Congress Debates Heterosexuals in the Military

Washington - In a heated debate over the place of heterosexuals in the military, congress called some of the great leaders of history to testify:

Alexander the Great, conquerer of the ancient world, gave his testimony, "Absolutely not, there is no room for heterosexuals, they're bad for morale. Men need strong leadership and close companionship to bond during battle. I never lost a battle and I loved my men. All night long. Occasionally in the morning and at least once in the afternoon before the battle of Arbela. My heterosexual opponent Darius was a weak little bitch, I kicked his ass from the Bosphorous to Bactria."

Frederick the Great, the brilliant Prussian king and general, had a differing opinon, "I knew lots of straights in the military, they were all nice people. Some of my best friends were straight. And they fought for me just as well as anyone else. And boy could they sing and dance too. On the other hand, in my day not only were German troops victorious, they respected civilians. After me most German leaders were heterosexual, and look how that turned out."

Richard the Lionheart, English hero of the Crusades, spoke in defense of heterosexuals, "I fought both with and against some of those people, and they were strong and brave. My opponent Saladin was a hetero and he was honest and dare I say chivalrous. I think these people have earned the right to serve in the military as much as anyone else."

King James of England was among many who brought religious arguments to the debate, "When me and my 'hubby' the Duke of Brunswick were going over the proofs for my King James Bible, the most authoritative source, we were struck by the love and tolerance in Christianity. I think the Christian thing to do is spread love and tolerance to all people."

The British Navy also had a strong opinion, "Hetero boys in the navy, never! Bad for morale. We only need three things: Rum, Sodomy and the Lash. And we're not just talking about Charles' methods for disciplining the staff. Even movies about sailors are just a disco ball and a soundtrack away from being gay porn." The delegation then sang out loud, "And it's greatly to his credit; That he is an English man"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
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