New Pope Promises to be "Old School"


Vatican City - Cardinal Ratzinger, newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, announced that he would be a conservative pope, returning the church to "traditional values". He announced several steps to bring the church back to its traditional nature before everything "went wrong" in his view with the coming of modern society in the 18th-20th centuries. Some excerpts from his statement include:

Marriage - "From now on marriage will be what it was in the good old days, a loveless property arrangement between families in which both people were trapped forever, except the man, who was realy allowed to do whatever he wanted, even abandon his wife."
Women - "Women priests, never, bitches better learn to keep their mouth shut. Now that's Old School."

Jews - "Let's just say we're gonna get medieval on their ass."

Muslims - "Ever hear of the Crusades?"

Protestants - "Ever hear of the Thirty Years War?"

Sin - "Whatever I say is a sin, it's a sin. But we're bringing back the 'traditional value' of indulgences, so just give us some money and you'll get to heaven."

Sex - "Lots of it, oh yeah. Oh you mean besides little boys, no, that's forbidden. No birth control, no abortion, no sex outside of marriage, no masturbation, no sex within marriage that is in any way enjoyable, but we will look the other way if a man wants to go see prostitutes, some traditions remain. Any woman who even thinks about sex will be cast into the fires of hell. Just like the good old days."

Pedophelia - "You won't hear any more about pedophelia scandals. Sure we'll still molest little boys, but no one's gonna talk about it. That's the kind of tradition we like to keep."

Rascism - "Some people say a bunch of old white men electing yet another European white male is rascism. Hey, we're diverse, in the last five hundred years we've had a Polish white man and now a German white man. Would you want some negro coming in with his pimp outfit and ho's turning this place into his 'crib' or some Hispanic tending to his mary-jo-wanna plants in the vatican gardens, or maybe some Filipino opening up a laundry in St. Peters. No, there's no rascism here, just things being done the way they ought to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

A History Lesson About Walls

This is just a parody and has absolutely nothing at all to do with current events. Honest!

Dateline: China 210 B.C.E.
The Chinese government announced plans today to complete their 1400 mile long wall despite the objections of many inside and outside of the Celestial Empire. Minister of Rites Ngo Les Unnlerned defended the announcement, "The Son of Heaven has decided in his unfallible wisdom that the only way to deal with the barbarian threat is to disengage from them and isolate our glorious Middle Kingdom. This is merely a 'security barrier' and not some ominous 'great wall' as our critics claim. In his leniency the Son of Heaven has even altered the path of the 'security barrier' to please certain geomancers, although not as was falsely reported, due to barbarian complaints."

Critics have called the wall a mistake which rules out any future peace deal with the many ethnic groups to the North. Instead many have advocated engaging in peace talks with the nomadic leaders in the hopes of learning to live peacefully with them. Others have suggested that the Emperor was swayed by the lobby of Eunuchs at court, who see a big massive wall as compensating for their own lack of virility.

Minister of Rites Unnlerned responded to these criticisms, "We have dealt patiently with the unwashed barbarians for too long. They are different than us and there is no point in trying to get along with them. We have offered the branch of peace to these inferior, dog-like creatures throughout our many campaigns to conquer them. They just don't desire an equal and just peace. Not that this wall in any way precludes the possibility of future peace deals. It is unfair of anyone to say such things. Perhaps there is bias in these 'Liberal Mandarins' who say such things and we are going to have to curb 'Mandarin Activism' by burning certain scrolls."

When asked about criticism that the wall will in fact not keep out invaders, Minister Unnlerned commented, "The history of walls has proven that they are a permanent and effective deterrent. Look at the great civilizations of the Middle East that invented walled fortifications, the former Babylonian Empire of Sargon I, The Former Assyrian Empire, The Hittites, Jericho the list goes on and on. Obviously these ancient former empires of the Middle East understood the value of walls. We want to be as secure as they are in the Middle East, they know what they're doing."

In a final statement Mr. Unnlerned added, "Now all shall see for all time the invinciblity of China. Huns, Jurchen, Mongols, Manchus, all will forever be locked out of our mighty kingdom. After all we have a wall, how is anyone ever going to get over, under or through that? The future of this dynasty and this kingdom will forever be one of peace and tranquility."


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.