Iran Blamed for Violence in Mideast

Washington - pResident Bush blamed Iran for violence in the Middle East today - while keeping a straight face. "Iran is responsible for the horrible situation our troops find themselves in." said Mr. Bush, while barely suppressing a smirk, "We have to place the blame where it truly belongs, on Iran."

Chuckling softly to himself, the pResident then went on with his 119th excuse for the debacle in Iraq, "We need to keep sending troops to punish Iran for attacking our troops which we sent to Iraq. It all makes sense, this war was necessary and a good idea"

A red-faced pResident then managed to sputter out between guffaws, "Iran is shamelessly exporting and supporting violence in the Middle East. They should stay within their borders and mind their own business, not interfere with anything in Iraq, no matter what. There's just never a good excuse for that." When asked how Shiite Iran could be responsible for an insurgency which is predominantly Sunni the pResident just lost it, "Oh god, I can't do this anymore, stop it man, you're killing me." He then retreated from the room with a group of aides, laughing heartily the whole way.

Whitewash Spokesman Orr Wellian then stepped up to close the press conference by holding up a shiny pocket watch which he swung back and forth, speaking slowly, "The pResident has just explained the situation in Iraq. It's not about WMD's, he never said that. It's not about 9/11, he never said that. It's not about the path to victory, he never said that. It's not about attracting Al-Qaeda to Iraq, he never said that. It's not about stay the course, he never said that. It's not about spreading Democracy, he never said that. It's not about Islamo-fascism, he never said that. It's about Iran and how evil they are. Iran is bad, you hate Iran. Repeat after me. Iran is bad, you hate Iran. War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

More Players to be Sent to Superbowl

Chicago mayor Richard Daley announced today that he was going to send more players into the superbowl to ensure the Bears victory. While many commentators declared a Colts victory at the end of the fourth quarter, the Mayor has declared that a Bears victory was still possible.

Speaking to reporters, Mayor Daley defended his plan, "The problem is the media only reports the bad news, the score and stuff like that. The truth is the Bears have fought hard and made alot of progress. I'll admit it hasn't all gone according to plan, but if we send a 'surge' of players onto the field in coming days I believe we can still pull this one off. The consequences of a Bears defeat are too horrible to mention. We could have rioting in Indianapolis and Chicago. Do my critics want to be responsible for that. Do they hate Chicago? Why won't they support our players?"

The Mayor's critics defended their stance, "We love this city and our players, but the fact is we lost and the players don't need to suffer any more needless pain. The score is obvious, no one can deny the truth staring you in the face. You'd have to be a medically certifiable moron to do that."

Mayor Daley responded, "No, we haven't lost, we have a strategy for victory. Coach Lovie Smith opposes my plan for victory, so I'm replacing him with a trusted yes man. We're going to clear the benches and locker rooms and send a 'surge' of players onto the field. This is the best plan my best minds have come up with. It can't fail."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.