FAUX News Report -1224

Karakorum - The great Mongol leader Ghenghis Khan called together the tribal leaders today to discuss the ongoing debate over treatment of prisoners. While some have criticized the policies of the administration as torture and brutality, supporters of the Great Khan claimed certain rough measures are called for in a time of war.

The spokesman for the administration, Toanee Snoe described the reports of torture as exagerrated, "This administration does not torture, but we need to reexamine past agreements made by the tribes regarding the treatment of prisoners. We're merely redefining the conventions to give us the tools we need to fight our terrorizing enemies. It's a dangerous world, and we need to be able to protect ourselves from the bad guys. The security of our people needs to have top priority."

Critics of the administration have pointed to several authorized procedures which they claim amount to torture, including so-called "stress positions" such as impalement and drawing and quartering. In addition, there is the so-called "chinese water torture" in which the victim is forced to undergo the sensation of drowning for extended periods of time. Said one critic, "What kind of sick society allows water torture as an accepted practice?"

The Great Khan himself responded to such accusations, "Maybe there were some pyramids of skulls made as some cities were laid waste, but that's just the fault of a few bad apples. I don't like this 'blame the Mongols first' strategy. I have never condoned mass brutality. When I said it is best to 'kill your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of the women' I was merely talking about defending our country. If we don't massacre our enemies abroad we'll be fighing them in our steppes at home. Yes, I sent our great hordes out to conquer all the way to Baghdad, it's the only way to keep us safe here in Mongolia."

Still the administration's critics claim the sack of Baghdad is a distraction from security concerns at home. One normally supportive tribal leader, Jawnn Mckhan spoke out today, "I served in our armies, I was tortured by our enemies. We shouldn't engage in such behavior, it threatens to ruin our reputation abroad. I fear history may come to associate the name Mongol hordes with torture and brutality."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Gives Thanks on 9-11 Anniversary

New York - pResident Bush honored the anniversary of the September 11th attacks by giving thanks to bin Laden and promising to "continue to milk it for all its worth"

The pResident spoke at a memorial service, "This attack stunned us all. Personally I couldn't do anything but sit there frozen and listen to 'The Pet Goat.' But then we came up with a plan, a plan to take advantage of this tragedy and use it for our own gain."

"I'd like to thank bin Laden for giving me this opportunity, wherever he is. I don't really care, but having you out there is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Thank you again, I've benefitted from this more than you have."

"I'd like to thank the American people for believing us every time we used this tragedy. I'd like to thank the victim's families, their grief has been the best political capital we've ever had. We used it to pass tax cuts for the rich, we used it to nearly eliminate enviromential regulations, we used it to spy on our political opponents, and mostly we used it to have a really big war against the guy who didn't do it."

"Who would have believed that we could keep half our army bogged down in a war against a country that had nothing to do with 9-11. I'd like to thank the American people for this blessed war, at least the 40% of you who still believe me when I say it's all about 9-11. If you weren't so damn gullible I could never pull this off."

"In the future the Republican party and I promise to keep milking this great tragedy for political gain. We're going to milk it incessantly, we'll use it in November, we'll use it in 2008 and we'll use it for every silly partisan desire that comes up in between. Thank you bin Laden and thank you America."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

State of the Union 2019

New Washington - pResident Bush gave his state of the Union in the New Capitol building today, reiterating the need to stay the course in the war on terror and reporting continuing progress in Iraq.

"We've turned the corner on Iraq, we're close to victory now." Said Mr. Bush, "We have a new strategy for success. To leave now would only embolden our enemies. If we pull our troops out of Iraq, or Iran, we'll soon be fighting terrorists here in America. Bin Laden is still out there, somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan, so we must keep our troops in Iraq and Iran, it's the only thing keeping us safe. Some say Iraq was a mistake, or that the invasion of Iran was a mistake. I say freedom is on the march and the people of those countries love our troops, and we're going to stay. Unlike my opponents, I love America and I love Freedom, as well as mothers, children, puppies and warm cookies."

"I also promise to hold elections in the near future. It was a shame we had to cancel the ones in 2008, but otherwise the terrorists would have won. Freedom is precious, and I intend to fight for it, regardless of what my opponents say. Those who don't recognize the need for the Emergency Freedom Lover's Act of 2008 only embolden our enemies, please report them to the Department of Homeland Insecurity."

"There have been rumors lately of 20% unemployment and bad economic news. I assure you the economy is fine and you are doing well. Those so called 'unemployment' riots in every city are caused by the liberal media. No matter what anyone says you are doing great economically. If anyone says different, please report them to the Department of Homeland Insecurity, so we may give them the correct facts."

"We have also turned the corner on energy. The gasoline ration will soon go up, very soon. For just a little bit longer the More Gasoline for Everyone Act of 2011 will be in place. If someone says the gasoline ration is actually less this year, please report them to the Department of Homeland Insecurity so we can help them understand the facts."

"Lastly, I'd like to announce that Washington D.C. will be rebuilt. New levees are being constructed and everyone from the city is grateful to the government for helping them out of that little mishap last year. Also, we have proof there is no such thing as 'global warming.' If anyone tells these dangerous fairy tales, please report them to the Department of Homeland Insecurity so we can give them the latest facts."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the HoolinetCopyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Rumsfeld Appeases Fascism

Donald Rumsfeld accused his critis of wanting to appease fascism. How does Rumsfeld himself deal with fascist dictators? Click the link below and find out.
Rumsfeld and Saddam