FAUX News Report - 1900

IMMIGRATION DEBATE IN WASHINGTON

Washington - Thousands rallied across the country today in support of immigrant rights. While President Mckinley is generally in favor of allowing immigration into this country, other members of his party are not so sure. With immigration steadily increasing in this country, the debate rages. We at FAUX news have brought you this unbiased report.

Republican Congressman Weit Powr commented, "In the good old days only good hard working people came to this country, except for the Irish, boy was that a mistake. We know they were hard working good people because they were white protestant northern Europeans. Today's immigrants are different, they aren't invited, they just keep coming. I'm sure all of our ancestors were invited. They don't want to fit in. Go to any immigrant neighborhood and you'll hear different languages being spoken. Today's immigrants eat different food and worship different ways. They'll never fit in, they'll never be good Americans. They don't want to assimilate, they just want to take from us, I predict if we keep letting in this lazy, un-American rabble the twentieth century will be the end of American power.

FAIR AND BALANCED

For a Balanced approach, our own Bill O'Reilly interviewed Democratic congressman Totle Wymmpe:

O'Reilly: Why do Democrats want to water down and destroy the proud American Race?

Wymmpe: We just think every hard working immigrant who comes here deserves a fair chance.

O'Reilly: We're at war with Spain and you want to let our borders go unsecured?

Wymmpe: No, no you're right we should secure our borders, it's just that...

O'Reilly: That's enough of your unpatriotic talk. There you have it folks, Democrats hate America,love the Spanish and want them to invade our country once they've destroyed the purity of the American race with dirty Catholics and Jews, who will never make good Americans.

THE OTHER SIDE FINALLY GETS A CHANCE TO SPEAK

We interviewed Ray Cyst, the leader of the anti-immigrant group The Hourmen. Mr. Cyst spoke eloquently of the dangers facing our country, "The old immigrants were hard working good people, the new ones are lazy and just want to live off our charity, plus they're all taking our jobs at the same time. The old immigrants, before the Irish, all wanted to blend in and become American. Now we have Poles, Italians, Croatians, Hungarians, Catholics and Jews all coming in. These people still speak their own languages and eat their native foods. They go to their native Cathedrals and Synagogues. Such people will never blend in and never make good Americans. This isn't what the founding fathers would have wanted."

THE WAR ON SPAIN

In other news the war on Spain goes well, despite Democratic criticism which somehow kills our soldiers. President Mckinley today landed aboard the Battleship Indiana dressed in a sailor suit beneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner, declaring an end to all fighting in the Phillipines.

In Cuba Secretary of Defense A. Nalajee spoke of the reconstruction efforts, "Things are going great in Cuba. Some say we never found the massively destructive weapons used to sink the Battleship Maine, but they're here and we'll find them. The people of Cuba have greeted us as liberators. Cuba's massive sugar reserves ensure that reconstruction will pay for itself. I predict that the people of Cuba will be so thankful that from here on out everyone in Cuba will always love America, forever!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.