Republicans Come out of the Closet

Washington - In the wake of the Senator Larry Craig sex scandal, the Republican party announced today that it was in fact full of closeted gays. Hoping to avoid any future scandals by coming clean now, Republican spokesperson Dee Niall stated, "Yes, we're pretty much all gay here, can we just move on?"

Mr. Niall elaborated further, "Wasn't it obvious when we kept talking about people 'choosing' to be gay? No one thinks like that unless they've thought about 'choosing' it themselves. Especially in the crowds we run in, where there's a lot of penalties for coming out."

Republican pundit Selv Loathynge elaborated, "We had to be anti-gay to get votes and money, but didn't you notice it was always about sex? Who thinks about gay sex all the time? Us gays, that's who. When we kept warning of the 'temptations of the gay lifestyle' we knew what we were talking about. No real heterosexual could ever be 'tempted' by gay sex."

Senator Craig himself refused to apologize for his anti-gay marriage stance, "We honestly thought it was the right thing to do. So many of us have had succesful loveless sham marriages for years so we thought all gays should experience them. It worked for me, Ted Haggard and the rest of us and will in the future. My wife supports this lie and so do I."

The Republican party also vowed to continue it's position against gays in the military. Stated Mr. Niall, "Why should the best of us die in this war? We'll keep the gays and the sons of the wealthy and powerful safe here at home."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Lawyers, Guns and Money

Why...
...because I can.

Lawyers Guns and Money
(To the tune of Warren Zevon's "Lawyers Guns and Money")

I was meddling in the Mideast
Just like I always do
How was I to know
That they hated us there too

About Sunnis, Kurds and Shiites
I just can't tell the diff
Send Lawyers, guns and money
Dad got me into this

I'm the innocent decider
Somehow I got stuck
Give more jobs to Halliburton
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck
And we'll still make a buck

Now I'm stalling with a troop surge
I'm a desparate man
Send Lawyers, guns and money
The Shiite's hit the fan

Send Lawyers, guns and money...

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Barry Bonds' Drug Dealer Breaks Home Run Record

San Francisco - Barry Bonds' primary drug dealer broke the record for the most home runs today. The event was hailed as a landmark in the history of modern drug dealing.

Bonds' drug dealer took a modest tone as he spoke to reporters today,"Am I a hero? Maybe to some. But this isn't just about me, or even about drug dealers in general. This is about the game and all the little people that make it so great. I'm talking about the chemists and technicians in the labs around the country and around the world. We share in the passion for America's greatest pastime. Not just the big labs either, but the anonymous little sweatshop labs that never get the credit they deserve. And let's not forget the mules who move the drugs to where they need to be."

"Yes, in the end this is about the essence of the sport. An essence that can be distilled into distincT chemical properties, even to the very molecules themselves. Could people in the past do this? Could Babe Ruth with his cheap whiskey or Mickey Mantle with his weak beer? No, this is about the triumph of the human spirit over nature. Baseball is as American as Mom, Apple Pie, the unending quest for profit and several substances most athletes can't even pronounce, much less spell."

The record is expected to be contested before being entered in the Hall of Fame, mostly by the makers of competing chemicals.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.