Bush Warns of Violence in Mideast

Washington - Without a trace of irony, pResident Bush today warned Turkey of the dangers of war in Iraq. Without so much as a smirk, Bush scolded the Turks, "Don't go rushing into war in Iraq without pondering the consequences. The Middle East can be a dangerous place to intervene and you have to be careful of what you're getting into. I urge caution and diplomacy here, not unilateral military action which could have broad consequences for your country and the entire region."

Vice pResident Dick Cheney then chimed in, displaying as keen a grasp of irony as Alanis Morrisette, "A military strike might sound good, but the real world isn't a Tom Clancy novel. Sure force sounds tough, decisive, but have you thought about the long term repercussions? What happens on day 2, day 3, day 40, three years from now? You have to think through all the possible outcomes, you have to have a plan for these contingencies. What's your exit strategy? You can't just go charging in like some cowboy, this is the Middle East for God's sake."

After the press conference, the pResident and Vice pResident then walked out of camera range before exploding into uncontrolled laughter. They then went to a planning meeting for the bombing of Iran.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Dumbeldore Denies Gay Rumors

London - In a rare public press conference, Albus Dumbeldore denied reports that he is gay. Author J.K. Rowlings recent claim that he is in fact a closeted homosexual led the beloved character of the Harry Potter series to speak out. "I'm totally not gay, don't believe what the media tells you, I was framed by that foolish woman Rowling, who's only trying to get attention. Muggle bitch set me up. I swear I am not and never have been gay."

Dumbledore's denial added to an ongoing controversy. The Ministry of Magic claims to have caught Dumbledore in innapropriate behavoir during an undercover operation in a Hogwarts laboratory. Dumbeldore responded, "That was entrapment, I just have a wide stance. I'm a British boarding schoolmaster, I have to spend a lot of time in the boys' lavatory, making sure they shower, dress, look nice, and punishing them when they're bad. There's nothing gay about that. If there was every upper class male in Britain would be suspect."

Dumbeldore was flanked by professor Macgonagle, who he claims to have had a secret long term relationship. Said Dumbeldore, "I totally love the ladies, always have. We're going back to my place right now to have man-woman sexual intercourse. With her vagina, which is so sexy to me. I'm so totally not gay, really."



The loudest response came from Evangelical leader Brains Gotnone of Farmisht on the Family, a conservative group. Dr. Gotnone stated, "We are really gonna boycott Harry Potter now, even more than we already do. This is double secret boycott. That'll show 'em."


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.