FAUX News Report - 9 A.D.

Rome - The Roman Senate met today to hear the testimony of General Betraeus Maximus on the progress of the "surge" of Legions in the Germanic Regions. As expected, General Betraeus reported that the war against the barbarians is making great progress and the "surge" should be continued.

General Betraeus addressed the Senate, "We're making great progress in Germania. The war on Barbarianism is going great. If we pull out any troops now it will be really, really bad. This is totally my idea, and not the plan of our great, wise and all-knowing leader Emperor Augustus, who coincidentally wants us to keep our legions in Germania indefinitely. I always speak my mind, like when I published that scroll a few years ago just before the Emperor's appointment entitled, 'Everything's going great and Augustus is the greatest leader ever.'"

When asked about reports of heavy casualties, including three legions destroyed, the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if keeping legions in Germania distracted from the war against Persia the General replied, "This is totally part of the war against Persia, I think we should support the troops and not play politics. Just give me what I want, which just happens to be what Emperor Augustus wants and put aside your partisan politics. If you support the troops that is."

When asked if keeping half our legions in Germania indefinitely was really a new strategy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked if having soldiers killed and wounded by roadside booby traps was really hurting the enemy the General replied, "Why do you hate the troops?"

When asked what time it was, the general replied, "Why do you hate the troops? Oops, trick question, I wasn't prepared for that."

The Emperor's spokesman, Confusin Plebeians, commented, "Wow, we were really surprised, we had no idea what he was going to say. There's an independent assesment that just happens to totally support everything the Emperor ever said but is totally not 'stay the course.' If we just do what we've been doing we'll totally win the war against barbarians. I don't think we'll have any trouble from these 'Germans' for the next two thousand years."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
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