Bush Raises Gay Terror Alert

Washington - In a surprise move that has absolutely nothing to do with the upcoming election, pResident Bush today raised the nation's Gay Terror Alert status. The Gay Terror Alert will be raised from Fuscia (Bitchy but well dressed) to Lavender (Fabulous). While the alert has never been raised to Pink (We Are Family), Bush spoke of the possibility in the future, particularly if his poll numbers keep dropping.

In conjunction with the new Alert status, Donald Rumsfeld announced the launching of a new Gaydar equipped spy sattelite, the Gladiator, with the ability to see through closet doors from 80 miles up. Said Secretary Rumsfeld, "This new model is so sensitive it can pick out one Barbra Streisand CD in a collection of Heavy Metal. The old models had trouble picking out Liberace at a stockbroker's convention."

At one point Mr. Rumsfeld got angry with reporter's questions, including one who asked why the Gay Terror Alerts always seemed to be about men and not women. Rumsfeld replied, "We know Gay men are up to evil plots, and we know about Lesbians, they're young harmless, pretty and willing to experiment with pizza delivery boys and plumbers. Trust me, I've done alot of research on this." When asked how he knew what gay men are up to Rumsfeld angrily replied, "I was in the Navy for God's sake" and stormed off.

Mr. Bush meanwhile denied reports that he was exagerrating homophobic fears to rally his base. Said Mr. Bush, "I'm just talking about what we're facing here, which rationally means that a gay liberal vegan activist judge is going to break into your home and steal your marriage certificate and wedding rings. That's what this debate is really about. So let's all be calm and non partisan about this."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Denies Making Mistake

Washington - Reports of marital strife continue to come out of the White House, desite repeated denials from government officials. Leaked reports indicate the pResident may have "gotten himself into the wrong place" during relations with his wife.

The pResident was quick to deny any mistakes had been made, "I didn't go into the wrong place, I didn't go in the wrong way, I went exactly where my intelligence told me I needed to go. I'm liberating her and everything's going fine. I'm going to stay the course, I'm not going to pull out now, I'm going to get the job done. I'll stand down when Laura can stand up."

Critics continue to point out that the pResident has made a wrong move and should change course before things get worse. Said one critic, "He doesn't know what he's doing. He won't admit he made a mistake so he's just going to keep on doing what he's been doing rather than lose face. He should fire whoever advised him to try this."

Whitewash spokesman Orr Wellian defended the pResident's decision, "This isn't staying the course, we're looking at all options and could change tactics any day. But this pResident isn't going to back down just because the going gets tough. Media reports that Laura is unhappy with the situation are false. She feels liberated and no you can't ask her yourself, it isn't safe in there, not that things aren't going fine, cause they are."

Bush's supporters were quick to defend his actions. Pat Robertson recommended that all his followers imitate the pResident in their own marriages, "I know G-d wants us to do this, and I know G-d told our personal savior George Bush to do it, so it's the right thing to do." Bill O'Reilly called the pResident's actions, "The only way to win the war on terror." Rush Limbaugh called on all Americans to "Support our pResident and do as he does, or the terrorists will take over the country." And Representative Mark Foley commented, "Man, I am so staying out of this one."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Considers Options on Iraq

Washington - pResident Bush met with top strategists to consider all options for changing tactics in Iraq. The pResident, knowing for staying the course as things got worse the last three years, promised to consider all possibilities. The following options were leaked recently:

1. Keep half our army in Iraq for the indefinite future.

2. Keep half our army in Iraq for the indefinite future, but call it "Operation Bringing Smiles to Little Orphans Faces."

3. Move a couple of units around, but call it "Operation Fanged Cobra of Merciless Death."

4. Move the troops out - and into Iran.

5. Move the troops out - and into North Korea.

6. Have all of the soldiers tell their Daddies to get them cushy safe spots in the Texas Air National Guard. That way no one else will have to die.

7. Keep half our army in Iraq for the indefinite future, but give them all new hats.

8. Increase bombing of Haiphong and the Red River Delta. (Oops, wrong war, it gets confusing sometimes.)

9. Shut down all news stations except for FOX, that way no one will know that things are going badly in Iraq.

10. Get out, but blame it on Bill Clinton.

The pResident continues to consult with his advisors, who represent a wide range of points of view, including "You're doing a heckuva job Mr. pResident" "You're really smart Mr. pResident" "You can do no wrong Mr. pResident" and even a few from the "You're the greatest pResident ever" school of thought. With minds like these on the case, the soldiers in Iraq can already plan the homecoming parades - for their grandchildren.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Rejects Iraq-Vietnam Comparisons

Washington - pResident Bush today rejected any comparisons between Iraq and Vietnam, stating, "Of course this is nothing like Vietnam, for one thing I've been to Iraq."

The pResident went on to explain, "If this war was anything like Vietnam I'd be in Texas right now snorting cocaine and driving drunk. I remember that war, gosh it was hell. In my day rich cowards like myself got cushy spots in the National Guard. I've made sure that during this war the National Guard is a very dangerous place to be. In Vietnam a Democrat got us in and a Republican pulled us out. I'm making sure that in this war no Republican ever pulls us out."

The Vice pResident backed up the pResident's assertions, "If this was anything like Vietnam there wouldn't be enough undisclosed locations for me to hide in. In Vietnam I stayed safe in America and didn't go near a uniform. In this war I've actually been to Iraq and talked with people who've faced danger, so it's completely different. Besides, in Vietnam Ho Chi Minh actually was a communist, and Saddam wasn't a Muslim fundamentalist like we said he was."

Critics however, continue to point out the similarities, since both wars started based on a lie and in both wars wealthy Republicans were able to stay away from the fighting while continuing to send others to die in it.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

George Bush Reads!

George Bush so enjoyed "The Pet Goat" that he has taken to reading, and writing children's books. The following is his rendition of Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham:

You do not like to tell the truth?
I do not like it Dr. Seuss
I do not like to tell the truth

I could not would not, in Iraq
I will not ever take it back
I will not with Korea's bomb
I won't admit that I was wrong
Not with Delay, Not with Foley
Nor Abramoff! You let me be!

We did not tell with Enron's stocks
We don't need to cause we have FOX
I will not tell with Diebold's tricks
I will not tell with deficits
I will not tell cause things are fine
I will not tell it anytime!
I do not like to tell the truth
I do not like it, Dr. Seuss


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

WMD's Finally Found - in North Korea

Washington - The Bush administration announced today that Weapons of Mass Destruction have finally been found - in North Korea. The explosion of a nuclear warhead by the rogue dicatorship was touted as a vindication of the Administration's policies in this election year.

Whitewash spokesman Orr Wellian told reporters the jublilant news, "Three years ago we embarked on a war in the Middle East because we knew there were Weapons of Mass Destruction. Today we proved we were right. Only because Republicans have stayed the course, sending and keeping half our army in Iraq, have we created the secure world we know today."

Defense secretary Kwayg Meir also declared himself vindicated today, "They said I was out of touch and my plans were horrible. But those WMDs were out there. Thank god we got Saddam Hussein. The fact that North Korea meanwhile made several nuclear weapons only proves how right we are to take such a tough stance. Keeping our forces permanently in Iraq really showed Kim Jong Il something."

pResident Bush himself declared his mission accomplished in North Korea, "At least one North Korean nuclear weapon was eliminated today, making the world a safer place. We're making progress in North Korea everyday. Vote Republican in November, it's the only way to keep the world as safe and secure as we've made it these last five years. We're not afraid to stay the course, whether it's insrugents in Iraq, pedophiles in congress or nuclear weapons in North Korea, we're doing a heckuva job and you better vote for us, or bad things might happen. Never change horsemen mid apocalypse."

Most news media have covered the nuclear explosion and the fear it created among world leaders and populations, except for FOX News, which responded to the emerging crisis with a detailed discussion of how Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinksy caused all the problems in the world today.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.