totally part of the war against Persia, I think we should support the troops and not play politics. Just give me what I want, which just happens to be what Emperor Augustus wants and put aside your partisan politics. If you support the troops that is."

When asked if keeping half our legions in Germania indefinitely was really a new strategy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if having soldiers killed and wounded by roadside booby traps was really hurting the enemy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked what time it was, the general replied, "Why do you hate the troops? Oops, trick question, I wasn't prepared for that."

The Emperor's spokesman, Confusin Plebeians, commented, "Wow, we were really surprised, we had no idea what he was going to say. There's an independent assesment that just happens to totally support everything the Emperor ever said but is totally not 'stay the course.' If we just do what we've been doing we'll totally win the war against barbarians. I don't think we'll have any trouble from these 'Germans' for the next two thousand years."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-29T15:47:00.001-04:00

Republicans Come out of the Closet

Washington - In the wake of the Senator Larry Craig sex scandal, the Republican party announced today that it was in fact full of closeted gays. Hoping to avoid any future scandals by coming clean now, Republican spokesperson Dee Niall stated, "Yes, we're pretty much all gay here, can we just move on?"

Mr. Niall elaborated further, "Wasn't it obvious when we kept talking about people 'choosing' to be gay? No one thinks like that unless they've thought about 'choosing' it themselves. Especially in the crowds we run in, where there's a lot of penalties for coming out."

Republican pundit Selv Loathynge elaborated, "We had to be anti-gay to get votes and money, but didn't you notice it was always about sex? Who thinks about gay sex all the time? Us gays, that's who. When we kept warning of the 'temptations of the gay lifestyle' we knew what we were talking about. No real heterosexual could ever be 'tempted' by gay sex."

Senator Craig himself refused to apologize for his anti-gay marriage stance, "We honestly thought it was the right thing to do. So many of us have had succesful loveless sham marriages for years so we thought all gays should experience them. It worked for me, Ted Haggard and the rest of us and will in the future. My wife supports this lie and so do I."

The Republican party also vowed to continue it's position against gays in the military. Stated Mr. Niall, "Why should the best of us die in this war? We'll keep the gays and the sons of the wealthy and powerful safe here at home."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-27T16:13:00.000-04:00

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Why...
...because I can.

Lawyers Guns and Money
(To the tune of Warren Zevon's "Lawyers Guns and Money")

I was meddling in the Mideast
Just like I always do
How was I to know
That they hated us there too

About Sunnis, Kurds and Shiites
I just can't tell the diff
Send Lawyers, guns and money
Dad got me into this

I'm the innocent decider
Somehow I got stuck
Give more jobs to Halliburton
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck

Now I'm stalling with a troop surge
I'm a desparate man
Send Lawyers, guns and money
The Shiite's hit the fan

Send Lawyers, guns and money...

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-07T13:43:00.000-04:00

Barry Bonds' Drug Dealer Breaks Home Run Record

San Francisco - Barry Bonds' primary drug dealer broke the record for the most home runs today. The event was hailed as a landmark in the history of modern drug dealing.

Bonds' drug dealer took a modest tone as he spoke to reporters today,"Am I a hero? Maybe to some. But this isn't just about me, or even about drug dealers in general. This is about the game and all the little people that make it so great. I'm talking about the chemists and technicians in the labs around the country and around the world. We share in the passion for America's greatest pastime. Not just the big labs either, but the anonymous little sweatshop labs that never get the credit they deserve. And let's not forget the mules who move the drugs to where they need to be."

"Yes, in the end this is about the essence of the sport. An essence that can be distilled into distincT chemical properties, even to the very molecules themselves. Could people in the past do this? Could Babe Ruth with his cheap whiskey or Mickey Mantle with his weak beer? No, this is about the triumph of the human spirit over nature. Baseball is as American as Mom, Apple Pie, the unending quest for profit and several substances most athletes can't even pronounce, much less spell."

The record is expected to be contested before being entered in the Hall of Fame, mostly by the makers of competing chemicals.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-07-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

Inside Bush's Colon

The following is the official transcript of the medical conversation that occurred during Bush's July 21st colonoscopy:

Doctor #1: We're in, I think we did it.

Doctor #2: I don't see anything, this surgery may have been unnecessary.

Doctor #3: Quiet, do you know how much trouble we'll be in if anyone figures that out, just keep looking.

Doctor #1: I see something!

Doctor #2: That's just Tony Blair.

Doctor #3: Wait, there's something over there!

Doctor #1: That's his own head.

Doctor #2: Shouldn't we remove it?

Doctor #3: No, if you do that you've invalidated every one of his State of the Union Addresses.

Doctor #1: I don't think we're making any progress here, what do we do?

Doctor #2: Don't admit any mistakes, we could be in real trouble here.

Doctor #3: But what about the patient, what about ethics?

Doctor #1: What about our careers, that's the real issue here.

Doctor #2: I'll go on FAUX News and say we're still looking.

Doctor #1: I'll go on the other networks and say we're making good progress.

Doctor #3: I'll report to congress that we have several benchmarks to meet and we'll report in September.

Doctor #1: How about we blame the colon itself? Say we'll pull out when it's ready to stand on it's own?

Doctor #2: No one will buy that, we're the ones who initiated the surgery. We could try to scare everyone about how messy this'll be if we leave, tell them the polyps will follow us to our own colons.

Doctor #3: It's worth a shot, but what do we do in September when we still haven't accomplished anything?

Doctor #1: Claim we need just a little more time to show our progress.

Doctor #2:How long can we keep that charade up?

Doctor #3: Hopefully until the next election, then it becomes someone else's problem. Another team of doctors can take the blame for pulling out of here.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-07-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

New Iraq to be Created

Washington - The Iraq that only exists in Bush Administration press releases and on FOX News has voted to secede from the Iraq that exists in reality. The move is expected to create an entirely new country of progress that will be a shining example of hope and freedom to everyone.

The move was sponsored by the Administration and FOX News, which received a no bid contract to complete the job. FOX News spokesman Jo Gobles announced the plan, "We were having trouble finding the Iraq talked about in our reports anywhere on earth. It got harder and harder to reconcile our Iraq with the reality of the situation. So it became obvious that if the reality is against you, reality itself is biased and should be ignored completely."

Response from Iraqis has been ecstatic. One Baghdad shop owner, Offen Tar-Gettid, prepared to move his family to the new Iraq, "The militias killed my brother in front of me, I lost a daughter on the way to school, we want to move to the place where all this good news that the liberal media won't tell us about exists. This sounds like a paradise on earth to raise my children in."

American soldiers also expressed support for the new plan. One soldier, Pfc. Dayin Forralei commented, "I was confused for awhile. For four years everything my Commander in Chief said was about progress. At no time did he say things were getting worse. I was here in May 2003 and couldn't figure out how things got as bad as they are now. Now I know, and I would love to serve in this alternate reality which has had over four years of constant progress. Things must be great there."

The creation of the new Iraq is run by the office of the Vice President. When asked under what authority the Vice President could create a new reality, the V.P.'s office released this statement, "The office of the Vice President resides in an alternate reality. It is not answerable to the laws or legislature of this reality. That's how the Founding Fathers meant it to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-06-27T16:37:00.000-04:00

Cheney's Lullaby

Hush Little Congress

Hush little Congress, don't say a word
Dick Cheney's excuses are so absurd

Like a mobster in Sing-Sing
He ain't gonna tell no one anything

If the legislative branch asks
Cheney's executive privilege laughs

If privilege has limits
Cheney's gonna be legislative

If he's still accountable
Cheney's gonna hand you a load of bull

If that load of bull is dissed
Cheney's gonna call you a terrorist

If that excuse drops like rocks
Cheney's only gonna appear on FOX

If that FOX will just lay down
They'll be the sweetest network in this town

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-06-13T16:55:00.000-04:00

Sexy Potatoes

Boniface Bugle Productions is proud (or ashamed) to bring you the internet's hottest (and wierdest) new site:

Potato Fetish

2007-06-05T17:05:00.000-04:00

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Written after the millionth time I heard someone in the Bush administration talk of all the progress in Iraq. And dedicated to all FAUX News viewers.
Why...
...because I can.
Don't Worry, Be Happy
(To the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bob Marley)

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy

In every war there is some trouble
Just ignore it, live in a bubble
Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry be happy now
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry be happy
Ain't got no need to count the dead
Just keep those bad thoughts from your head
Don't worry, be happy

The general says the surge won't work
I say support the troops jerk
Don't worry (laugh) be happy

Look at me I'm happy
Don't worry, be happy

I give you FOX's station
When you're worried watch it
They make you happy

Don't worry, be happy

Ain't got no plans, ain't got no future
Ain't got got no problems doin' torture
But don't worry, be happy

Cause when you worry my polls go down
And people think that I'm a clown
So don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be happy now

Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy

Now there this song I wrote
I hope you learned it note for note
Like good little children

Don't worry, be happy

Listen to what I say
In this war there might be trouble
Just ignore it live in a bubble
Don't worry, be happy
Be happy now

Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it
Be happy, put a smile on your face
Don't let facts bring you down like this

Don't worry, it will soon end, whenever that is
Don't worry, be happy
I'm not worried

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Right Absurd.

2007-05-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

Falwell Estate Scandal

Lynchburg - Scandal struck the Falwell family today when a secret will was discovered leaving most of his estate to Tinky-Winky the Teletubby.

Rumors that the Reverand Falwell had carried on a secret affair with the television star were vehemently denied by Falwell's family, which is contesting the will in court. Family spokesman Totle Biggit announced, "There was no affair. Reverand Falwell may have spent time with Tinky-Winky, but only to bring him the word of the Lord. He was always reaching out to media figures in an attempt to save them from evil influences. Whether it was weekend spiritual retreats in Key West with Tinky-Winky, going to Streisand concerts with Big Bird or watching gladiator movies with Bert and Ernie, Reverand Falwell did whatever it took to spread the good word."

Tinky-Winky himself only recently came forward with his tale of a secret and stormy affair, "Publicy he denied me three times before the cock crowed, but he always came crawling back with his endearing little "I don't know how to quit you.' He may have engaged in some verbal gay bashing, but secretly he hated all forms of gay bashing, unless you count all the times he tied me up and went at me with the cat-o-nine tails. Truly ours was the love that dare not speak its name."

When asked about some of the Reverand's more controversial comments, Tinky-Winky responded, "I know it sounds strange but deep down he was a kind person who felt horrible about the things he had to say publicly. He did it to keep his followers happy and the money rolling in. He didn't really think gays were responsible for 9-11, he knew it was all the fault of the Catholics and the Jews."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-05-11T17:24:00.000-04:00

Bush and Cheney to be Deployed to Iraq

Washington - The Pentagon announced today that due to the shortage of troops caused by the surge, pResident Bush and Vice pResident Dick Cheney would be deployed as soldiers to Iraq.

The rationale for the shocking move was apparently twofold. As more soldiers were needed, old records were combed and it was discovered that the pResident never showed up for all assigned duties during his time in the National Guard, a failure that would be unnacceptable today. Thus he still owes his country service. As for the Vice pResident, his draft board decided that his use of five deferments because he "had other priorities" was just silly.

pResident Bush was rather upbeat as he prepared to depart, "Vietnam was a different time, using my Daddy's influence to get a cushy position and then not showing up because I was high on cocaine was OK then, but unnacceptable now. I'm asking for great sacrifices from our all-volunteer military, keeping them longer and deploying them more. I call on all of the 28% of us who still think this war is a good idea to join me. Supporting the troops isn't about putting a sticker on your SUV or whining on the internet. I just couldn't be one of those worthless hypocrites anymore."

Vice pResident Dick Cheney was also upbeat, "I'm not worried one bit. For four years we've been telling everyone that we're making great progress and the media doesn't report all the good news. If one-tenth of that B.S. is true, this should just be a great vacation in a lovely wonderland called Iraq."

When asked about the leadership of the country during the absence of the top two officials, White House spokesman Tony Snow commented, "We already hired a puppeteer and two sock puppets to say 'stay the course' and 'the media doesn't report all the good news' over and over. We don't think anyone will notice the difference."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-04-22T17:15:00.000-04:00

An Ode to a Coffe Shop

(Written in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite local coffee shop.)

Expresso Man
(To the tune of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

It's nine o'clock on a Wendesday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a young man right in front of me
Can't decide what he is orderin'
He says, son can you make me a coffee drink
I'm not really sure what it's called
But it's hot and it's sweet and I'm sure it sounds neat
Whether Grande or Venti or Tall
Da da da de de da
da da de de da da da
Pour us a drink you're expresso man
Pour us a drink tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a pick me up
It's the one thing that makes us feel right
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
I give him his drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke while you run out and smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says Bill I believe this is killing me
And he shook as he went on to say
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could stay sober all day
Pour us a drink you're expresso man
Pour us a drink tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a pick me up
It's the one thing that makes us feel right
Well Paul is a gamer and Star Trek fan
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talking with that fool, who's going to grad school
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is always embezzling
And the grad students always are stoned
Yes they're sharing a drink called self importance
But it's better than drinking alone
It's a pretty good crowd for a Wednesday
And the manager gives me a smile
Cause he knows that it's me who's been pushing the tea
And forgot about tips for awhile
And the professors sound way too arrogant
The undergrads smell like stale beer
And they come by the bar and ignore my tip jar
And say "Man, what are you doing here"
Da da da de de da
da da de de da da da
Pour us a drink you're expresso man

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.