FAUX News Report - 1483

Spain - The Holy Inquisition seems poised to nominate Tomas de Torquemada for the post of Inquisitor General, despite his reluctance to discuss whether some interrogation techniques constitute torture. The Pope has stood by the nominee, calling him a "man of integrity who's been treated unfairly by the nominating committee"

The confirmation of Torquemada was almost derailed last week when one committee member asked him to describe the technique known as "Chinese Water Torture." Torquemada claimed to be unfamiliar with the practice. When the procedure, which simulates drowning, was explained to him, he refused to rule on whether it constitutes torture, stating, "I wouldn't want to condemn the torturers who do this to possible prosecution in the future. Not that the inquisition tortures, cause we totally don't."

With the possibility of a Papal election coming up, several cardinals hoping to run for office chimed in. Cardinal Jool L'Awnee stated, "We have to be tough on these criminals. We know they're criminals because they were arrested, governments don't make mistakes. Not that we torture, but we have to be able to torture these guys." Cardinal Myttrawm Nee stated his position, "Look, I would totally torture these guys worse than L'Awnee would, so I'm the only one who can protect you. Oh, and we don't torture."

A spokesman for the pope added the final word, "We don't torture, but we need these 'enhanced interrogation techniques' like the Chinese water torture. It's the only thing keeping you safe from your enemies. I'm sure history will show that the Spanish Inquisition did the right thing."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
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