FDA Approves Soylent Green for Human Consumption

Washington - The FDA today declared Soylent Green and all similar products safe for human consumption. The decision was handed down without public debate and very little news coverage.

FDA spokesman Frank N. Fudes described the decision, "We have merely declared Soylent Green fit for human consumption, we haven't actually put it on the market. Therefore there's no need for public debate or a detailed examination of the issues involved by anyone. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, we'll just let a few years go by and without anyone knowing it, Soylent Green will be part of the food supply. That's the best way for this to work."

Following the Bush administration's highly successful strategy of working with industry and getting rid of regulation in favor of "voluntary compliance", big agro-business will quietly introduce Soylent Green into the food supply at a time they choose. Said industry spokesman Apac O. Lippse, "We realized the public might be uneasy with this, so the best thing to do is give them no say in the matter. Foods will not be labeled as to whether they contain Soylent Green or not, this will spare the public a lot of confusion and worry. People can be crazy, it's best to trust uncontrolled industry when it comes to the public health."

The announcement was greated with applause by all parties involved, including big agro-business, big food processing, big biogenetics firms, and politicians who get campaign contributions from all of them. The only dissenting voice was a barely audible shout which sounded vaguely like Charleton Heston.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

I wrote this parody in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite coffee shop.

Coffee
(To the tune of "Rockstar" by Nickelback.)



I'm through with standing in line
To clubs I'll never get in
It's like it's already finals
And I'm never gonna win
College hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be

(Tell me what you want)

I want some fresh ground beans
From a place I've never been
In a mug that I can do backstrokes in
And a comfy chair big enough
for ten plus me
(So what you need?)

I'll need a caffeine buzz that's got no limit
In a big glass mug with espresso in it
Gonna get my mind working
At thirty times its normal speed

(Been there, done that)

I want a big notebook full of poetry
Gonna be a big writer someday you see
Somewhere between God and
Shakespeare is fine for me

(So how you gonna do it?)


I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name

Chorus:
Cause we all just want to drink good coffee
And sit at tiny tables drinking ground up beans
The buzz comes easy but it isn't cheap
We'll all stay wired cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hang out in the coffee shops
And just trade B.S. with the friends we got
Every wannabe scholar's gonna wind up there
Every burnt out poser with the unwashed hair

Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee(2x)

I wanna be smart like Hawking without Lou Gehrig's
Writing articles like academic bigwigs
Gonna get my club card punched
So I can get one drink for free
(I'll have a large mocha, on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass somewhat out of fashion
Get a big latte that cost a king's ransom
Gonna find a barista
That loves to foam my latte for me
(So how you gonna do it)
I'm gonna give up drinks that all taste the same
I'll even drink some stuff that I can't name
(chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee

I'm gonna drink those beans
That are dark and bolder
Gonna tell my parents to give up Folgers
I'll tell all my friends to spread the word out
Let's tell em no one should touch that Maxwell House
(Chorus)

And we'll hide out in the smoking room
With the latest dictionary and and ipod too
They'll serve you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got Juan Valdez on speed dial
Hey, hey, I wanna drink good coffee
Hey, Hey, I wanna drink good coffee

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.