Vice Presidential Shooting Update - 1804

FAUX NEWS Report - July 15, 1804

Washington - Questions continued today over the shooting incident involving Vice President Aaron Burr. Burr accidentally shot a companion, Alexander Hamilton in Weehawken, New Jersey on the 11th. The Public was not notified for several days, and that was only after a witness reported it by telling a friend in a local pub.

The Vice President's office released this statement, "This was an accident, Hamilton was 'peppered' due to walking in front of Burr's line of fire. It was his own fault. Hamilton is in stable condition and has no complaints against the Vice President. Vice President Burr has talked to the family and asked if they needed anything, but they said it was an honor to be 'peppered' by the Vice President. We didn't tell anyone because we wanted the landowner to be able to report it, we respected that. There was no cover up."

One Eyewitness reported, "This was a 'peppering' resulting from Hamilton not announcing his presence forcefully enough. It was his own fault. I was there, he wasn't upset at the Vice President or anything. These things happen."

Hamilton was reported in stable condition at Trinity Churchyard. A spokesman for the cemetery said, "He's very stable, this was only a 'peppering' these things happen all the time, it's perfectly normal and we expect his condition will not worsen. It was his own fault. He has made no complaints against the Vice President."

White House spokesman Cott Mistellin answered reporter's questions, "This is no big deal, Hamilton was accidentally 'peppered' when he made the mistake of walking into Burr's line of fire. It was his own fault." One reporter pointed out the rules of the country's militias whereby the person shooting the gun is responsible for seeing what they were aiming at. Another asked about rumors that Hamilton actually died slowly in agony over the next 24 hours. In response Mr. Mistellin became somewhat agitated, "Look, we just almost had a Quasi-war with France, it's unpatriotic to criticize the Vice President in a time of Quasi-war. You keep this up and well punish you under the Alien and Sedition acts and deport you to some dark dungeon, perhaps in a Spanish colony in the Caribbean."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Cheney's Got a Gun
(To the tune of "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith)

Dumb, dumb, dumb Cheney what have you done
Dumb, dumb, dumb it's the sound of your gun
Dumb, dumb, dumb Cheney what have you done
Dumb, dumb, dumb it's the sound, it's the sound...
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah

Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His whole world's come undone
Was looking straight at the sun
What did Dick Cheney do?
What did his friend go through

They say the EMT's attested
They found the buckshot in his face
But man, he had it comin'
Now that Cheney's got a gun
Things ain't never gonna be the same

Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His long week's just begun
Comedians havin' fun
Tell us it's untrue
What did the VP do

He shot his shotgun without caution
The man has got to be insanse
They say the stress that he was under
Was just a little blunder
And that buckshot doesn't cause much pain

Run away, run away from blame
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Run away, run away from the blame
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
His long week's just begun
Comedians havin' fun
What did the V.P. do
The NRA's IOU

He had to make it look easy
And put some buckshot in his brain
He said cause everyone believes me
That aimin' ain't that easy
And FOX news won't make me take the blame

Run away, run away from blame
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away from the blame
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away

Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
Cheney's got a gun
Everybody is on the run
Cheney's got a gun
His long week has just begun
Now everybody is on the run (Cheney, Cheney what's your problem)
Cause Cheney's got a gun (Tell me it ain't right)
Cheney's got a gun (Was it Cheney's way of talkin')
His long week has just begun (That made you scream at night)
Cheney's got a gun
His long week has just begun
Now everybody's on the run
Cheney's got a gun

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Dick Cheney Gets a Theme Song

In honor of Dick Cheney, who shot a companion while hunting this weekend. (And then tried to cover it up but the story broke after 24 hours.)

You Give Guns a Bad Name (To the tune of "You give love a bad name" by Bon Jovi)

Trust and security's what you sell
You promise restraint but then unleash hell
Tom Clancy got a hold you see
With violence your passion, you can't break free
oh-oh It's a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save you
The damage is done

Chorus:
Shot in the face
And you're to blame
You give guns a bad name
You play the part, but it's all a game
You give guns a bad name
You give guns a bad name

Child hunters learn these tips
Bright orange vests should be hard to miss
When war is real you act so shy
Never saw combat but can't say why
Oh oh It's a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save you
The damage is done

(Chorus)

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.