The Little Dutch Boy (revised)

Once upon a time in Holland, there lived a little Dutch boy named George. One day as George was walking along the dyke, George spotted a leak. After stopping to ponder his pet goat back home for a while, George sprung into action. He grabbed one of the poor boys from the village and had him stick his finger in the dyke.

Then George went and told his old family friend, Mr. Fox. Mr. Fox saw this as a great opportunity for George, so he told everyone how brave and strong George had been in saving the village from danger. And everyone praised George for the wonderful job he did protecting the village.


George liked all the praise he got for being such a hero. For months afterwards he got to do whatever he wanted in the village. But after awhile people started to forget about it all and George didn't like that one bit. So he started warning people how dangerous the dykes could be. This got peoples' interest. But that wasn't enough for George, so one night he went out and drilled another hole in the dyke.

The next day George sent one of the poor boys from the village to plug that hole. For awhile it was just like before, with Mr. Fox telling everyone how brave and strong George was in accomplishing the mission of saving the village. But then the hole started to get bigger. Pretty soon George had to send lots of poor boys to plug the hole. But it kept getting bigger and some of the boys drowned from the water and mudslides. So George sent more boys from the village.

Some people started to criticize George, saying things were getting worse and that too many boys had been sent to their deaths. Mr. Katz said George was making a big mistake. Mr. Fox helped out by calling him "defeato-Katz". This made some people laugh and was really very clever.

The people who listened to Mr. Fox knew things were going fine and they were making progress every day. But some people in the village weren't happy at all about the poor boys who were being sent into the hole that was getting worse. So they had a village election and voted to end the horrible situation with the dyke.

George was shocked at the decision of the village, but he said he understood the message. He met with the wealthiest people in town, the ones who never sent their sons to go into the hole. Even they said things weren't going well. Some said evacuate to higher ground now. Some said try better building materials. Some said they could distract everyone by drilling another hole in the dyke behind the windmill, which they always worried about.

But George didn't listen to any of them. He found more poor boys willing to go into the hole and he sent them surging in. Then Mr. Fox warned everyone that it would be disaster if they ever pulled the boys out of the hole. Meantime the hole kept getting bigger, but alot of people quit complaining, because they didn't want anything bad to happen.

In the end the hole burst anyway, and it was a disaster. In the meantime George had also neglected the first hole, and it burst as well. But George wasn't bothered by any of it, because by then he had moved on to higher ground and it was someone else's problem.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

State of the Union Address - Translated

The following is a multiple translation of the pResident's State of the Union Address:

1. What Democrats heard:
Oh God, we're so screwed. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket and I have no idea what to do. How will I get through the next two years and dump all this on someone else.

2. What FOX News viewers heard:
Things are going great. Everything's fine. We found lots of WMD's in Iraq like I promised and we got that Saddam guy who attacked us on 9-11. OK there's been a few hiccups of late, but we're definitely headed for victory. Just a few more troops and we'll win this thing.

3. What evangelical Christians heard:
I am God's annointed one on earth. Everything I do is his will and has his blessing. If you oppose me you oppose God's plan, so just keep smiling.

4. What the wealthy heard:
Don't worry, whatever happens I'll take care of you. And you know I don't mean any of that oil conservation stuff.

5. What the uninsured heard:
If you lazy bastards would just get off your ass and buy health insurance everything will be fine.

6. What people in the Middle East heard:
I don't understand anything about you. You all hate freedom right? Or do you want more freedom? We're sending more troops to kill you all. Or to help you all get freedom, which I think you want, or hate.

7. What soldiers heard:
How sweet and honorable it is do die for my mistakes.

8. What Nancy Pelosi heard:
Good luck dealing with all this - sucker!

9. What Republicans heard:
You're all stuck with me now. We wet our bed and now we have to lie in it.

10. What Bush was thinking:
Oh God, we're so screwed. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket and I have no idea what to do. How will I get through the next two years and dump all this on someone else.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush to Deploy More US Troops

Washington - pResident Bush announced his new plan to greatly increase the number of US troops deployed to cemeteries in the coming months. The White House refers to the plan as a "surge" and not an escalation of American casualties, but the effect on the military will be pretty much the same.

pResident Bush announced the plan on national television today, "The American people sent a message in November, and I got that message loud and clear. So I'm sending even more Americans to their graves in the future. I know that's what everyone wants. Our only other option would be to admit I made a collosal mistake invading Iraq in the first place, not to mention a horribly botched handling of the war since. This is better for everyone."

The deployment, dubbed "Operation Enduring Quagmire" is a multi-faceted approach, sending American soldiers to cemeteries, mausoleums and even crematoria around the country. The military refers to this as "Boots in the ground" a time-tested strategy employed previously in Vietnam. The program has the full support of funeral homes and florists around the country.

Whitewash Spokesman Orr Wellian defended the plan today, "An increase in troop levels in our national cemeteries is necessary to protect the American people from the reality of the war in Iraq. There is a great danger of Iraq becoming a hotbed of reality which could seep into this country, infecting the American people and possibly even the government. This is a strategy for victory. Every new report of casualties means the enemy has lost that many roadside bombs. Rest assured, the best brains in the country came up with this plan."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Consults With Advisors

Washington - pResident Bush spent the week consulting with his best advisors, attempting to come up with a new strategy for Iraq. The following is a transcript from one of these sessions:

Bush: What is the situation in Iraq?

King Friday: Things are going fine, we're making progress every day.

Queen Sara: The liberal media just won't report all the good news.

Prince Tuesday: Maybe there's been a few problems.

Henrietta Pussycat: You're the best President ever!

X the Owl: Perhaps we should send more troops, just to be sure.

Bush: Do we need more troops?

King Friday: I think things are going great, we should stay the course.

Queen Sara: Things are going fine, but we can't leave, then it would be a disaster.

Prince Tuesday: We could "surge" in a few more troops.

Henrietta Pussycat: You're the best president ever!

X the Owl: Where will you get the troops from? And what will this accomplish?

Bush: Good point, X, some of my top generals agree that it might even be counterproductive.

King Friday: Execute the traitor terrorist lovers!

Queen Sara: Or we could replace them, get Casey and Abizaid and X the Owl to resign, and put spineless yes men in their place, how about this Admiral Fallon from the Pacific?

Prince Tuesday: Yes, Admiral Fallon understand the situation. The navy has always been the key to victory in the Middle East. A few submarines deployed in Anbar province should nip the insurgency in the bud.

Henrietta Pussycat: You're the greatest leader the Kingdom of Make Believe has ever had!

X the Owl: I'm not sure this is a good idea. Why did we invade in the first place?

(knock, knock)
Laura: George, what are you doing in there?

Bush: I'm um, just consulting with my advisors mother.

Laura: George I told you to cut that out, you'll go blind you know.

Bush: Yes mother.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.