An Ode to a Coffe Shop

(Written in honor of Espresso Royale, my favorite local coffee shop.)

Expresso Man
(To the tune of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

It's nine o'clock on a Wendesday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's a young man right in front of me
Can't decide what he is orderin'
He says, son can you make me a coffee drink
I'm not really sure what it's called
But it's hot and it's sweet and I'm sure it sounds neat
Whether Grande or Venti or Tall
Da da da de de da
da da de de da da da
Pour us a drink you're expresso man
Pour us a drink tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a pick me up
It's the one thing that makes us feel right
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
I give him his drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke while you run out and smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says Bill I believe this is killing me
And he shook as he went on to say
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could stay sober all day
Pour us a drink you're expresso man
Pour us a drink tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a pick me up
It's the one thing that makes us feel right
Well Paul is a gamer and Star Trek fan
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talking with that fool, who's going to grad school
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is always embezzling
And the grad students always are stoned
Yes they're sharing a drink called self importance
But it's better than drinking alone
It's a pretty good crowd for a Wednesday
And the manager gives me a smile
Cause he knows that it's me who's been pushing the tea
And forgot about tips for awhile
And the professors sound way too arrogant
The undergrads smell like stale beer
And they come by the bar and ignore my tip jar
And say "Man, what are you doing here"
Da da da de de da
da da de de da da da
Pour us a drink you're expresso man

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Republicans Reject Global Moving
Washington - The debate over global moving reached a new fervor today, with many prominent republicans arguing that the earth is in fact stationary and the sun revolves around it.

Bill O'Reilly declared the whole idea of global moving "a crazy liberal conspiracy." Rush Limbaugh weighed in, stating, "It's obvious that all the scientists in the world have gotten together and decided to make all their data tell a big lie. That makes perfect sense."

James Dobson released a statement, "There's no mention of the earth moving in my Bible, and that's all the science I need. Society went downhill once Galileo started this crazy conspiracy. Modern science is evil and we don't need it at all. Oh, excuse me a minute, I have to take a satellite phone call from Tahiti about this great vacation rate I found on the internet."

pResident Bush refused to take sides, merely stating, "It seems there's two sides to this theory of the earth moving. One has every credible scientist on earth on its side and the other has a couple of loudmouths on the internet. I say we should teach the controversy."

The White House science director released this statement, "Global Moving is a myth, it's been totally proven, just look at the blogosphere and wikipedia, all the facts are in. We need to get this country back to some old fashioned values, like superstition and ignorance. That's how great powers are made and kept. The future will be bright once we get rid of science and education and drag this country kicking and screaming into the 16th century."

In a related note, the Taliban has reported that despite other differences, they wholeheartedly approve of the Republican approach to science and religion.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FAUX News Report - 1876

Fort Potemkin, Dakota Territory - A Congressional delegation led by outspoken senator Gawn Insain visited the marketplace in this fort today to report that great progress is being made despite reports of ongoing violence.

Speaking to reporters, Senator Insain insisted there is a lot of good news here, "I supported General Custer's surge of troops into the Little Big Horn and we can see the progress made already. The media have only been reporting the bad news, but we can see how great things are going here. This marketplace is just like a market in Indiana."

When reporters pointed out that the market was in fact inside a fort defended by several hundred soldiers Senator Insain got angry, "There you go again with your totally biased questions. Why do you all hate America?"

When asked whether it was justified in the first place to send soldiers to slaughter the Indians and take their land Senator Insain responded, "I support the troops, why don't you?"

When a reporter mentioned that in fact General Custer and all his men were slaughtered at the Little Big Horn Senator Insain responded, "That's just the media's liberal bias. You have to support the troops, I support the troops. I believe we're making great progress, and the Little Big Horn will be remembered as Custer's Great Progress. Remember I said that when I run for President."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.