FAUX News Report - 1944

Warm Springs, Georgia - President Roosevelt interrupted his vacation to talk to the press today and defend the war in Spain. Polls show that public support for the US occupation of Spain is fading as the war drags on for a third year and US casualties mount. President Roosevelt spoke to a group of WWI veterans today, "We are engaged in a global struggle against fascism and militarism. It all began on December 7th, 1941 when we were attacked at Pearl Harbor. That is why we must take the fight to the enemy in Spain, because of 12-7. Large oceans and isolationism are no longer enough to protect this country in a post 12-7 world. This war is just like the Great War of another generation, and we must prevail. Oh, and don't forget 12-7."

The administration's critics contend that invading Spain is a distraction from the global struggle against fascism. One protester camped outside warm springs stated, "Franco was not involved in Pearl Harbor, is not directly working with Adolf Hitler, and did not posess these alleged 'U-boats of mass destruction' he was going to use against us. Our army would be better spent, oh I don't know, maybe looking for Hitler in Berlin. We'd like to know what our troops are dying for in Spain."

Secretary of State Cottmeelyin Twyce defended the President's position. "Spain is a central front in the war against fascism. Francisco Franco was a fascist dictator who slaughtered his own people. Fascist German and Italian agents have been found helping his forces in Spain. We even have reports of Japanese aircraft carriers off the coast, the same kind of aircaft carriers used in 12-7. By fighting fascism in Spain, we don't have to fight it here, or in Hawaii. Having some timetable to withdraw from Spain will only embolden our enemies, and we can't back down in the fight against global fascism, not in a post 12-7 world. Have I said 12-7 enough? I don't want to get in trouble."

FAUX Radio host William O'Reilly commented on the war today, "These radical protestors hate America. I guess they would be happy if Francisco Franco was still in Power. That's because they hate freedom, there's no other reason to be upset about half our army being stuck in Spain indefinitely. Franco was an evil dictator, not the kind of person the United States could ever tolerate. We know he had U-Boats, or at least he was working on acquiring U-boats. Thank god we didn't wait until he had them. We can't leave Spain, that would dishonor whatever those soldiers who died there were sent there for. I'm not quite sure what it is this week, but I know it's related to 12-7. We have to send more soldiers to die in Spain, and keep sending soldiers to die in Spain. That will make it worthwhile, especially if we remember the shock of 12-7. Oh and did I mention 12-7, remember 12-7, think only of 12-7, you know it's all about 12-7."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

FAUX NEWS REPORT -1789

Versailles - The vacation of the King continued to be interrupted by protests outside the Royal Palace. Madame Cindee L'Sheehan, who's son died from abject poverty she blames on the royal administration, led a group of peasants in prayer just a mile from the Royal Retreat.

Madame L'Sheehan has been camped out here for a week demanding to meet with the King and have him explain why her son had to die. Said Madame L'Sheehan "Was it for luxuries enjoyed by the wealthy? Did 'big spices' or 'big silk' cause my son's death? Was it the personal vendetta of the King, using our nation's wealth for war against England and for conquests overseas? I just want to hear it from him."

The Royal Palace had little to say about the protest. Royal spokesman Cotte M'ystellin merely made a brief comment, "The actions of this government do not cause peasant deaths. It is the Woeful Massive Pestilence which causes it. These WMP's are real, despite what you may have heard. To criticize the King only emboldens our enemies in a time of great national peril. Shame this peasant woman is both treasonous and a stain upon the honor of her son, who died loving his king."

The King himself was seen riding around the royal gardens in his best carriage. When asked about the protest he said, "I have to go on with my life. I feel for her grief, this dirty peasant woman, but I can't back down in the face of foreign threats and peasant uprisings. We must stand firm, tall, erect and strong. We must not go limp in the face of danger, we must not be soft. I feel for my people, but listening to anyone who disagrees with me is not the job of a king. If I were the president of some democratic republic and over half the populace disagreed with me, then I would, but such a situation would be ridiculous."

In other news, the queen has reportedly offered to defuse the situation through the timely delivery of some delicious pastries. The whole situation is expected to end soon.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Swift Boat Mothers For Truth

Crawford - As Cindy Sheehan continued her vigil outside the pResident's Texas ranch, conservative groups mounted a counterattack on the outspoken antiwar activist. The group, Swift Boat Mothers For Truth, is dedicated to attacking the credibility of Ms. Sheehan and her legitimacy as the mother of a fallen soldier. The group claims Ms. Sheehan is not really a good mother and possibly not a mother at all.

Group spokesperson Hayder Uffreedumm stated, "We have affadavits from people in the delivery room who claim the labor was easy, not really a bother at all. It was the easiest birth ever. In addition there are reports she may not even be the mother of the soldier in question, or even have had any children. This whole 'mother' thing is just being politicized by the crazy leftists. Real mothers don't grieve, they take comfort from the freedom to worship George Bush."

Some members of Swift Boat Mothers For Truth have even taken to wearing pillows under their shirts and exclaiming, "Ooh, look at me, I'm a mother, have sympathy for me, it's such a big deal." One member, Dystorr Trealitee stated, "We have information that Ms. Sheehan, if she even was a mother, was a horrible one, letting her son stay up late, eat twinkies and watch 'R' rated movies on HBO. Now this whiny liberal wants to blame our glorious infallible leader for her failures as a mother."

pResident Bush spoke to reporters today about Ms. Sheehan, "I respect Ms. Sheehan's right to free speech, I just want her to stop exercising it. You can say whatever you want, unless you criticize me, then you're a traitor." The White House denies any connection to Swift Boat Mothers for Truth and press secretary Cott Mistellin stated, "We have no knowledge of or contact with Mike, John and Steve, I mean this patriotic group of people we have absolutely no connection to. Besides, 46% of Americans don't think the Iraq war was a mistake so we don't need to listen to the radical fringe minority 54%, that's not what democracy's about."

Other detractors of Ms. Sheehan were reported on the website Unfreerepublic.com stating, "You have the right to your opinion, as long as you don't voice it, then you're an enemy. We love freedom, just not the freedom to criticize our dear leader George. W. Bush. There's no room in a democracy for those who speak out on political issues. It's not the job of the pResident to listen to what the American people are saying."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.