Parody Central

2008-04-14T22:36:00.000-04:00

Obama is an Elitist

Washington - The tirade over Senator Obama's comments that the poor and unemployed are bitter continued today. Many called the comments "elitist". Here's a random sample of what some Americans had to say:

Hillary Clinton, a multi-millionaire author and policitian from New York had this to say while eating caviar and drinking Dom Perignon, "I can't believe how out of touch with the concerns of ordinary people this guy is. He is definitely not down with us plain ordinary folk. What an overly educated, rich snob. The poor don't need a President who tells them what they think, just ask me and I'll tell you what they think."

John McCain, a wealthy politician from Arizona, spoke of his concern while traveling to one of his vacation homes on a private jet, "This guy is so far removed from the concerns of ordinary people. The poor are not bitter. I know many poor people. All my maids and gardeners swear they are not bitter and unhappy in the least. So I'm much more in touch with the people than Obama, who hardly has any household staff to converse with. What an out of touch elite fool."

George Bush, wealthy oilman and politician, son of a wealthy oilman and politician, added this, "He has no idea of the lives of ordinary Americans. He was raised by a single mother, so right off the bat he's out of touch with those of us who had two parents. No one is bitter in today's economy. I know because all of my friends and family say they are very happy with the way things are, very happy indeed. So you see how out of touch Obama is."

Fawks Nooswatchir, an actual poor person from Pennsylvania, also commented, "No we're not bitter. My husband just got laid off and we have four kids and no health insurance. But we're not bitter, what would we possibly have to be bitter about? I don't want some out of touch politician telling me things have to change. We're quite happy with the way things are. I hope deserving people like the McCains get another tax cut this year. Stay the course!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

2008-03-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

Bush Says Iraq War Worthwhile

Washington - pResident Bush today gave another ridiculous, Orwellian, completely divorced from reality speech on Iraq. This time he claimed the Iraq war was definitely "worth it." The following are some excerpts from that speech:

"The war in Iraq has definitely been worth all the sacrifices and cost - for me. I have definitely benefitted from all the suffering and hardship this war has created. I got to be a war pResident and call my critics unpatriotic. I got to completely distract people from the fact that I failed to catch bin Laden. Heck, I even distracted them from the fact that all my reasons for going to war were false. I also got to use the war as an excuse to give tax cuts to the rich while racking up huge deficits because of the war. Even I don't follow the logic on that one"

"Of course it's not only me who benefitted. Halliburton and many other corrupt companies have made a fortune 'rebuilding' Iraq despite the fact that it's still a disaster area. We have to take their shareholders into account when we calculate the benefits of this war as well."

"And let's not forget Al Qaeda. In 2002 they were a small scared organization on the run. Because of Iraq they're a growing organization, with new recruits joining up because of this war every day. And because we're stuck in Iraq they're actually regaining ground in Afhanistan. You're welcome bin Laden. I don't know anything better we could have done to screw up the war against terror than invade and occupy a muslim country that had nothing to do with 9-11."

"And of course there's North Korea, Iran, Russia and Venezuela. Having our army stuck in Iraq was a green light to every tinpot dictator out there: make trouble, oppress your own people, get WMDs there's nothing the US can do about it. They heard the call and they're grateful for the opportunity."

"China is another big winner here. With our economy faltering and our debt growing, they've been able to basically take over our financial assets and our future. When we have to grovel to China throughout this century, I hope people remember to thank me for what I did, taking the world's strongest economy and turning it into a beggar."

"Lastly, let's not forget the humor writers. My administration has made so many obvious mistakes here I've given them material for years. From the John Stewarts and the Jay Lenos down to every idiot with a website who thinks they're funny but really isn't. Overall, yes this was worth it,can you imagine a world where none of this was true?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-16T15:35:00.000-04:00

Random News Commentary for March 2008

Why...
...because I can.

1. China - Last week the Bush administration took China off its list of top human rights violators. This week China is shooting and arresting Tibetans all over the place. Good call Bush!

2. Geraldine Ferarro - She said Barack would not be where he was if he wasn't a black man. This is not only racist, but so stupid Dinesh D'Souza or Bill O'Reilly should have said it. Because there's so many black politicians. And Barack is the third black Senator since reconstruction. Yes, America loves all Black politicians. That's why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had such easy roads to the White House. It must be because Obama's black, rather than something about him. That's why Obama was polled as way behind Clinton until two months ago and has mostly been neck and neck with her ever since.

She also said he wouldn't be where he was today if he was a woman. Where is he today? A senator tied pretty closely with his rival for the nomination. Yes, no woman could do that. Nope, can't find any evidence of it. How does the fact that Hillary was the crowned leader last fall and now has been pretty much tied with Obama for months prove she's being discriminated against?

3. Other election news: Mississippi - Obama got the majority of the black vote and Hillary got the majority of the white vote. Basically the same results you would have had 100 years ago - if women or blacks had been allowed to vote. Great progress Mississippi!

4. Bush and Opec - Bush tried to convince Opec to raise production. Apparently this is the only thing he can think of after eight years of being in a position to move on any number of potential solutions to our energy problems. Too bad all that time holding hands with the king of Saudi Arabia didn't work. Apparently they put oil profits ahead of the best interests of America. Wow, how could Bush have seen that coming or understand such a mindset?

5. The American economy - Basically every economic indicator says were headed into a bad recession. But just two weeks ago Bush promised us we weren't headed into a recession. How could the world's greatest economic mind be wrong? Good thing this is his first mistake or I might lose faith in the guy.

6. Cheney in Mideast - Cheney heads to the mideast to meet with leaders in Saudi Arabia and other countries and discuss energy among other things. His national security adviser said he had a "rich agenda." No kidding.

7. Iran - The conservatives won another election hands down, even though most people disagree with their agenda. Wow, that is a totally different system than ours.

8. The Pope - The Pope said it's time for the violence in Iraq to stop. I imagine this call from the leader of the world's largest Christian denomination should end the violence in Iraq momentarily.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

Hillary's Experience Empowers Women

Washington - Hillary Clinton's use of her time in the White House in speeches and ads as evidence of her political experience has caused a strong reaction from women everywhere.

Gloria Steinem was one the first to speak out, "This is exactly what we wanted when we founded the feminist movement - for women to gain validity through their husbands experiences. Kudos to Hillary for proving a women's ability to make something of herself - by riding her husband's coat tails."

Laura Bush also spoke out, "I was with my husband for eight years in the white house and as a governor before that so I have almost as much experience as Hillary, I'm totally going to run for President. Seems I'm much more qualified to be in the White House than either Obama or McCain."

Sandy Green of Conneticut, whose husband is an astronaut, recently applied to lead a shuttle mission. "Obviously I've been involved in his life decisions, I've been there listening to him through all this. I must be qualified to command the space shuttle."

Julie Nicholson of Alabama also declared her new found experience, "My husband has been a heart surgeon for 30 years. I'm going to apply to the hospital's surgical team as well. Let's see if any other applicants can top my 30 years of helping my husband make decisions."

This new found discovery of the usefulness of vicarious experience is not only affecting women. Several of Elizabeth Taylor's ex husbands have recently began screening for lead actress roles in movies, citing their experience as great Hollywood actresses.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-03-05T19:23:00.000-05:00

Republicans Endorse Hillary

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination. The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-01-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

FDA Approves Soylent Green for Human Consumption

Washington - The FDA today declared Soylent Green and all similar products safe for human consumption. The decision was handed down without public debate and very little news coverage.

FDA spokesman Frank N. Fudes described the decision, "We have merely declared Soylent Green fit for human consumption, we haven't actually put it on the market. Therefore there's no need for public debate or a detailed examination of the issues involved by anyone. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, we'll just let a few years go by and without anyone knowing it, Soylent Green will be part of the food supply. That's the best way for this to work."

Following the Bush administration's highly successful strategy of working with industry and getting rid of regulation in favor of "voluntary compliance", big agro-business will quietly introduce Soylent Green into the food supply at a time they choose. Said industry spokesman Apac O. Lippse, "We realized the public might be uneasy with this, so the best thing to do is give them no say in the matter. Foods will not be labeled as to whether they contain Soylent Green or not, this will spare the public a lot of confusion and worry. People can be crazy, it's best to trust uncontrolled industry when it comes to the public health."

The announcement was greated with applause by all parties involved, including big agro-business, big food processing, big biogenetics firms, and politicians who get campaign contributions from all of them. The only dissenting voice was a barely audible shout which sounded vaguely like Charleton Heston.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2008-01-01T16:59:00.000-05:00

I wrote this parody in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite coffee shop.

Coffee
(To the tune of "Rockstar" by Nickelback.)

I'm through with standing in line
To clubs I'll never get in
It's like it's already finals
And I'm never gonna win
College hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

I want some fresh ground beans
From a place I've never been
In a mug that I can do backstrokes in
And a comfy chair big enough
for ten plus me
(So what you need?)

I'll need a caffeine buzz that's got no limit
In a big glass mug with espresso in it
Gonna get my mind working
At thirty times its normal speed

(Been there, done that)

I want a big notebook full of poetry
Gonna be a big writer someday you see
Somewhere between God and
Shakespeare is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name

Chorus:
Cause we all just want to drink good coffee
And sit at tiny tables drinking ground up beans
The buzz comes easy but it isn't cheap
We'll all stay wired cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hang out in the coffee shops
And just trade B.S. with the friends we got
Every wannabe scholar's gonna wind up there
Every burnt out poser with the unwashed hair

Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee(2x)

I wanna be smart like Hawking without Lou Gehrig's
Writing articles like academic bigwigs
Gonna get my club card punched
So I can get one drink for free
(I'll have a large mocha, on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass somewhat out of fashion
Get a big latte that cost a king's ransom
Gonna find a barista
That loves to foam my latte for me
(So how you gonna do it)
I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name
(chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee

I'm gonna drink those beans
That are dark and bolder
Gonna tell my parents to give up Folgers
I'll tell all my friends to spread the word out
Let's tell em no one should touch that Maxwell House
(Chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee
Hey, Hey, I wanna drink good coffee

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-12-06T17:16:00.000-05:00

How the Dinosaurs Died Out

The following excerpt is from the newly approved Science textbook for Texas school districts. It is based on Intelligent Design theory, which is completely different from creationism and researched using totally proven scientifical methods and stuff.

Three thousand years after the earth was created (In exactly the shape it is today.) God noticed an increase in wickedness. People began to pay attention to liberal cave drawings and turned from their Christian ways. (Since everyone was always Christian back then. And White. And spoke English.) Some wanted the wealthy to pay taxes. Others sinned by giving handouts to poor people, which only made them lazy. Others lived in harmony with nature, rather than raping and destroying it. All in all God had no choice but to destroy the wicked ones. So he sent a big flood. And if the poor people didn't get evacuated on the ark then it was their own darn fault and certainly not the government's place to help them.

Anyway, Noah (Who was white and spoke English and never immmigrated anywhere, at least not without the proper papers.) gathered all the animals on his ark, including all the Dinosaurs, who lived in harmony with people.

All went well for awhile, but then some of the Dinosaurs started practicing sodomy (Which they learned from liberal scrolls smuggled onto the Ark, because no one thinks of these things on their own.) Noah was fair and left them alone for awhile, because he knew God would smite them for being different.

But that was Noah's mistake. Once the Stegosaurus acted gay, the Brontosaurus, who'd never been gay before, thought "Wow, that looks like a tempting lifestyle, I'm totally going to be gay now." The previously devout Hadrosaurs saw this and suddenly started being gay too. Eventually all the dinosaurs, who'd never had a gay thought in their life before, couldn't resist the temptation of the gay lifestyle, which happens to ordinary heterosexuals, since no one is ever actually gay.

Noah tried to talk sense into the Dinosaurs, but they were corrupted beyond measure, even hosting a Judy Garland festival on the foredeck. The final straw came when a T-Rex came to Noah as the captain of the ship and asked to marry his partner, a previously butch, God-fearing, assault rifle owning Triceratops. This was too much, and Noah had the dinosaurs thrown overboard, where the great flood buried them in deep layers under all the other sediment of the flood, to show future archaeologists how they fell from God's grace. And that's the scientifical, historicalogical honest truth.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

RIP Kevin Dubrow 1955-2007

I just learned that Kevin Dubrow passed away. If you weren't a Heavy Metal fan in the 1980's (Although many claim to be now) he was the lead singer of Quiet Riot. While they were only big for a brief period of time their 1983 debut album "Metal Health" with the hit single "Cum on Feel the Noize" was the first heavy metal album to hit number one. They paved the way for the L.A. Metal explosion of the 1980s. So as a former headbanger I feel I should pour out a 40 oz of hairspray for my homie who ain't around no more. Instead I did this song parody based on one of their songs in tribute. Why...
...because I can.

Nostalgia
(To the tune of "Metal Health" by Quiet Riot)

While I'm a headbanger, teenager
Momma says that I'm in real danger
Got no brains, I'm insane
Teacher says that I'm one big pain
It was the 80's, we went crazy
Ronald Reagan said we were just lazy
I want it louder
More power
Blast Tipper Gore outta her ivory tower
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Well we're all aged
But not dated, critics say we were over-rated
Time has moved up and we're all grownup
Top 40 fans you have all been shown up
We got the voice to make the noise
Won't ever let up
Hope it annoys you
Join the pack
Feel the crack
We're all still here
There's no way back
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia will drive you crazy
Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia is what we all need
It's what we're all gonna have
Bang your head
Wake the dead
We're all metal mad
It's all you have
So bang your head
And raise the dead
Oh yeah!
Nostalgia
It's not too bad
Bad, bad
Oh let preachers see devils and witches oh
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Phil Collins fans are weak ass bitches, Rock on, Rock on, Rock on
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-19T23:22:00.001-05:00

The True Story of the Thanksgiving Turkey

Many historians claim that turkey was originally domesticated in the Americas and Eurasia had its first taste of the bird on the first Thanksgiving. This is actually patently false, as recent scholarship has shown.

The wild turkey (Predatoris Terriblus) has been found in archaeological digs in Central Asia dating back over 50,000 years. It is believed to have descended from an ancient missing link between dinosaurs and birds known as Magnus Illegitimus Asinus Avis (Big Ass Bastard of a Bird) which grew up to 30 feet in length and whose fossils are found throughout Siberia. It is believed that wild turkeys were first domesticated somewhere in Central Asia around 10,000 years ago, at first to help in hunting other game, as the Eurasian wild turkey was much more aggressive than its current domesticated descendants.

The first written sources for the domesticated turkey come from India, where invading Aryans from Central Asia are believed to have terrified the inhabitants of the Indus Valley with the ferocious birds. Depictions of vicious turkeys eating the eyeballs of their victims appear on cylinder seals throughout Harrapan archaeological sights. Perhaps more will be learned if the writing of this ancient culture is ever deciphered.

Written Hindu sources began mentioning the bird around the 3rd Century B.C.E. The most famous passage is in the Bhagavad Gita, which portrays Siva annihiliating his enemies by transforming himself into a ferocious bird with an odd appenage hanging from his beak. The mistranslation "Behold I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" is actually more like "Behold I am become the terrible bird of your nightmares, the destroyer of smaller birds the world over". The quote became famous when Oppenheimer reportedly mentioned it after the first atomic bomb test. In fact Oppenheimer was referring to the delicious turkey sandwich he had just eaten while awaiting the results of the test.

The turkey was a mythical bird for many nomadic warriors throughout Central Asia. The Osmanli, or Ottoman, Turks revered the bird and were reoportedly guided by a large turkey on their journey from Central Asia to the coasts of Asia Minor in the 12th Century. The legend has it that a giant bird rested upon the shores and spoke "Here shall all have refreshment and gain, and lyeth upon the footstools and couches and watcheth greate sporte." The Ottomans thus became famous for reclining on their couches and footstools, which they named after their royal dynasty.

Europeans on the other hand, feared the ferocious military power of the Turks, and began calling them by the fearsome birds which accompanied their armies, the Turkey. Ottoman sultans reportedly kept large flocks of turkeys which they used to hunt falcons. The Ottoman professional soldiers, the Janissaries, were reported to have huge flocks of heavily trained "Kamikaze turkeys" which flew into enemy firepits the night before the battle, being then roasted and eaten by their enemies, and lulling them into a deep slumber.

Europeans got their first taste of the bird in 1683, when the Ottomans besieged Vienna. When the siege was lifted by Austrian and Polish armies, they plundered the Ottoman camp and captured many of the strange birds. The people of Vienna reportedly ate the bird until they were "stuffed" thus starting a tradition of "stuffed" turkey which continues to this day.

The turkey was brought to the new world in the 18th century by Hungarian turkey herders who sought new lands to develop large ranches, as by this time Central Europe was out of good turkey grazing land. These Hungarian "turkeyboys" had limited success at first, but later immigrants learned to domesticate the still vicious bird and make it more docile, as well as less afraid of wild cranberries. Later American myth gave the origin of the turkey to Native Americans in order to give them something to cover up all the useful things they had stolen from them. Instead of gunpowder and the printing press, inventions of Cahokian and Aztec culture respectively, European historians rewrote the books. Thus Europe takes credit for introducing the printing press to the world, whereas Native Americans get a large bird, now flightless and docile.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-11-03T17:48:00.000-04:00

FAUX News Report - 1483

Spain - The Holy Inquisition seems poised to nominate Tomas de Torquemada for the post of Inquisitor General, despite his reluctance to discuss whether some interrogation techniques constitute torture. The Pope has stood by the nominee, calling him a "man of integrity who's been treated unfairly by the nominating committee"

The confirmation of Torquemada was almost derailed last week when one committee member asked him to describe the technique known as "Chinese Water Torture." Torquemada claimed to be unfamiliar with the practice. When the procedure, which simulates drowning, was explained to him, he refused to rule on whether it constitutes torture, stating, "I wouldn't want to condemn the torturers who do this to possible prosecution in the future. Not that the inquisition tortures, cause we totally don't."

With the possibility of a Papal election coming up, several cardinals hoping to run for office chimed in. Cardinal Jool L'Awnee stated, "We have to be tough on these criminals. We know they're criminals because they were arrested, governments don't make mistakes. Not that we torture, but we have to be able to torture these guys." Cardinal Myttrawm Nee stated his position, "Look, I would totally torture these guys worse than L'Awnee would, so I'm the only one who can protect you. Oh, and we don't torture."

A spokesman for the pope added the final word, "We don't torture, but we need these 'enhanced interrogation techniques' like the Chinese water torture. It's the only thing keeping you safe from your enemies. I'm sure history will show that the Spanish Inquisition did the right thing."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

2007-10-28T22:40:00.000-04:00

Bush Warns of Violence in Mideast

Washington - Without a trace of irony, pResident Bush today warned Turkey of the dangers of war in Iraq. Without so much as a smirk, Bush scolded the Turks, "Don't go rushing into war in Iraq without pondering the consequences. The Middle East can be a dangerous place to intervene and you have to be careful of what you're getting into. I urge caution and diplomacy here, not unilateral military action which could have broad consequences for your country and the entire region."

Vice pResident Dick Cheney then chimed in, displaying as keen a grasp of irony as Alanis Morrisette, "A military strike might sound good, but the real world isn't a Tom Clancy novel. Sure force sounds tough, decisive, but have you thought about the long term repercussions? What happens on day 2, day 3, day 40, three years from now? You have to think through all the possible outcomes, you have to have a plan for these contingencies. What's your exit strategy? You can't just go charging in like some cowboy, this is the Middle East for God's sake."

After the press conference, the pResident and Vice pResident then walked out of camera range before exploding into uncontrolled laughter. They then went to a planning meeting for the bombing of Iran.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-10-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Dumbeldore Denies Gay Rumors

London - In a rare public press conference, Albus Dumbeldore denied reports that he is gay. Author J.K. Rowlings recent claim that he is in fact a closeted homosexual led the beloved character of the Harry Potter series to speak out. "I'm totally not gay, don't believe what the media tells you, I was framed by that foolish woman Rowling, who's only trying to get attention. Muggle bitch set me up. I swear I am not and never have been gay."

Dumbledore's denial added to an ongoing controversy. The Ministry of Magic claims to have caught Dumbledore in innapropriate behavoir during an undercover operation in a Hogwarts laboratory. Dumbeldore responded, "That was entrapment, I just have a wide stance. I'm a British boarding schoolmaster, I have to spend a lot of time in the boys' lavatory, making sure they shower, dress, look nice, and punishing them when they're bad. There's nothing gay about that. If there was every upper class male in Britain would be suspect."

Dumbeldore was flanked by professor Macgonagle, who he claims to have had a secret long term relationship. Said Dumbeldore, "I totally love the ladies, always have. We're going back to my place right now to have man-woman sexual intercourse. With her vagina, which is so sexy to me. I'm so totally not gay, really."

The loudest response came from Evangelical leader Brains Gotnone of Farmisht on the Family, a conservative group. Dr. Gotnone stated, "We are really gonna boycott Harry Potter now, even more than we already do. This is double secret boycott. That'll show 'em."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

Bush Optimistic on Economy

Washington - pResident Bush today delivered an upeat forecast on the economy, assuring Americans that overall things were going great and the future looked bright. In a reasoned, objective assessment based on deep economic knowledge, the pResident assured Americans that they were in fact doing fine. Said the pResident, "I talked to everyone I know and no one is facing foreclosure, job loss or lack of health insurance. We're all very happy and secure."

The American public reacted with relief. Welder John Griffin of South Carolina, one of over a million families being thrown on the street this year reacted, "Thank God things are going good, I was getting worried about this mortgage thingie."

Shane Blodgett, who makes $9 dollars an hour part time at a mop factory, expressed relief, "I was worried about things, but the pResident assured us unemployment is pretty low. That made me feel secure."

Mary Johnson, a diabetic mother of four without health insurance, was also releived, "I sometimes worry about the future, but I saw the pResident on FOX and I know I don't need to worry or ever listen to some commie democrat who wants to destroy the best health care system on earth."

Trevor Lind, who makes $20,000 dollars a year and lives in a 30 year old trailer with a $100,000 mortgage says, "I know I can trust the pResident, he understands people like us, unlike those elite rich liberals. I'm going to retire next year and now I can forget about the economy and worry about the real danger I face in my life, like Mexican murderers, Iranian Mullahs and gay dudes getting married."

Economists themselves expressed surprise and relief. Said one New York stockbroker, "Whenever Bush speaks on the economy you never know what he's going to say. We were pleasantly surprised this time to hear him say things are going fine and we should stay the course. I think the lesson for all the people you quoted above is that things are going great and now is a really good time for them to invest more money in the stockmarket."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-15T16:04:00.000-04:00

Based on the legend of Rabbi Loew of Prague (1520-1609) who was believed to have created a Golem, a man made of clay used to protect the Jewish community. I was teaching about this in my Jewish History class this week, so I thought of this parody.

Why...
...because I can.

In the Ghetto
(To the tune of "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley)

As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
In the heart of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto
And the rabbi cries
'cause if theres one thing his people need
It's a protector who doesn't bleed
In the ghetto

People don't you understand
The Hebrews life was hard to stand
And they had to hope it would be better some day
Take a look at history
Are we too blind to see
That they couldn't fight themselves
Nor could they run away

Well the world turned
And all around Prague bad men they began to say
Beware of the man who's made of clay
In the ghetto

And his anger burns
So he starts to roam the streets at night
If there's a blood libel
Then he would unleash hell
In the ghetto

Then one night some mistakes were made
The golem did rampage
The Rabbi reaches in his mouth
He grabs the Shem and pulls it out
And the Rabbi cries

And the crowd hid him well in a lonely place
The legend says he'll return when danger's great
In the ghetto

As the fire dies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
Inside of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-09-10T19:40:00.001-04:00

FAUX News Report - 9 A.D.

Rome - The Roman Senate met today to hear the testimony of General Betraeus Maximus on the progress of the "surge" of Legions in the Germanic Regions. As expected, General Betraeus reported that the war against the barbarians is making great progress and the "surge" should be continued.

General Betraeus addressed the Senate, "We're making great progress in Germania. The war on Barbarianism is going great. If we pull out any troops now it will be really, really bad. This is totally my idea, and not the plan of our great, wise and all-knowing leader Emperor Augustus, who coincidentally wants us to keep our legions in Germania indefinitely. I always speak my mind, like when I published that scroll a few years ago just before the Emperor's appointment entitled, 'Everything's going great and Augustus is the greatest leader ever.'"

When asked about reports of heavy casualties, including three legions destroyed, the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if keeping legions in Germania distracted from the war against Persia the General replied, "This is totally part of the war against Persia, I think we should support the troops and not play politics. Just give me what I want, which just happens to be what Emperor Augustus wants and put aside your partisan politics. If you support the troops that is."

When asked if keeping half our legions in Germania indefinitely was really a new strategy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if having soldiers killed and wounded by roadside booby traps was really hurting the enemy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked what time it was, the general replied, "Why do you hate the troops? Oops, trick question, I wasn't prepared for that."

The Emperor's spokesman, Confusin Plebeians, commented, "Wow, we were really surprised, we had no idea what he was going to say. There's an independent assesment that just happens to totally support everything the Emperor ever said but is totally not 'stay the course.' If we just do what we've been doing we'll totally win the war against barbarians. I don't think we'll have any trouble from these 'Germans' for the next two thousand years."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-29T15:47:00.001-04:00

Republicans Come out of the Closet

Washington - In the wake of the Senator Larry Craig sex scandal, the Republican party announced today that it was in fact full of closeted gays. Hoping to avoid any future scandals by coming clean now, Republican spokesperson Dee Niall stated, "Yes, we're pretty much all gay here, can we just move on?"

Mr. Niall elaborated further, "Wasn't it obvious when we kept talking about people 'choosing' to be gay? No one thinks like that unless they've thought about 'choosing' it themselves. Especially in the crowds we run in, where there's a lot of penalties for coming out."

Republican pundit Selv Loathynge elaborated, "We had to be anti-gay to get votes and money, but didn't you notice it was always about sex? Who thinks about gay sex all the time? Us gays, that's who. When we kept warning of the 'temptations of the gay lifestyle' we knew what we were talking about. No real heterosexual could ever be 'tempted' by gay sex."

Senator Craig himself refused to apologize for his anti-gay marriage stance, "We honestly thought it was the right thing to do. So many of us have had succesful loveless sham marriages for years so we thought all gays should experience them. It worked for me, Ted Haggard and the rest of us and will in the future. My wife supports this lie and so do I."

The Republican party also vowed to continue it's position against gays in the military. Stated Mr. Niall, "Why should the best of us die in this war? We'll keep the gays and the sons of the wealthy and powerful safe here at home."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-27T16:13:00.000-04:00

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Why...
...because I can.

Lawyers Guns and Money
(To the tune of Warren Zevon's "Lawyers Guns and Money")

I was meddling in the Mideast
Just like I always do
How was I to know
That they hated us there too

About Sunnis, Kurds and Shiites
I just can't tell the diff
Send Lawyers, guns and money
Dad got me into this

I'm the innocent decider
Somehow I got stuck
Give more jobs to Halliburton
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck

Now I'm stalling with a troop surge
I'm a desparate man
Send Lawyers, guns and money
The Shiite's hit the fan

Send Lawyers, guns and money...

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-08-07T13:43:00.000-04:00

Barry Bonds' Drug Dealer Breaks Home Run Record

San Francisco - Barry Bonds' primary drug dealer broke the record for the most home runs today. The event was hailed as a landmark in the history of modern drug dealing.

Bonds' drug dealer took a modest tone as he spoke to reporters today,"Am I a hero? Maybe to some. But this isn't just about me, or even about drug dealers in general. This is about the game and all the little people that make it so great. I'm talking about the chemists and technicians in the labs around the country and around the world. We share in the passion for America's greatest pastime. Not just the big labs either, but the anonymous little sweatshop labs that never get the credit they deserve. And let's not forget the mules who move the drugs to where they need to be."

"Yes, in the end this is about the essence of the sport. An essence that can be distilled into distincT chemical properties, even to the very molecules themselves. Could people in the past do this? Could Babe Ruth with his cheap whiskey or Mickey Mantle with his weak beer? No, this is about the triumph of the human spirit over nature. Baseball is as American as Mom, Apple Pie, the unending quest for profit and several substances most athletes can't even pronounce, much less spell."

The record is expected to be contested before being entered in the Hall of Fame, mostly by the makers of competing chemicals.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-07-22T12:41:00.000-04:00

Inside Bush's Colon

The following is the official transcript of the medical conversation that occurred during Bush's July 21st colonoscopy:

Doctor #1: We're in, I think we did it.

Doctor #2: I don't see anything, this surgery may have been unnecessary.

Doctor #3: Quiet, do you know how much trouble we'll be in if anyone figures that out, just keep looking.

Doctor #1: I see something!

Doctor #2: That's just Tony Blair.

Doctor #3: Wait, there's something over there!

Doctor #1: That's his own head.

Doctor #2: Shouldn't we remove it?

Doctor #3: No, if you do that you've invalidated every one of his State of the Union Addresses.

Doctor #1: I don't think we're making any progress here, what do we do?

Doctor #2: Don't admit any mistakes, we could be in real trouble here.

Doctor #3: But what about the patient, what about ethics?

Doctor #1: What about our careers, that's the real issue here.

Doctor #2: I'll go on FAUX News and say we're still looking.

Doctor #1: I'll go on the other networks and say we're making good progress.

Doctor #3: I'll report to congress that we have several benchmarks to meet and we'll report in September.

Doctor #1: How about we blame the colon itself? Say we'll pull out when it's ready to stand on it's own?

Doctor #2: No one will buy that, we're the ones who initiated the surgery. We could try to scare everyone about how messy this'll be if we leave, tell them the polyps will follow us to our own colons.

Doctor #3: It's worth a shot, but what do we do in September when we still haven't accomplished anything?

Doctor #1: Claim we need just a little more time to show our progress.

Doctor #2:How long can we keep that charade up?

Doctor #3: Hopefully until the next election, then it becomes someone else's problem. Another team of doctors can take the blame for pulling out of here.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-07-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

New Iraq to be Created

Washington - The Iraq that only exists in Bush Administration press releases and on FOX News has voted to secede from the Iraq that exists in reality. The move is expected to create an entirely new country of progress that will be a shining example of hope and freedom to everyone.

The move was sponsored by the Administration and FOX News, which received a no bid contract to complete the job. FOX News spokesman Jo Gobles announced the plan, "We were having trouble finding the Iraq talked about in our reports anywhere on earth. It got harder and harder to reconcile our Iraq with the reality of the situation. So it became obvious that if the reality is against you, reality itself is biased and should be ignored completely."

Response from Iraqis has been ecstatic. One Baghdad shop owner, Offen Tar-Gettid, prepared to move his family to the new Iraq, "The militias killed my brother in front of me, I lost a daughter on the way to school, we want to move to the place where all this good news that the liberal media won't tell us about exists. This sounds like a paradise on earth to raise my children in."

American soldiers also expressed support for the new plan. One soldier, Pfc. Dayin Forralei commented, "I was confused for awhile. For four years everything my Commander in Chief said was about progress. At no time did he say things were getting worse. I was here in May 2003 and couldn't figure out how things got as bad as they are now. Now I know, and I would love to serve in this alternate reality which has had over four years of constant progress. Things must be great there."

The creation of the new Iraq is run by the office of the Vice President. When asked under what authority the Vice President could create a new reality, the V.P.'s office released this statement, "The office of the Vice President resides in an alternate reality. It is not answerable to the laws or legislature of this reality. That's how the Founding Fathers meant it to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-06-27T16:37:00.000-04:00

Cheney's Lullaby

Hush Little Congress

Hush little Congress, don't say a word
Dick Cheney's excuses are so absurd

Like a mobster in Sing-Sing
He ain't gonna tell no one anything

If the legislative branch asks
Cheney's executive privilege laughs

If privilege has limits
Cheney's gonna be legislative

If he's still accountable
Cheney's gonna hand you a load of bull

If that load of bull is dissed
Cheney's gonna call you a terrorist

If that excuse drops like rocks
Cheney's only gonna appear on FOX

If that FOX will just lay down
They'll be the sweetest network in this town

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2007-06-13T16:55:00.000-04:00

Sexy Potatoes

Boniface Bugle Productions is proud (or ashamed) to bring you the internet's hottest (and wierdest) new site:

Potato Fetish

2007-06-05T17:05:00.000-04:00

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Written after the millionth time I heard someone in the Bush administration talk of all the progress in Iraq. And dedicated to all FAUX News viewers.
Why...
...because I can.
Don't Worry, Be Happy
(To the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bob Marley)

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy

In every war there is some trouble
Just ignore it, live in a bubble
Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry be happy now
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry be happy
Ain't got no need to count the dead
Just keep those bad thoughts from your head
Don't worry, be happy

The general says the surge won't work
I say support the troops jerk
Don't worry (laugh) be happy

Look at me I'm happy
Don't worry, be happy

I give you FOX's station
When you're worried watch it
They make you happy

Don't worry, be happy

Ain't got no plans, ain't got no future
Ain't got got no problems doin' torture
But don't worry, be happy

Cause when you worry my polls go down
And people think that I'm a clown
So don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be happy now

Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy

Now there this song I wrote
I hope you learned it note for note
Like good little children

Don't worry, be happy

Listen to what I say
In this war there might be trouble
Just ignore it live in a bubble
Don't worry, be happy
Be happy now

Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry
Don't worry be happy
Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it
Be happy, put a smile on your face
Don't let facts bring you down like this

Don't worry, it will soon end, whenever that is
Don't worry, be happy
I'm not worried

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Right Absurd.

2007-05-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

Falwell Estate Scandal

Lynchburg - Scandal struck the Falwell family today when a secret will was discovered leaving most of his estate to Tinky-Winky the Teletubby.

Rumors that the Reverand Falwell had carried on a secret affair with the television star were vehemently denied by Falwell's family, which is contesting the will in court. Family spokesman Totle Biggit announced, "There was no affair. Reverand Falwell may have spent time with Tinky-Winky, but only to bring him the word of the Lord. He was always reaching out to media figures in an attempt to save them from evil influences. Whether it was weekend spiritual retreats in Key West with Tinky-Winky, going to Streisand concerts with Big Bird or watching gladiator movies with Bert and Ernie, Reverand Falwell did whatever it took to spread the good word."

Tinky-Winky himself only recently came forward with his tale of a secret and stormy affair, "Publicy he denied me three times before the cock crowed, but he always came crawling back with his endearing little "I don't know how to quit you.' He may have engaged in some verbal gay bashing, but secretly he hated all forms of gay bashing, unless you count all the times he tied me up and went at me with the cat-o-nine tails. Truly ours was the love that dare not speak its name."

When asked about some of the Reverand's more controversial comments, Tinky-Winky responded, "I know it sounds strange but deep down he was a kind person who felt horrible about the things he had to say publicly. He did it to keep his followers happy and the money rolling in. He didn't really think gays were responsible for 9-11, he knew it was all the fault of the Catholics and the Jews."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.