Dumbeldore Denies Gay Rumors

London - In a rare public press conference, Albus Dumbeldore denied reports that he is gay. Author J.K. Rowlings recent claim that he is in fact a closeted homosexual led the beloved character of the Harry Potter series to speak out. "I'm totally not gay, don't believe what the media tells you, I was framed by that foolish woman Rowling, who's only trying to get attention. Muggle bitch set me up. I swear I am not and never have been gay."

Dumbledore's denial added to an ongoing controversy. The Ministry of Magic claims to have caught Dumbledore in innapropriate behavoir during an undercover operation in a Hogwarts laboratory. Dumbeldore responded, "That was entrapment, I just have a wide stance. I'm a British boarding schoolmaster, I have to spend a lot of time in the boys' lavatory, making sure they shower, dress, look nice, and punishing them when they're bad. There's nothing gay about that. If there was every upper class male in Britain would be suspect."

Dumbeldore was flanked by professor Macgonagle, who he claims to have had a secret long term relationship. Said Dumbeldore, "I totally love the ladies, always have. We're going back to my place right now to have man-woman sexual intercourse. With her vagina, which is so sexy to me. I'm so totally not gay, really."



The loudest response came from Evangelical leader Brains Gotnone of Farmisht on the Family, a conservative group. Dr. Gotnone stated, "We are really gonna boycott Harry Potter now, even more than we already do. This is double secret boycott. That'll show 'em."


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.