A Night of FAUX News

pResident Bush has told Americans they're not getting the whole truth from the "mainstream media" so we recommend a night of FAUX news to tell you all the stories everyone else won't cover:

6:30 Today in Potemkin province, no one was killed by an insurgent. No one was killed by any insurgents in several provinces today. Almost all American soldiers in Iraq are still alive and believe Saddam caused 9-11. Plus reconstruction in this province has just put a brick wall on three sides of a future hospital, it's nothing but progress here.

6:35 Well that looks like a lot of progress in Iraq, we've been reporting the real news, it's getting better every day, so ignore anything else you hear. As a matter of fact many Americans are thinking of moving to Iraq. Any country that can sustain constant improvement for over three years will soon be the best place to live on earth. 467 billion dollars certainly does buy you something!

6:40 Today the Chaldean Christians and the Assryian rite Christians are not at war with each other. Yet more proof from us that Iraq is not breaking down into sectarian violence. Next week we'll look at the Buddhists and the Jews.

6:45 Saddam's on trial! No really, that rat bastard who bombed us on 9-11 is on trial! The one with nuclear weapons! Well he did some bad things that's for sure, doesn't he look evil? You have to admit he's not a nice guy. He's on trial!

6:50 In other news, three years of training has produced thousands of police officers, 15% of whom have not left to join sectarian militias and 2% of whom will not accept bribes. Law and order are the wave of the future with these super cops on the beat.

6:55 By refusing to define drowning as a form of torture, the US government has drastically reduced the amount of torture commited by US forces. Turns out it's just a little watersport for the poor thirsty camel drivers.

6:57 A new government has been approved by the United States and will be allowed to govern until they displease the American military. So the sweet breath of freedom now covers this independent land. And hey, the NSA isn't monitoring their calls so that's a plus.

6:59 That's all for FAUX News, we bring you the good news the other networks wouldn't dare. So remember our motto: Just Pretend Everything's OK - Or Else!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Sings for Immigrants

In honor of Bush's new policy on immigration.
Why... ...because I can.

Let No One In
(To the tune of "Ride Like the Wind" by Christopher Cross)

It is not right. My polls are weak
Why's everyone, no longer sheep
I've got to let

Let no one in, to get votes again
And I've got such a long way to go
To fortify the border with Mexico
So I'll let no one in

I was born the son of a wealthy man
Always spoke my mind holding Karl Rove's hand
Lived nine lives
Used up ten
Gotta let no one in

And I've got such a long way to go
To fortify the border with Mexico
So I'll let no one in
Let no one in
Let no one in

Used to tolerate Mexicans
Now I pander for votes
From the Minutemen
Everyone with dark skin will just have to go
Gonna let no one in so I can get votes

It is not right. My polls are weak
Why's everyone, no longer sheep
I've got to let Let no one in to get votes again

And I've got such a long way to go
To fortify the border with Mexico
So I'll let no one in
Let no one in

And I've got such a long way to go
To fortify the border with Mexico
So I'll let no one in
Gonna let no one in

(Alternate verse)
Never known much for my brains
I was no where in sight when the school bells rang
While we were attacked
I read My Pet Goat
Gotta let no one in so I can get votes

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Invades Your Privacy

Washington - pResident Bush defended his invasion of Americans' privacy today, calling it a "liberation of privacy." Said Mr. Bush, "For too long your private telephone records have suffered under the tyranny of the telephone companies. We have brought the sweet air of freedom to that information."

Vice President Doant Blemey commented further, "We liberated those records several years ago, but we're not stuck in them, we can leave soon, but first we must fix them, they're quite a mess, so we'll be in them for now, but we've definitely turned the corner. Everything's going fine."

Still rumors abound that everything isn't going fine. Anonymous pentagon officials pointed to plans to remain in Americans' privacy for years to come. Also there have been reports of sectarian fighting between the records of At&T, Bellsouth and Verizon. Billions of dollars spent reconstructing Americans' privacy has apparently produced little or no result over the last three years.

Secretary of State Cottmeelyin Twyce responded to these concerns, "The real problem is that there are terrorist phone records, but they're in Qwest's database. We're talking diplomatically for now, but all options are on the table to deal with Qwest, so focus your attention on that please. You know you can trust us not to abuse the power we've secretly and unitaterally taken for ourselves. If we don't know how many times you called your sister in Vermont, then the terrorists have already won."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Focuses in on Real Threat

Washington - pResident Bush announced today that the government would focus its efforts on the real enemy in the war on terror - The American People. pResident Bush defended the new strategy as necessary, "I was shocked to learn after 9-11 that we had no idea what this dangerous threat was up to. I am the decider, and I decided the best use of the NSA was to have it tracking the American people. This program is necessary for our national defense."

The President's nominee for head of the CIA, Bygge Bruthirr, also defended the program, "This is targeted spying, collecting the phone records of everyone who makes phone calls. Thus it is limited to those Americans who use phones. If we don't know what the American people are up to, how will be find bin Laden?"

The reaction from Republicans was immediate. Both houses of congress passed resolutions calling for the burning of the Constitution in order to ensure that all such surveillance is lawful. Republican spokesman N. Duffreedumm commented, "We support our pResident, if he says this is necessary, we will surrender any civil liberties we have, and even some we don't have. This constitution is full of protections which prevent us from spying on these 300 million phone using terrorists. Obviously these 'Founding Fathers' were nothing but big terrorist lovers. We wouldn't want to criticize the greatest leader this country ever had."

Democrats were also very outspoken. Senators Kerry and Clinton released statements, "Please don't call us soft on terrorism again, we'll let you do whatever you want, please, please leave us alone." Senator Lieberman also joined in, "I love this, I can finally come out, I'm a Republican, all hail King George!" pResident Bush replied, "What a shocker, Lieberman's such a hawk he makes Rumsfeld look like Abbie Hoffman."

With no real political opposition in congress, it fell to the free press to preserve American democracy. The response from this bastion of freedom was immediate. FAUX news led with a strong story, "Whoever leaked this story is an enemy of this country. Once they learn the government can spy on the American people, Al Qaeda might suspect we could listen in on their calls. That's the real issue here."

The American people can now sleep soundly at night, knowing their government is doing everything it can to keep an eye on the real enemy - them.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FAUX News Report - 1900

IMMIGRATION DEBATE IN WASHINGTON

Washington - Thousands rallied across the country today in support of immigrant rights. While President Mckinley is generally in favor of allowing immigration into this country, other members of his party are not so sure. With immigration steadily increasing in this country, the debate rages. We at FAUX news have brought you this unbiased report.

Republican Congressman Weit Powr commented, "In the good old days only good hard working people came to this country, except for the Irish, boy was that a mistake. We know they were hard working good people because they were white protestant northern Europeans. Today's immigrants are different, they aren't invited, they just keep coming. I'm sure all of our ancestors were invited. They don't want to fit in. Go to any immigrant neighborhood and you'll hear different languages being spoken. Today's immigrants eat different food and worship different ways. They'll never fit in, they'll never be good Americans. They don't want to assimilate, they just want to take from us, I predict if we keep letting in this lazy, un-American rabble the twentieth century will be the end of American power.

FAIR AND BALANCED

For a Balanced approach, our own Bill O'Reilly interviewed Democratic congressman Totle Wymmpe:

O'Reilly: Why do Democrats want to water down and destroy the proud American Race?

Wymmpe: We just think every hard working immigrant who comes here deserves a fair chance.

O'Reilly: We're at war with Spain and you want to let our borders go unsecured?

Wymmpe: No, no you're right we should secure our borders, it's just that...

O'Reilly: That's enough of your unpatriotic talk. There you have it folks, Democrats hate America,love the Spanish and want them to invade our country once they've destroyed the purity of the American race with dirty Catholics and Jews, who will never make good Americans.

THE OTHER SIDE FINALLY GETS A CHANCE TO SPEAK

We interviewed Ray Cyst, the leader of the anti-immigrant group The Hourmen. Mr. Cyst spoke eloquently of the dangers facing our country, "The old immigrants were hard working good people, the new ones are lazy and just want to live off our charity, plus they're all taking our jobs at the same time. The old immigrants, before the Irish, all wanted to blend in and become American. Now we have Poles, Italians, Croatians, Hungarians, Catholics and Jews all coming in. These people still speak their own languages and eat their native foods. They go to their native Cathedrals and Synagogues. Such people will never blend in and never make good Americans. This isn't what the founding fathers would have wanted."

THE WAR ON SPAIN

In other news the war on Spain goes well, despite Democratic criticism which somehow kills our soldiers. President Mckinley today landed aboard the Battleship Indiana dressed in a sailor suit beneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner, declaring an end to all fighting in the Phillipines.

In Cuba Secretary of Defense A. Nalajee spoke of the reconstruction efforts, "Things are going great in Cuba. Some say we never found the massively destructive weapons used to sink the Battleship Maine, but they're here and we'll find them. The people of Cuba have greeted us as liberators. Cuba's massive sugar reserves ensure that reconstruction will pay for itself. I predict that the people of Cuba will be so thankful that from here on out everyone in Cuba will always love America, forever!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.