Vatican Expels Gays From Catholic Church

Vatican City - The Catholic church announced its formal policy today to ensure that there are no longer any gay priests within the world's largest christian denomination. The policy is surprising to many and is believed to be the church's latest response to the pedophelia scandal. Vatican Spokesman Lytin Hyslofers described the rationale behind the new policy, "We were considering the direction of the church in the twenty-first century. We had the grave all picked out, with a lovely headstone, and a very elaborate coffin. And then someone said, 'hey, we could use a few more nails for this thing'."

The policy was further explained by Cardinal Inntha Klawsett, "We looked at all the serious studies showing that pedophelia is not linked to sexual orientation and most likely derives from whichever children the perpetrator has access too. We also read all the studies that most pedophiles identify themselves as heterosexual. Then we said,'Hey, we're the guys who told Galileo the sun revolved around the earth. Are we gonna go with facts when we have blind ignorance and prejudice to get us through'."

The cardinal in charge of the church's new "straight agenda" Monsignor Torr Kemawda described how the policy would be enforced, "We're going to go around to each and every parish and look for scientifically acceptable signs of gayness such as; Priests whose shoes match their vestments, Lenten banners that look just a little too colorful, incense that smells too pretty, choirs that have great harmony, all the telltale signs of an insidious gayness. If that occurs, we'll do an 'exorcism' which is top secret but will involve a keg of beer and a big screen TV showing football in the sacristy. As to the priests, they'll be expelled and excommunicated, not transferred, this gayness thing is serious, unlike good old fashioned pedophelia."

The Vatican was unavailable for further comment after the policy was announced, as it appeared to be empty.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Pro-War Rally in Washington

Washington - Dozens of Pro-War supporters rallied in Washington today, in response to yesterday's large Anti-War demonstrations. Shouting slogans such as "Give Death a Chance" "Bush Lied - More Should Die" and "Sham Democracy Isn't Free" the demonstrators were generally peaceful. The rally was organized by Unfreerepublic.com as a counter march to growing Anti-War sentiment in the US.

March leader Ignorr E. Allity stated, "We're the silent majority, the ones who don't take polls and thus aren't counted when people talk about this crazy thing called 'public opinion'. Presidents aren't supposed to pay attention to what the American people want, what kind of a crazy democracy would that be? We're transplanting freedom to Iraq, so we have to rip it out by it's roots here in order to plant it there."

Group spokesperson Kwage Meyer explained some of their positions, "Our soldiers have to die, they have to die for the WMD's that weren't found, the ties to Al-Qaeda that weren't there, the non-existent threat to the US from Saddam Hussein. To not send more troops indefinitely to die for these causes dishonors the soldiers who were forced to die for these causes. Liberals want to pack up and deny future generations the honor of dying for these worthy causes. What will our children get to die for if not George Bush's policy in Iraq? I can think of no greater cause I would want my children and grandchildren to die for, and pay for, than to keep George Bush from having to admit a mistake. That's what democracy and government accountable to the people is all about."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

In serious remembrance of Simon Wiesenthal 1908-2005

In memory of Simon Wiesenthal "The Conscience of the Holocaust". A Holocaust survivor himself, Wiesenthal dedicated his life to tracking down Nazi war criminals, aiding in the arrest and prosecution of over 1000, including Adolf Eichmann, the chief planner of the Holocaust.

Conscience of the Land
(To the tune of "Leader of the Band" by Dan Fogelberg)

A peaceful man
A hostile land
One of Abraham's sons
His life began
With modest plans
But his fate
A tragic one
They took his home
And he alone
Survived those tragic days
And he gave to us
A gift we know we never can repay

A quiet man of study
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to flee his prison once
But for most was no escape
He saved his life
Through quick thinking
And chance it sure played a hand
The torments of those tortured souls
We will never understand

The conscience of the land is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his message changed society
And his cause in in our souls
If we could make a poor attempt
To imitate the man
We'd be a living legacy
To the conscience of the land

His family's fate was different
They met a ghastly end
Some died in the prison camps
Some were shot by evil men
Lonely Simon Wiesenthal
Made sure we'd remember well
For justice was the life he chose
He sent those men to hell

We thank you for your efforts
And your stories we can keep
We thank you for remembrance
That some wanted buried deep
We thank you for staying strong
When the times they were real rough
And Simon I don't think we said
We thank you near enough

The conscience of the land is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his message changed society
And his cause in in our souls
If we could make a poor attempt
To imitate the man
We'd be a living legacy
To the conscience of the land

Why Bush Still Has Supporters

Why do nearly 40% of Americans still support George Bush? The following scenario provides a clue:

Breaking News - Bush/Bin Laden Sex Tape

CNN - The World was shocked today by the release of a tape of President Bush in bed with Osama bin Laden. In a dark bedroom with whips and chains on the wall, the President is clearly seen engaging in sex acts with the terrorist leader. Afterwards he appears to cuddle him and give him a gentle kiss. Americans across the country expressed shock and outrage at this revelation. Democratic leaders of congress called for an investigation into how such a thing could happen. European leaders called for an emergency NATO summit to deal with the crisis. Across the muslim world, large demonstrations against bin Laden and the tape occured in all major cities.

FOX NEWS - The American people have been shocked to learn that the liberal media has released a private tape of the President's in order to embarrass him. FOX refuses to join in the "blame game" but have viewed the tape. The President personally got his hands on the evil terrorist bin Laden, surprising him from behind and attacking him roughly in a cell lined with instruments of torture. The President did not let go and kept at him until bin Laden surrendered with exhaustion to the manly strength of our great leader. After his surrender the President still forcefully but bin Laden in a headlock and gave him the "kiss of death" like a true nobleman. Left wing radicals across the country attempt to criticize the President even in his moment of triumph. They refuse to see the truth. Republican congressmen have called for an immediate investigation in how this tape was stolen by the liberal media and twisted into a bizarre form of criticism of tour leader. Executive privilege should have been respected. Sissy Europeans like the French wish the President had surrendered to bin Laden rather than the other way around. Muslims across the globe hate this evidence of what the President did to bin Laden, yet liberals once again find themselves on the same side as radical muslims.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bad, Bad Michael Brown

Dedicated to the head of FEMA, Michael Brown, a political appointee whose previous experience consisted of running the International Arabian Horse Association for nine years before being fired for mismanagement.

Bad, Bad Michael Brown
(To the tune of "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" by Jim Croce)

Well the center of New Orleans Is the wettest part of town
And if you are from there
You sure must be aware
Of a man named Michael Brown

Now Michael saw the trouble
Not in one day but by day four
The convention center waited for a rescue
But Michael he didn't stir

And he's bad, bad Michael Brown
The man who let the whole country down
Got his job from W
As competent as he is too

Now Michael knows disasters
Cause he ran some horsey shows
And he learned alot from his firing
He coudn't even handle those
He got a job managing FEMA
He got a nice salary too
He wasn't really ready for the great big one
He froze up just like W

And he's bad, bad Michael Brown
The man who let the whole country down
Got his job from W
As competent as he is too

Well Friday bout a week ago
Bush thanked "Brownie" twice
And on the television
Was some people dyin'
Which sure didn't look nice
Well he said he'd done all he could
But the trouble soon began
And Michael Brown learned a lesson
Bout a government without a real good plan

And he's bad, bad Michael Brown
The man who let the whole country down
Got his job from W
As competent as he is too

Well the people started seein'
That they should have been prepared before
Michael looked like a deer in headlights
And it wasn't long til he was gone

And he's bad, bad Michael Brown
The man who let the whole country down
Got his job from W
As competent as he is too

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

The Wreck of the Bush Presidency
(To the tune of "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot)

The blame it goes on from Washington on down
To the city they called the Big Easy
The lake it was said would be over your head
If a force 5 hurricane swamped levees
With a storm surge cresting high the worst fears were realized
When the waters flowed into the city
The folks left behind were not on Bush's mind
When he left for a fundraising tour

And FEMA was run by a friend of a friend
With experience managing horse shows
As disasters do go it was bigger than most
Although many predicted its coming
The mayor too late said we must evacuate
But the poor were not loaded or aided
And later that night when the first levee broke
Could it be the neglect they were feeling?

The wind and the water made a mess of the town
And the first ones to die were the ailing
And Fox News they knew, and Republicans too
That blacks looking for water were stealing
The help came late and the poor folks had to wait
With the President still on vacation
When Wednesday came he watched from his plane
As below they continued the dyin

The superdome stank and reporters complained sayin'
"Fellas, no ones here to save ya"
At seven P.M. even Fox news caved in, they said
"My God I think folks are dyin"
The convention center had many folks without water
And til Thursday few knew there was peril
Twas only that night Michael Brown learned of their plight
Twas the wreck of the Bush Presidency

Does anyone know where good government goes
When the waves turn the minutes to hours
The searchers they said many thousands would have lived
If the response had only been quicker
They might have been drowned, or they might have been starved
They mostly just needed fresh water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters

Karl Rove spins, Mclellan grins
In the rooms of their safe ivory tower
And Fox news says Bush should get more praise
Criticism's un-American
And far from their cries where water's high
There's finally troops and water
And the poor black folks home is now the astrodome
With the four days of neglect remembered

In a musty old bar on Bourbon Street they prayed
As bodies were slowly recovered
The church bells chimed nearly ten thousand times
For preventable deaths in this country
The blame it goes on from Washington on down
To the city they called the Big Easy
New Orleans they said, now belongs to the dead
Cause the government just wasn't ready

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Cancels New Orleans Evacuation

Washington - pResident Bush today called for an end to evacuations from New Orleans and instead sent in more troops and police. The pResident defended his decision, "Things are going fine in New Orleans, this is no time to talk about withdrawals. We need to stay the course and show the world our resolve. I know the liberal media tends to portray the situation as dire, but my people assure me things are getting better every day. We must not back down in the face of terroristic hurricanes which are definitely not caused by global warming, because there is no such thing."

The pResident elaborated on the strategery of his plan, "We are making progress, we are training police, building infrastructure, giving people freedom and hope. Those who call for evacution only encourage other storms to come attack us. Things are going fine in New Orleans and getting better every day. I know some of this is hard. I feel the pain. I have witnessed the looted stores, the damaged property, I have heard the sorrow of the oil companies lost profits. Such tragedy cannot stand."

When asked about the fact that he had allocated less money than requested to the Army Corps of Engineers for the last four years, thus leaving New Orleans unprepared the pResident responded, "You can't question me, remember 9/11? You people seem to have forgotten 9/11, you have to love me."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.