Bush Says Iraq War Worthwhile

Washington - pResident Bush today gave another ridiculous, Orwellian, completely divorced from reality speech on Iraq. This time he claimed the Iraq war was definitely "worth it." The following are some excerpts from that speech:

"The war in Iraq has definitely been worth all the sacrifices and cost - for me. I have definitely benefitted from all the suffering and hardship this war has created. I got to be a war pResident and call my critics unpatriotic. I got to completely distract people from the fact that I failed to catch bin Laden. Heck, I even distracted them from the fact that all my reasons for going to war were false. I also got to use the war as an excuse to give tax cuts to the rich while racking up huge deficits because of the war. Even I don't follow the logic on that one"

"Of course it's not only me who benefitted. Halliburton and many other corrupt companies have made a fortune 'rebuilding' Iraq despite the fact that it's still a disaster area. We have to take their shareholders into account when we calculate the benefits of this war as well."

"And let's not forget Al Qaeda. In 2002 they were a small scared organization on the run. Because of Iraq they're a growing organization, with new recruits joining up because of this war every day. And because we're stuck in Iraq they're actually regaining ground in Afhanistan. You're welcome bin Laden. I don't know anything better we could have done to screw up the war against terror than invade and occupy a muslim country that had nothing to do with 9-11."

"And of course there's North Korea, Iran, Russia and Venezuela. Having our army stuck in Iraq was a green light to every tinpot dictator out there: make trouble, oppress your own people, get WMDs there's nothing the US can do about it. They heard the call and they're grateful for the opportunity."

"China is another big winner here. With our economy faltering and our debt growing, they've been able to basically take over our financial assets and our future. When we have to grovel to China throughout this century, I hope people remember to thank me for what I did, taking the world's strongest economy and turning it into a beggar."

"Lastly, let's not forget the humor writers. My administration has made so many obvious mistakes here I've given them material for years. From the John Stewarts and the Jay Lenos down to every idiot with a website who thinks they're funny but really isn't. Overall, yes this was worth it,can you imagine a world where none of this was true?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Random News Commentary for March 2008

Why...
...because I can.

1. China - Last week the Bush administration took China off its list of top human rights violators. This week China is shooting and arresting Tibetans all over the place. Good call Bush!

2. Geraldine Ferarro - She said Barack would not be where he was if he wasn't a black man. This is not only racist, but so stupid Dinesh D'Souza or Bill O'Reilly should have said it. Because there's so many black politicians. And Barack is the third black Senator since reconstruction. Yes, America loves all Black politicians. That's why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had such easy roads to the White House. It must be because Obama's black, rather than something about him. That's why Obama was polled as way behind Clinton until two months ago and has mostly been neck and neck with her ever since.

She also said he wouldn't be where he was today if he was a woman. Where is he today? A senator tied pretty closely with his rival for the nomination. Yes, no woman could do that. Nope, can't find any evidence of it. How does the fact that Hillary was the crowned leader last fall and now has been pretty much tied with Obama for months prove she's being discriminated against?

3. Other election news: Mississippi - Obama got the majority of the black vote and Hillary got the majority of the white vote. Basically the same results you would have had 100 years ago - if women or blacks had been allowed to vote. Great progress Mississippi!

4. Bush and Opec - Bush tried to convince Opec to raise production. Apparently this is the only thing he can think of after eight years of being in a position to move on any number of potential solutions to our energy problems. Too bad all that time holding hands with the king of Saudi Arabia didn't work. Apparently they put oil profits ahead of the best interests of America. Wow, how could Bush have seen that coming or understand such a mindset?

5. The American economy - Basically every economic indicator says were headed into a bad recession. But just two weeks ago Bush promised us we weren't headed into a recession. How could the world's greatest economic mind be wrong? Good thing this is his first mistake or I might lose faith in the guy.

6. Cheney in Mideast - Cheney heads to the mideast to meet with leaders in Saudi Arabia and other countries and discuss energy among other things. His national security adviser said he had a "rich agenda." No kidding.

7. Iran - The conservatives won another election hands down, even though most people disagree with their agenda. Wow, that is a totally different system than ours.

8. The Pope - The Pope said it's time for the violence in Iraq to stop. I imagine this call from the leader of the world's largest Christian denomination should end the violence in Iraq momentarily.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Hillary's Experience Empowers Women

Washington - Hillary Clinton's use of her time in the White House in speeches and ads as evidence of her political experience has caused a strong reaction from women everywhere.

Gloria Steinem was one the first to speak out, "This is exactly what we wanted when we founded the feminist movement - for women to gain validity through their husbands experiences. Kudos to Hillary for proving a women's ability to make something of herself - by riding her husband's coat tails."

Laura Bush also spoke out, "I was with my husband for eight years in the white house and as a governor before that so I have almost as much experience as Hillary, I'm totally going to run for President. Seems I'm much more qualified to be in the White House than either Obama or McCain."

Sandy Green of Conneticut, whose husband is an astronaut, recently applied to lead a shuttle mission. "Obviously I've been involved in his life decisions, I've been there listening to him through all this. I must be qualified to command the space shuttle."

Julie Nicholson of Alabama also declared her new found experience, "My husband has been a heart surgeon for 30 years. I'm going to apply to the hospital's surgical team as well. Let's see if any other applicants can top my 30 years of helping my husband make decisions."

This new found discovery of the usefulness of vicarious experience is not only affecting women. Several of Elizabeth Taylor's ex husbands have recently began screening for lead actress roles in movies, citing their experience as great Hollywood actresses.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Republicans Endorse Hillary

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination. The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.