Falwell Estate Scandal

Lynchburg - Scandal struck the Falwell family today when a secret will was discovered leaving most of his estate to Tinky-Winky the Teletubby.

Rumors that the Reverand Falwell had carried on a secret affair with the television star were vehemently denied by Falwell's family, which is contesting the will in court. Family spokesman Totle Biggit announced, "There was no affair. Reverand Falwell may have spent time with Tinky-Winky, but only to bring him the word of the Lord. He was always reaching out to media figures in an attempt to save them from evil influences. Whether it was weekend spiritual retreats in Key West with Tinky-Winky, going to Streisand concerts with Big Bird or watching gladiator movies with Bert and Ernie, Reverand Falwell did whatever it took to spread the good word."

Tinky-Winky himself only recently came forward with his tale of a secret and stormy affair, "Publicy he denied me three times before the cock crowed, but he always came crawling back with his endearing little "I don't know how to quit you.' He may have engaged in some verbal gay bashing, but secretly he hated all forms of gay bashing, unless you count all the times he tied me up and went at me with the cat-o-nine tails. Truly ours was the love that dare not speak its name."

When asked about some of the Reverand's more controversial comments, Tinky-Winky responded, "I know it sounds strange but deep down he was a kind person who felt horrible about the things he had to say publicly. He did it to keep his followers happy and the money rolling in. He didn't really think gays were responsible for 9-11, he knew it was all the fault of the Catholics and the Jews."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush and Cheney to be Deployed to Iraq

Washington - The Pentagon announced today that due to the shortage of troops caused by the surge, pResident Bush and Vice pResident Dick Cheney would be deployed as soldiers to Iraq.

The rationale for the shocking move was apparently twofold. As more soldiers were needed, old records were combed and it was discovered that the pResident never showed up for all assigned duties during his time in the National Guard, a failure that would be unnacceptable today. Thus he still owes his country service. As for the Vice pResident, his draft board decided that his use of five deferments because he "had other priorities" was just silly.

pResident Bush was rather upbeat as he prepared to depart, "Vietnam was a different time, using my Daddy's influence to get a cushy position and then not showing up because I was high on cocaine was OK then, but unnacceptable now. I'm asking for great sacrifices from our all-volunteer military, keeping them longer and deploying them more. I call on all of the 28% of us who still think this war is a good idea to join me. Supporting the troops isn't about putting a sticker on your SUV or whining on the internet. I just couldn't be one of those worthless hypocrites anymore."

Vice pResident Dick Cheney was also upbeat, "I'm not worried one bit. For four years we've been telling everyone that we're making great progress and the media doesn't report all the good news. If one-tenth of that B.S. is true, this should just be a great vacation in a lovely wonderland called Iraq."

When asked about the leadership of the country during the absence of the top two officials, White House spokesman Tony Snow commented, "We already hired a puppeteer and two sock puppets to say 'stay the course' and 'the media doesn't report all the good news' over and over. We don't think anyone will notice the difference."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.