Rapture Cancelled Due to Technical Difficulties

Heaven - The rapture was cancelled today due to what an official spokesman called "technical difficulties" and what anonymous sources call "the fact that southern evangelicals are a bunch of fat-asses."

News reports from around southern America have been coming in of people mysteriously lifted several feet off the ground and then dropped, sometime around 8 this morning. Official statements released from heaven denied this had anything to do with the greater concentration of obesity in southern states, refusing to acknowledge any disparaging facts about their base and adding, "This operation was cancelled, it was not aborted, I repeat not aborted, nothing gets aborted around here."

These statements were contradicted by one anonymous inside source from Heaven's technical plant, "We've been planning this thing for some time, but we calibrated the cosmic machinery based on the average weight of an American southern evangelical, the only ones who get to go to heaven, in the nineteenth century. We ignored all the latest studies that this group is the most obese in the country. Once we started it was all tied in and the weight load caused the whole system to collapse. This is delicate machinery, which has been around since the creation of the universe, 6,000 years ago when people were thinner and no one chose to be gay. This machinery doesn't adapt or evolve, nothing does."

Several eyewitnesses reported traumatic events. One victim, Nasse Kardadd of Biloxi, explained his story, "I was laying around on my porch dreaming about shooting Mexicans when I heard a rumbling. At first I thought it was those 20 Old Milwaukees and the five Arby's beef swiss n' bacon I had for lunch, but then I was lifted up about ten feet, then I came crashing down and bounced a few times." Another victim, Mrs. Weit Trashe of Birgminham, described her story, "I was reorganizing my 'Hello Kitty' figurines when I began to rise. I barely had time to grab my box of Krispy Kremes, I wasn't going nowhere without them, Pat Robertson promised I could take them with me. I was pulled halfway through the roof of the trailer before I fell back and hurt three of my cats."

While heaven has not announced a new date for the rapture, pResident Bush has rushed aid to the region. A faith based initiative, "Operation Dumbo Lift" has been approved to repair the most severely damaged structures while equipping them with load bearing helium balloons placed within reach of couches which can be attached to individuals during the next attempt.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Pluto Gets Downsized

Prague - The international committee of astronomers decided this week to remove Pluto from the list of planets. A spokesman released this statement, "We're awfully sorry to have to let Pluto go, but this restructuring is necessary to move this solar system forward. We've got to tighten our asteroid belt and make difficult decisions. We've really enjoyed working with Pluto in the past and wish it no ill will. We look on this event as a great opportunity to revitalize our system."

Behind the scenes however, things were reportedly more heated. Rumors abound that Pluto orbited slower than other planets, often appearing sluggish and possibly intoxicated. Some have reportedly complained about off color jokes directed at Uranus. Lawsuits by several asteroids demanding inclusion in the solar system reportedly also motivated the committee to take a hard line on planet definition. An original plan to use the world "Pluton" was rejected by their lawyers as demeaning and discriminatory.

Others have defended Pluto, claiming the decision to downsize was based on unjust discrimination. One anonymous insider claimed, "It's a new solar system, and if you're not wearing rings, or you're too small, you're just not flashy enough for the kids today. Besides, the committee was always uncomfortable with the attraction between Pluto and its long-term partner, Charon. It's just prejudice I tell you."


Pluto's press agent released this statement, "While Pluto is saddened by this turn of events, it's not bitter, rather Pluto looks on this as an oportunity to explore new and exciting projects."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Are You a Terrorist?

The following survey rates your patriotism and is based on accurate and scientifical principals. Score yourself 2 points for each answer A, 1 point for each answer B and 0 points for each answer C. Add up your score and see just what kind of American you are.

1. George Bush is:
A. Infallible and appointed by God
B. Perhaps not the sharpest tool in the drawer
C. Incompetent and ruining the country and its future

2. The war in Iraq is:
A. Going good and getting better every day
B. Maybe not such a good idea
C. Ruining this country's future

3. Saddam Hussein:
A. Had lots of WMD's and was responsible for 9-11
B. Had no real WMD's but did work with Al-Qaeda
C. Had no real WMD's and no ties to 9-11

4. Hearing the Phrase "civil liberties" makes you:
A. Angry
B. Confused
C. Worried

5. The New York Times is:
A. Destroying America
B. A newspaper
C. A pretty good newspaper

6. High deficits and tax cuts for the rich
A. Make America prosper forever
B. Seem a little troublesome
C. Are bad for the country's future

7. Illegal immigrants are:
A. Lazy welfare cheats who simultaneously steal all our jobs
B. Workers without proper documents
C. People trying to feed their families

8. Gay people are:
A. Evil monsters plotting to completely destroy America
B. Weird, maybe a little gross, but still people
C. Attracted to the same sex

9. Large SUV's are:
A. The only thing that makes you a man
B. Not such a good idea with gas prices so high
C. Disastrous for our future and the future of the planet

10.Osama bin Laden is:
A. Not important, but keeping half our army in Iraq indefinitely is
B. The guy who did that thing on 9-11 right?
C. An enemy of America we should be concentrating on

Add up your points to see what your score is:

I. (16-20 points)You are a true American. You know George Bush never made a mistake and things are going very good. Nothing you see or hear will ever convince you otherwise, congratulations patriot!

II. (11-15 points) You are a pretty good American, but you probably read too much. Homeland security will be keeping an eye on you just to be sure. If you complain about it, move yourself down a category.

III. (6-10 points)You are a communist, whatever that is, you are one. You are the real problem with this country commie-pinko, go back to Russia!

IV. (0-5 points) You are a terrorist and you hate America. It's true, whatever you say it's true. You're an atheist who hates God and wants us all to be Muslim. Don't tell me that's contradictory you commie-fascist-terrorist. Everyone who thinks like you should be imprisoned in Guantanamo, in the name of freedom of course.

This survey was based on deep scientifical research and the philosophical works of Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly and Pat Robertson. If you don't like it then the terrorists have already won.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Why...

...because I can.

Bush's Message to America

Washington - pResident Bush spoke to the American people about Iraq today, delivering an important message. "Screw you all, you're stuck with it and there's nothing you can do about it." said the pResident in one of his more candid moments. "If we leave it could turn into a disaster, can you imagine what Iraq would look like if it were a disaster? As long as I'm pResident things will continue just like they have been and you just better shut up and accept it. Look on the bright side, half of our army is NOT stuck in Iraq indefinitely, why don't you reporters ever talk about the good news?"

Whitewash Spokesman Orr Wellian clarified the pResident's comments, "What he meant to say was 'Nah nah nah nah nah' just in case you weren't really listening."

Vice pResident Doant Blemey reiterated the pResident's talking points, "Yeah, there were no WMD's, no ties to 9-11, we just did it because we wanted to and now it's a big mess, so take that Beeatch, there ain't nothing you can do about it."

The American people were also shocked to learn that the war in Iraq was a strain on their psyche, rather than on their security, pocketbooks, future and the soldiers lives.

In other news, Vietnam filed a formal complaint with the UN today about Iraq, claiming it threatened their position as the biggest mistake the US has ever made.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Why...
...because I can.

FAUX News Report - 1864

Washington - The government denied today that the country is slipping into civil war, despite repeated claims by some military officers to the contrary. When asked by a congressional committee, Gen. Totle Spynne commented, "I wouldn't say it is a civil war, but there is the possibility that it could deteriorate into a civil war type situation."

Secretary of State Cottmeelyin Twyce stated, "That kind of questioning is not helpful. We're not in a civil war, we're making a new North America. It's the media's fault. Every time 20,000 soldiers get killed it makes all the front papers. Sure that might look like civil war if you're an America hating liberal, but it ignores all the progress we're making every day industrializing this country. While you were distracted by liberal lies about 50,000 casualties at Gettysburg, we signed an agreement for a transcontinental railroad, that should be the only news story."

Private Sakke Riffyce, one of 22,000 casualties from the battle of Antietam stated, "I agree, there is no civil war. That's why I don't read the New York Times. I look at FAUX news instead, then I know things are going fine and they're getting better every day."

The White House responded to rumors that General Grant will be placed in command of the 118,000 man Army of the Potomac for the spring campaign, "This army will help bring security to the region. It's not a civil war, but there are some bad people, maybe even a little sectarian violence. All we're doings is making the situation more secure, its definitely not a civil war. What you should be concerned with is seccessionist saboteurs and terrorists within our midst. Yes, be very afraid of terrorism, especially before the fall elections. But don't get upset about any rumors of a destabilizing 'civil war' just look at FAUX news and believe everything you see there."

War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.