Bush Replaces Miers With Saddam Hussein

Washington - The White House announced today that Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court would be withdrawn. The Miers nomination faced intense criticism from Conservatives who feared she was not as ideologically far right as possible. In response pResident Bush announced a replacement candidate whose conservatives credentials are impeccable - Saddam Hussein.

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin explained the nomination, "This will raise some eyebrows, but Saddam Hussein has a long record of absolutely conservative judgements that we think will impress our base. He's tough on crime, against affirmative action, and doesn't believe in the right to abortion, or any right for that matter. He's not overly concerned with the separation of church and state, and willing to let religious sentiments influence state policy. He expresses his faith openly and doesn't pay attention to things like liberal ideas, polls or the mainstream media."

Conservative Congressman Hypple Kritte commented, "Finally someone who's absolutely conservative about about the role of the courts in society. He won't allow the court to change it's mind, really won't allow it, he's no 'judicial activist'. No judge ever disagreed with the government line under his rule, that's the kind of conservative outlook we need in this country. He won't allow crazy 'special prosecutors' to wage frivolous hunts for government officials who lie about silly things like going to war or breaking the law. Unless it's about an intern, then such things are important."

pResident Bush himself defended his nomination, "Sure Saddam and I have had our differences, but I can see he has the heart of a true conservative. He knows dissent is unpatriotic, he believes you don't criticize a leader in a time of war. He's a strong leader who will always stay the course. He won't back down or change his mind, regardless of what 'the people' say. He'll bring a new order to the court and a new wave of definitively conservative judgements which will undo the damage done by years of liberal ideas in this country, 229 years to be exact."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Republicans Criticize Harriet Miers

Washington - In a surprising turnaround, conservatives are criticizing pResident Bush's choice for the supreme court, Harriet Miers. Conservatives are demanding more info on her past and to know how she would vote on specific issues. In response the White House released a statement, "She's a real conservative, just slightly to the left of Attila the Hun."

The response from the far right was immediate. Senator Ima Fashyst summed up the views of many conservatives, "To the LEFT of Attila the Hun? Oh great, now we're gonna get another radical hippie like O'Connor. This is not the time to compromise, not when you have 40% of the country on your side. It's about time conservatives got some power in this country."

Another conservative lawmaker, Robb Irbarren wanted to know how Ms. Miers would vote on specific issues, "Would she make sure no billionaire had to pay any taxes ever, not even parking tickets? The answer better be yes, I don't want any more communists on the supreme court, the whole thing's practically the Soviet Union as it is."

Outside Washington, many on the religious right were equally concerned. Dr. Brains Gotnone of Farmisht on the Family, a conservative religious organization, had one question for Ms. Miers, "Would you allow an abortion if the child in question was the anti-christ and the life of all humanity was in danger? The answer better be no, we don't need any more radical pro-choice feminists on the supreme court, the whole thing's pretty much a wicca meeting as it is."

Pat Robertson also questioned Ms. Miers' conservative credentials, "Does she drink the blood of the unbelievers? The answer better be yes, we don't need any more crazy anti-christian athiests on the court. The whole thing's pretty much an Al-Qaeda meeting as it is."

The Bush administration did not have much response to such reasonable conservative concerns, but pResident Bush did make one comment, "Gee, this sure does seem to have distracted everyone from Iraq."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FAUX NEWS REPORT -1105

Rome - The Papal administration reiterated it's position today that there will be no withdrawal of troops from the Middle East in the near future. The announcement came after another drop in the administration's approval ratings due to ongoing casualties and more leaks of graphic paintings from the sack of Jerusalem.

Administrative spokesman Monsignor Cott Mistellin explained the continued policy, "We're making progress every day in the Middle East, more local forces are being trained, leading to the possibility of our bringing troops home sometime this century. Leaving now, or even planning to leave during this century would only embolden our enemies. If we leave the Middle East now it will just become a hotbed of radical Islam which will threaten our way of life. By keeping our forces in the Middle East we're spreading the light of Christian civilization, which I'm sure they all love us there. This will cause our way of life to spread throughout the region. What people in other parts of the world see is not an occupation but a different way of life, so they're all going to convert to our way of life real soon. That's our plan, see how effective it is?"

Monsignor Mistellin then went on to address the reports of new paintings from the sack of Jerusalem, "There was no sack of Jerusalem. Reports of this administration encouraging the rape, torture and killing of the civilian population are all false. There were a few bad apples but they were all caught. The real problem is these theological liberals who let these paintings be released, it only helps our enemies. Not that the sack of Jerusalem ever happened, because it didn't."

The chief critic of the administration, Livvn Reelwirld commented, "When Pope Urban II called for this crusade in 1095,we were promised this would be a quick crusade, we would be greeted as liberators and the riches of the far east would more than pay for the costs of this expedition. Now our troops could be stuck there for another century or two. Didn't anyone in this administration consider that invading and occupying a muslim country might cause a protracted insurgency?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Monsignor Mistellin responded to the criticism, "This is a just war, G-d's on our side obviously. We're spreading freedom to Jerusalem and the whole Middle East. There were catapults of mass destruction. The Muslims there were in an alliance with Satan. We were attacked first, remember Spain in 711? This is all about 711, you have to remember 711. I'm out of excuses, so let me just say 711 one more time - 711."