Republicans Endorse Hillary

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination. The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
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