The Day the Titanic Sank


The following is just an historical piece, which has absolutely nothing to do with current events - honest!
Why...
...Because I can.

The Day the Titanic Sank

"I am the greatest Captain ever, I will lead you forward." cried the Captain.
"He is the greatest Captain ever." said Mr. Fox
"He is the greatest Captain ever." said Mr. Wright
"Oh Captain, my Captain! We will follow him anywhere he wants to go."
Said Mr. Centre
"There is an iceberg ahead" cried Lefty


"Mission Accomplished!" cried the Captain
"Mission Accomplished!" cried Mr. Fox
"Mission Accomplished!" cried Mr. Wright
"Mission Accomplished! But what was that shudder?" asked Mr. Centre
"You idiot, you hit an iceberg, we warned you." said Lefty


"There was no iceberg, just a few rough waves, we're making progress" said the Captain
"He is the greatest captain ever" said Mr. Fox
"Just a few waves, were making progress" said Mr. Wright
"The lower decks are getting a bit damp" said Mr. Centre
"You idiot, you hit an iceberg and we're sinking, time to abandon ship" said Lefty


"Lefty hates this ship and wants us to leave it" said the Captain
"Lefty is causing the leaks." said Mr. Fox
"Everything is going fine, except for Lefty's complaints." said Mr. Wright
"The water's up to the railings." said Mr. Centre.
"We're sinking. You hit an iceberg and we're sinking. Time to abandon ship. Why did you hit the iceberg." said Lefty


"Asking why does no good now, we must fix these leaks." Said the Captain
"We're moving this ship forward all the time" said Mr. Fox
"Lefty hates his ship and wants us to abandon it." Said Mr. Wright
"The water's up to the smokestack. Captain must know what he's doing, no time to make trouble, what with all the water coming in and all." Said Mr. Centre
"The water's up to the smokestack. We're going to drown if we don't abandon ship now. Captain got us into this." said Lefty


"Lefty is causing all these leaks" said the Captain
"Everything is going fine" said Mr. Fox
"If we abandon ship now we'll be out in flimsy boats in open water, it will be a disaster." said Mr. Wright
"Help we're drowning. Captain maybe made a mistake." said Mr. Centre
"We're drowning, get to the lifeboats before more lives are lost." said Lefty

"It was all Lefty's fault, he lost the ship." said the Captain
"It was all Lefty's fault, he lost the ship." Said Mr. Fox
"It was all lefty's fault, he lost the ship." Said Mr. Wright
"Glub, glub." said Mr. Centre
"You idiots." Said Lefty.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

A Presidential Joke

Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush were all stuck in a house in Kansas during a tornado warning. One tornado approached very close to the house. Reagan stood up and said, "I'll handle this." He went to the window and yelled at the tornado, calling it an evil empire. The tornado passed by the house. Reagan sat down and said, "I made it go away."

Soon another tornado was reported in the area. Clinton called up FEMA and laid up plans to help out anyone hurt by the tornado. He also invited a young girl named Dorothy to seek shelter with him in the cellar.

Shortly thereafter another tornado was sighted heading right for their house. All could see it right out the window bearing down on them. George W. Bush stood up and said, "I'll fix this." And he went over to the window and pulled down the shade.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

World Cup Soccer Update

Germany - The world continues to be stunned today as the U.S. soccer team refuses to leave the field after playing for four days straight. The U.S. team, after handily winning a victory in the first quarter, chased their opponents from the benches and occupied the soccer field, claiming the game has not yet been won. Despite criticism from World Cup officials, the U.S. team announced it intended to remain on the field until "victory is won."

Since then, players from the opposing team, and a few from other teams, have occasionally snuck back onto the field and scored goals against the Americans. Meanwhile the fans in the stands have started fighting amongst themselves. Despite pResident Bush's "mission accomplished" speech to the team on day one, the White House has announced it's intentions to remain on the field for the foreseeable future, rotating in more players as necessary.

American team captain Kwaig Meir explained the situation, "We must remain until this game is won. As long as anyone wants to score against us, this game is not over. We have to have the courage to win. Anyone who says we should go home hates America and doesn't support our athletes. This is not the time to criticize, but to stay the course until complete victory. We're winning, we've always been winning. If we don't stay on this field the fans will start fighting each other."

Critics have pointed out that that the fans weren't fighting each other until Americans occupied the field and no one could score goals against them if they weren't there. Senator Hillary Clinton criticized the strategy at a press conference, "This world cup game is a pointless, expensive and dangerous distraction from other sports which are more vital to America. But I voted to keep the players in the field and will continue to do so, please consider me for 2008."

pResident Bush responded to the criticism, "This game is important for America's global Olympics strategy. We have to remain on this field in order to get more medals in the Olypmics. The World Cup is part of the Olympics, they're both sports and thus both vital to the American people. Our opponents hate America and want it to lose all sports. If we give up in this game, we'll lose the Superbowl and the World Series, see what my opponents want to happen? They hate the Superbowl and the World Series."

Vice pResident Doant Blemey had one final comment on the game, "Sure the liberal media reports every time an opponent scores a goal on us, but do they ever report how we're mowing the grass and putting up new goal posts? Noooo. That's the media for you, they're the real reason we haven't won this game yet. Not that we're not winning. Victory is in sight, we've turned the corner, it's getting better every day, the other team is in their last throes, etc. I love American sports!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Ann Coulter is a Drag Queen

In honor of Ann Coulter's new book, it's time to resurrect the internet's most disturbing conspiracy theory:

Strap-on Veterans for Truth

Bush Proposes Constitutional Amendment Banning Gay Marriage

Washington - With the situation in Iraq worsening, gas prices high and a crisis looming with Iran, pResident Bush today swung into action with a bold solution - a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Said the pResident, "We need to define marriage the way it's always been defined, the way the bible intended it. We will base our new amendment on the exact words of the bible, for a stable, ordered society, just like ancient times."

The White house released a draft of the new amendment, outlining key points of the new bible based amendment:

1. Gay marriage will not be allowed, since there is no gay marriage in the bible.

2. Polygamy will be legal, since it occurs frequently in the bible, from Abraham and Issac to Solomon's 700 wives. But only one man and several women, never the opposite. Said Mr. Bush, "It was Solomon and his wives, not Sheba and her guys."

3. All polygamy must involve both sexes. Mr. Bush pointed out, "It was Jacob and Leah and Rachel, not Jake and Luke and Ramone."

4. Incest will be illegal, but half sisters are OK, since Abraham did it.

5. Daughters can't have sex with their fathers, unless there are no men around and their mother just died. According to Mr. Bush, "If it was good enough for Lot, it's good enough for me."

6. If a man rapes a virgin, he must marry her, even if she objects, but he must pay her father 50 shekels (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). As Mr. Bush pointed out, "Private property and the free market must be as important to us as it is to G-d."

7. If a man marries the wrong sister, he can marry the other one as well, as Jacob did.

Upon hearing of the new amendment, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell held a joint service "To thank G-d for bringing us this holy amendment which will return us from our wicked ways and bring back good old fashioned family values. The historic institution of marriage as it was practiced by our forefathers must be preserved. This will certainly spare us another 9-11, which was caused by our evil monogomous ways."

Republicans in congress rejoiced in the chance to do something to distract the public before the November elections. pResident Bush is apparently considering other amendments which will bring the literal rules of the bible into the constitution, such as amendments banning pork and seafood, as well as eating meat and dairy products at the same meal. Said Mr. Bush, "It's not up to us to interpret G-d's word, but to follow it as exactly as it was printed in G-d's holy English."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.