Bush Promises To End Domestic Spying Scandal

Washington - pResident Bush announced today he would protect the American people from worries over illegal surveillance - by stopping the leaks.

The pResident, in a rare moment of candor, promised no such disturbing news would upset the American people again, "I promised to bring honor and integrity to the White House. I also promised last year that there would be no unconstitutional surveillance without a court order. Whoever leaked our secret surveillance program threatens the honor and integrity of this administration. They have to bear full responsibility for the consequences."

The Justice department opened an investigation of the leak, focusing on the New York Times in particular. Attorney General Elmuerto Democratias explained, "The Constitution protects the American people from being illegaly spied on by the government. Whoever leaked our secret program to spy on them broke that trust. It's obvious that the only way to protect our freedom is to punish anyone who reports on our illegal programs."

Vice pResident Doant Blemey also commented, "Our secret spying program keeps tabs on the real threats to the American people. We've already discovered Vegans, Enviromentalists, Anti-War Activists and Bicycle Riders* in our midst. Those are the enemies we were given the authority to go after in 2001. We're successfully keeping the Vegans at bay, what more do you want? Anyone who reports on such programs jeopardizes the serene complacency we've lulled the American people into. We can't have that. Remember the new national motto - 'Just Pretend Everything's OK'."


*I'm not kidding about these examples of groups the government has spied on. The Federal government, including the NSA and Army intelligence, have wasted their time watching the Vegan Community Project, Greenpeace, The Catholic Worker's Association and a meeting of twelve anti-war Quakers in Florida. The City of New York infiltrated Critical Mass, a pro-bicycle group, before the Republican Convention in 2004. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Yet they still can't catch bin Laden.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Spies on Americans

Washington - pResident Bush spoke to reporters today about his top-secret program to spy on Americans without utilizing search warrants or the legal system. Bush defended the unconstitutional program as a necessary part of the war on terror.

"We need to focus on the real enemy here - the American people." Said the pResident before explaining further. "I can't have our intelligence assets wasting their time looking for some guy named bin Laden when there's real threats here, threats from the American people. This may not be popular with radical lefties who believe in something called the constitution, but we're bringing the rule of law and Democracy to Iraq and the only way to do that is by crushing them here."

"Sure I'm no legal scholar, but when the Founding Fathers put limits on Presidential powers they didn't mean me. Or if they did, they knew the best person to interpret where those limits were was me."

"Already we've learned so much we never could have if we'd used search warrants. There's a group of twelve anti-war quakers which met earlier this year in Florida. Thanks to our sophisticated surveillance we've learned they're against the war in Iraq. Definitely a good use of our military assets. After extensive illegal investigation we also learned that Michael Moore is against the war in Iraq. We could never have learned this through legal channels, unless we watched his movie. Right now someone is making fun of me in Michigan, writing pResident instead of President when referring to me. Not only is that a threat to our country, it's just not funny, not funny at all."

Administrative spokesman Orr Wellian elaborated on the program, "Sure we could use our assets to locate bin Laden but spying on Americans is much more fun. Bin Laden can threaten your lives, but only the government can threaten your freedom. Not that we are, we're just spying on you illegaly, there's nothing wrong with that. People say George Bush is a President not a King, but don't be so sure. If a king is what we need to fight the war on terror then a king is what you're going to get. We will protect you in every way possible, legal, illegal, moral or immoral. It's not the people's place to tell the government what to do, what kind of system is this? We see no greater threat to this country than people speaking their minds and we're intent on stopping it. Remember the new national motto 'Just Pretend Everything's OK' or else."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.