Inside Bush's Colon

The following is the official transcript of the medical conversation that occurred during Bush's July 21st colonoscopy:

Doctor #1: We're in, I think we did it.

Doctor #2: I don't see anything, this surgery may have been unnecessary.

Doctor #3: Quiet, do you know how much trouble we'll be in if anyone figures that out, just keep looking.

Doctor #1: I see something!

Doctor #2: That's just Tony Blair.

Doctor #3: Wait, there's something over there!

Doctor #1: That's his own head.

Doctor #2: Shouldn't we remove it?

Doctor #3: No, if you do that you've invalidated every one of his State of the Union Addresses.

Doctor #1: I don't think we're making any progress here, what do we do?

Doctor #2: Don't admit any mistakes, we could be in real trouble here.

Doctor #3: But what about the patient, what about ethics?

Doctor #1: What about our careers, that's the real issue here.

Doctor #2: I'll go on FAUX News and say we're still looking.

Doctor #1: I'll go on the other networks and say we're making good progress.

Doctor #3: I'll report to congress that we have several benchmarks to meet and we'll report in September.

Doctor #1: How about we blame the colon itself? Say we'll pull out when it's ready to stand on it's own?

Doctor #2: No one will buy that, we're the ones who initiated the surgery. We could try to scare everyone about how messy this'll be if we leave, tell them the polyps will follow us to our own colons.

Doctor #3: It's worth a shot, but what do we do in September when we still haven't accomplished anything?

Doctor #1: Claim we need just a little more time to show our progress.

Doctor #2:How long can we keep that charade up?

Doctor #3: Hopefully until the next election, then it becomes someone else's problem. Another team of doctors can take the blame for pulling out of here.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

New Iraq to be Created

Washington - The Iraq that only exists in Bush Administration press releases and on FOX News has voted to secede from the Iraq that exists in reality. The move is expected to create an entirely new country of progress that will be a shining example of hope and freedom to everyone.

The move was sponsored by the Administration and FOX News, which received a no bid contract to complete the job. FOX News spokesman Jo Gobles announced the plan, "We were having trouble finding the Iraq talked about in our reports anywhere on earth. It got harder and harder to reconcile our Iraq with the reality of the situation. So it became obvious that if the reality is against you, reality itself is biased and should be ignored completely."

Response from Iraqis has been ecstatic. One Baghdad shop owner, Offen Tar-Gettid, prepared to move his family to the new Iraq, "The militias killed my brother in front of me, I lost a daughter on the way to school, we want to move to the place where all this good news that the liberal media won't tell us about exists. This sounds like a paradise on earth to raise my children in."

American soldiers also expressed support for the new plan. One soldier, Pfc. Dayin Forralei commented, "I was confused for awhile. For four years everything my Commander in Chief said was about progress. At no time did he say things were getting worse. I was here in May 2003 and couldn't figure out how things got as bad as they are now. Now I know, and I would love to serve in this alternate reality which has had over four years of constant progress. Things must be great there."

The creation of the new Iraq is run by the office of the Vice President. When asked under what authority the Vice President could create a new reality, the V.P.'s office released this statement, "The office of the Vice President resides in an alternate reality. It is not answerable to the laws or legislature of this reality. That's how the Founding Fathers meant it to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.