FAUX News Report - 1346

Crecy - King Edward III of England is expected to give a speech to troops tonight to explain his policies in a war that appears to be losing popular support after 10 years. The king is expected to emphasize the need to maintain English armies in France despite mounting losses and increased difficulties in recruiting enough knights to fill the armies.

Last week the prince regent, Richard the Feeble Hearted claimed that the French were in their "last throes" while the commander of English forces stated there appeared no weakening of French resolve. The King's military advisor, Donald of Rum's Field spoke this week, "This war could go on for 10, maybe twelve decades. Not that I in any way disagree with Prince Richard. Soon we'll have a government of French nobles we can trust who will fight for their own freedom. It's not like this war's gonna last a hundred years or anything silly like that. The French are definitely weakening, soon they'll probably be down to armies led by little girls, hah!"

The problem of recruiting knights, as well as skilled longbowmen is continually plaguing the army. Military commander Sir Notta Kwaygmeir stated, "No, things are going fine, we've got the Frenchies on the run, we're taking their wine and eating all their French bread, oops, I mean "Magna Carta Bread" you're not writing this down are you? We're not short of knights, I just heard that there's a meeting of Young Knights of the Realm back home in England passing resolutions in support of the war. Knowing all those healthy young sons of wealth and privilege are drinking and whoring while proclaiming their support for us is the greatest asset we have. Beside we've still got plenty of cheap peasants to use as infantrymen."

All the king's spokesmen repeatedly denied that this war was about "Big Wool" needing markets in Flanders. They also denied that There was a personal grudge between Edward and king Phillip of France dating back to his father. Stated royal jester Scott of Miss Tellyn, "We're not stuck in France, victory is in sight. If we weren't there we'd have to fight Frenchmen at home. This is definitely not a quagmire, we just can't tell you when it's going to end, it's not like we'll be stuck there for a hundred years or so, ha, ha!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Army Fixes Recruiting Problems

Washington - The Pentagon announced today that it had finally found a solution to its repeated failures to meet recruiting goals. The Army will now begin to focus its efforts on a vast and so far untapped resource - young Republicans. Army spokesman Colonel Shaydes Uvveeitnom explained the new strategy, "We had pretty much depleted our standard resources: the poor, blacks and hispanics so we were desperately looking for a new source of manpower. We considered taking the ciminally insane and mentally retarded, or recruiting from Al Qaeda itself, although we wouldn't have taken bin Laden himself. Then it suddenly occured to us that this country is full of white, healthy young Republicans who vocally support this war and are eager to do their part. So we decided to shift our recruiting goals to this large segment of our society which so far is underrepresented in our armed forces."

The campaign has already been a huge succes. At a recruiting station in a wealthy suburb in Maryland, we interviewed one new recruit, Mr. Totle Hippokritt, 19. Mr. Hippokritt stated, "I was doing everything I could to support the war in Iraq. I put a 'Support Our Troops' sticker on my SUV, I called anyone who raised doubts about the war a traitor, I watched FAUX News and read Ann Coulter weekly. There was no sacrifice too great for me and my friends. Then it suddenly occured to me, there was one other way we could support our troops - join them! I was shocked that I never thought of this before. All my friends and our parents hadn't thought of it either. So I came straight down here to do my part and make my sacrifice in a war I wholeheartedly support. Any young Republican who didn't would be an unbelievable hypocrite and coward."

The leader of the local Republican party, Notte Meichylde added this comment, "Us parents were so busy telling everyone how we want and need this war some of us forgot to instill our own alleged values of patriotism and service in our children. So we've gotten together and convinced all our children of military age to quit sitting around whining and do something about a war we all believe in. If we don't send our children to die in Iraq, how can we ask anyone else to do so? I know if George Bush was of military age he would be the first to sign up for a war he believed in. And if he had any children of that age he'd be sure to send them to this war he sent so many other people's children to die in."

Army spokesman Col. Uvveeitnom reported great success so far, "This has totally fulfilled all our recruiting goals for the year. There's enough young healthy Republicans sitting around on college campuses watching FAUX news and writing angry letters to the editor to staff this army for years. This is great. For a while we thought we were going to have to recruit interns at the Heritage Foundation or the children of congressman but thankfully that won't be necessary now. The best people have to be spared this horrible war, which of course is going fine and we're totally winning. Yes, it's all worth it - honest!"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.