Bush Optimistic on Economy

Washington - pResident Bush today delivered an upeat forecast on the economy, assuring Americans that overall things were going great and the future looked bright. In a reasoned, objective assessment based on deep economic knowledge, the pResident assured Americans that they were in fact doing fine. Said the pResident, "I talked to everyone I know and no one is facing foreclosure, job loss or lack of health insurance. We're all very happy and secure."

The American public reacted with relief. Welder John Griffin of South Carolina, one of over a million families being thrown on the street this year reacted, "Thank God things are going good, I was getting worried about this mortgage thingie."

Shane Blodgett, who makes $9 dollars an hour part time at a mop factory, expressed relief, "I was worried about things, but the pResident assured us unemployment is pretty low. That made me feel secure."

Mary Johnson, a diabetic mother of four without health insurance, was also releived, "I sometimes worry about the future, but I saw the pResident on FOX and I know I don't need to worry or ever listen to some commie democrat who wants to destroy the best health care system on earth."

Trevor Lind, who makes $20,000 dollars a year and lives in a 30 year old trailer with a $100,000 mortgage says, "I know I can trust the pResident, he understands people like us, unlike those elite rich liberals. I'm going to retire next year and now I can forget about the economy and worry about the real danger I face in my life, like Mexican murderers, Iranian Mullahs and gay dudes getting married."

Economists themselves expressed surprise and relief. Said one New York stockbroker, "Whenever Bush speaks on the economy you never know what he's going to say. We were pleasantly surprised this time to hear him say things are going fine and we should stay the course. I think the lesson for all the people you quoted above is that things are going great and now is a really good time for them to invest more money in the stockmarket."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Based on the legend of Rabbi Loew of Prague (1520-1609) who was believed to have created a Golem, a man made of clay used to protect the Jewish community. I was teaching about this in my Jewish History class this week, so I thought of this parody.

Why...
...because I can.

In the Ghetto
(To the tune of "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley)

As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
In the heart of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto
And the rabbi cries
'cause if theres one thing his people need
It's a protector who doesn't bleed
In the ghetto

People don't you understand
The Hebrews life was hard to stand
And they had to hope it would be better some day
Take a look at history
Are we too blind to see
That they couldn't fight themselves
Nor could they run away

Well the world turned
And all around Prague bad men they began to say
Beware of the man who's made of clay
In the ghetto

And his anger burns
So he starts to roam the streets at night
If there's a blood libel
Then he would unleash hell
In the ghetto

Then one night some mistakes were made
The golem did rampage
The Rabbi reaches in his mouth
He grabs the Shem and pulls it out
And the Rabbi cries

And the crowd hid him well in a lonely place
The legend says he'll return when danger's great
In the ghetto

As the fire dies
On a cold and gray Bohemian morn
Inside of Prague a golem is born
In the ghetto

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FAUX News Report - 9 A.D.

Rome - The Roman Senate met today to hear the testimony of General Betraeus Maximus on the progress of the "surge" of Legions in the Germanic Regions. As expected, General Betraeus reported that the war against the barbarians is making great progress and the "surge" should be continued.

General Betraeus addressed the Senate, "We're making great progress in Germania. The war on Barbarianism is going great. If we pull out any troops now it will be really, really bad. This is totally my idea, and not the plan of our great, wise and all-knowing leader Emperor Augustus, who coincidentally wants us to keep our legions in Germania indefinitely. I always speak my mind, like when I published that scroll a few years ago just before the Emperor's appointment entitled, 'Everything's going great and Augustus is the greatest leader ever.'"

When asked about reports of heavy casualties, including three legions destroyed, the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if keeping legions in Germania distracted from the war against Persia the General replied, "This is totally part of the war against Persia, I think we should support the troops and not play politics. Just give me what I want, which just happens to be what Emperor Augustus wants and put aside your partisan politics. If you support the troops that is."

When asked if keeping half our legions in Germania indefinitely was really a new strategy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if having soldiers killed and wounded by roadside booby traps was really hurting the enemy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked what time it was, the general replied, "Why do you hate the troops? Oops, trick question, I wasn't prepared for that."

The Emperor's spokesman, Confusin Plebeians, commented, "Wow, we were really surprised, we had no idea what he was going to say. There's an independent assesment that just happens to totally support everything the Emperor ever said but is totally not 'stay the course.' If we just do what we've been doing we'll totally win the war against barbarians. I don't think we'll have any trouble from these 'Germans' for the next two thousand years."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.