Presidential News Update

Here's a rundown of what's happening with the pResident this week. Brought to you by FAUX news, because reality's unpatriotic.

If I Did It - The pResident announced a television special to coincide with his new book which tells a hypothetical story of how he would have got us into a disastrous war in Iraq if he had done such a thing. The book, touted as a work of fiction, explains how the pResident would have lied to the American people to get them to invade a country that had nothing to do with 9-11 and no WMD's, then botched it both politically and militarily until it became a bloody desperate quagmire. His agent has reiterated that the book is merely a hypothetical look at what might have happened, and definitely not a confession.

Bush Home Approval Rating Drops - Bush's approval rating in the white house was at 100% earlier this year when he vowed to stay in Iraq even if his only supporters were his wife, Laura and Barney the Dog. His rating fell below 50% this week when Barney finally realized Iraq was a disaster and Laura considered having her own opinion for a few seconds. Barney is now listed as a Democrat on FAUX news. And Laura is considering replacing Barney with a poodle - Tony Blair.

Vietnam - Bush finally got to Vietnam today. The pResident talked excitedly about all he'd seen, "Gosh, this isn't so bad, there's nice hotels and all the leaders speak English. It's still not quite as fun as snorting cocaine in Texas, but maybe I should have come over here when everybody else did."

Exit Strategy - The pResident announced today that he did in fact have an exit stratety - for Vietnam. "Gosh, I'll just get on a plane and leave, it doesn't seem so hard.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

An Alternate History

(Come Journey to a land of what might have been. A land with absolutely no parallels to our time - honest!)

Dateline Nov. 15, 1990

Washington - President Bush today announced his willingness to consider all options for dealing with the war in Vietnam, and accused the Democrats of lacking a plan. With the war now in its 26th year, and no end in sight, the President has come under increasing criticism and faces calls for an American troop withdrawal.


The President responded today while addressing the newly inducted class of draftees headed out to Vietnam, "We can't withdraw troops now, or set a timetable to withdraw, it would only embolden our enemies, and make Vietnam a violent place. We're fighting the communists there so we don't have to fight them here. We're not going to settle for anything less than Victory."

Critics have pointed out that Vietnam already is an increasingly violent place and fighting there has weakened the American military and increased anger towards the US throughout the world. In addition they claim most Vietnamese do not want us there, and support the insurgency. There are also reports that most of US aid is poorly spent and the South Vietnamese forces perform poorly.

Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney denied that things were going poorly in Vietnam, "We're headed for victory, we can't leave now. We're spreading democracy and bringing security to the Vietnamese people. We'll stand down when Vietnamese forces can stand up. I support the troops, the Democrats hate the troops. They've been trying to cut and run for years. They told Nixon to withdraw, they told Ford and Reagan, but us Republicans have stayed the course. This is about the global war on communism."

The Secretary also denied rumors that the US was sending troops to the Middle East in a plan to distract attention from their failures in Vietnam. Said Mr. Cheney, "This is not true, we're completely focused on Vietnam, but did you know how many links this Saddam Hussein guy has with communism? I'm just saying."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

When Rummy Comes Marching Home

Written in honor of Donald Rumsfeld's recent resignation, and the praise Bush still heaps upon him. Why...

...because I can.

When Rummy Comes Marching Home
(To the tune of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home")

When Rummy comes marching home again
Hurrah! Hurrah!
We'll say he is a brilliant man
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Republicans will pretend to sob
And Bush will say 'heckuva job'
And the course we'll stay
When Rummy comes marching home

The body bags we'll pile high
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Facts we don't like we will deny
Hurray! Hurrah!
Republicans will sing his praise
And talk of progress every day
And the course we'll stay
When Rummy comes marching home

Get ready for the legacy
Hurrah! Hurrah!
A quagmire no victory
Hurrah! Hurrah!
The laurel wreath is ready now
To place upon his loyal brow
And the course we'll stay
When Rummy comes marching home

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.