Bush Gives Thanks on 9-11 Anniversary

New York - pResident Bush honored the anniversary of the September 11th attacks by giving thanks to bin Laden and promising to "continue to milk it for all its worth"

The pResident spoke at a memorial service, "This attack stunned us all. Personally I couldn't do anything but sit there frozen and listen to 'The Pet Goat.' But then we came up with a plan, a plan to take advantage of this tragedy and use it for our own gain."

"I'd like to thank bin Laden for giving me this opportunity, wherever he is. I don't really care, but having you out there is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Thank you again, I've benefitted from this more than you have."

"I'd like to thank the American people for believing us every time we used this tragedy. I'd like to thank the victim's families, their grief has been the best political capital we've ever had. We used it to pass tax cuts for the rich, we used it to nearly eliminate enviromential regulations, we used it to spy on our political opponents, and mostly we used it to have a really big war against the guy who didn't do it."

"Who would have believed that we could keep half our army bogged down in a war against a country that had nothing to do with 9-11. I'd like to thank the American people for this blessed war, at least the 40% of you who still believe me when I say it's all about 9-11. If you weren't so damn gullible I could never pull this off."

"In the future the Republican party and I promise to keep milking this great tragedy for political gain. We're going to milk it incessantly, we'll use it in November, we'll use it in 2008 and we'll use it for every silly partisan desire that comes up in between. Thank you bin Laden and thank you America."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.