Bird Flu Preparedness

The Bush administration recently released it's plans in case of an outbreak of bird flu in the U.S. The following are some excerpts:

1. A faith based initiative will be launched, involving evangelical preachers attempting to convince the birds to repent and turn from their wicked, wicked ways. (They're not sure what exactly the birds are doing that's immoral, in fact they're not sure what causes the bird flu in the first place, since they've outlawed real science. But they are sure that condoms are NOT the answer.)

2. A small country that has nothing to do with the problem will be chosen and invaded. Half our army will then occupy it for several years. That should fix the problem. (Turkey and the Canary Islands have been suggested.)

3. The Alaskan wildlife refuge will be opened up for drilling. (Can't hurt)

4. More tax cuts will be passed for the wealthiest 1% of the country. (The economics of this are totally proven, and this will make everything better somehow.)

5. The government will begin spying on anyone who complains about the bird flu or their response to it.

6. Bush will complain that the "mainstream media" isn't reporting all the progress they're making combatting the bird flu.

7. All Americans will be asked to accept George Bush as their personal savior.

8. Anyone who complains about all the deaths from bird flu will be called unpatriotic.

9. Americans will be asked to store cans of tuna fish and powdered milk under their beds. (Actually this one's just a joke, that would be a silly plan for the government to have.)

10. If the bird flu becomes a serious pandemic and society breaks down under the strain of massive deaths, people will be encouraged to stay in their home and watch Fox News. They will then see that everything is going fine and it's getting better every day.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.