Bush Administration Protects Life

Washington - In a surprise move today the Bush Administration announced the withdrawal of all American troops from Iraq. The stunning announcement came after a midnight emergency session of congress to pass a bill calling for the protection of the lives of American troops from unneccessary harm. pResident Bush flew back to Washington this morning to sign the bill. Mr. Bush said, "This is the right thing to do. With Americans dying in Iraq and no end in sight I can't stand to see another death. No Weapons of Mass Destruction were found, Saddam had no major ties to Al-qaeda and Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. Thus Americans were dying for a lie. Unlike some Democrats like Lyndon Johnson, I wasn't going to send more Americans to die just so I wouldn't have to admit I made mistakes. Human life is worth more than that. If you're going to err, err on the side of life."

Senate Majority Leader Tom Depraved commented on the bill, "It was worth it for all of us to come back for this one bill. Every human life is sacred and we can't stand to see one more American soldier die for a mistake or a lie. Us Republicans value life, unlike those Democrats. I know we'll take criticism for this, but it just shows how Conservatives are oppressed in this country. We're basically America's most embattled minority, with nothing but the White House, Senate, House of Representatives, Supreme Court, Wall Street and FAUX NEWS on our side. And sometimes people say things we don't like, proving we're being treated unfairly by this liberal controlled country."

In a related story, Vice pResident Doent Blaymey announced a new bill aimed at outlawing sulfur and mercury emissions completely. Said Mr. Blaymey, "Pollution kills, that much is obvious. I can't stand by and watch one more person die from pollution related illness. Human life is too sacred to throw away for some energy company's profits. We're going to invest in clean renewable energy sources, because Republicans value every single human life too much to wait another day. It may sound drastic, but if you're going to err, err on the side of life."

Also in the news today Secretary of State Cottmeelyin Twyce announced a tripling of America's budget for aid to developing countries. Ms. Twyce explained, "Every day children die of hunger in this world. We can't stand by and watch one more child die from preventable causes. Human life is too valuable to us Republicans. Maybe it seems like quite a change, but if your going to err, err on the side of life."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

The Identity Song

I wrote this for my European Jewish History Class


The Identity Song
(Loosely based on "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler)

What is identity
It's not simple you see
Why don't we get to be
Whoever we wanna be

Judaism has 613 rules
But not everybody
Even goes to a shul

Freud grew up Jewish and studied dreams
But didn't even keep kosher it seems
Einstein considered himself Zionist
But he was rarely seen attending a bris

Rahel Levin enchanted all the goys with her brains
Sarah Bernhardt enticed them when she got on the stage

As for Jewish writers, Kafka's a great one
He prefered to be German
But perhaps he's mistaken

What is identity
It's not simple you see
Gustav Mahler's composing was delightful and learned
He didn't daven, why in fact he converted

Benjamin Disraeli was protestant
Leon Trotsky an athiest with marxist bent

Marc Chagall painted scenes from old shtetl life
Hannah Arendt watched Eichmann plead for his life

Scholem Aleichem gave us Tevye you see
I B Singer thought Yentl trashed his story

Leon Blum was Premier in thirties France
Jacques Offenbach wrote songs which you could dance

Neils Bohr helped make atom bombs with his brain
Mikhail Gurevich designed MIG fighter planes

Marcel Proust himself was raised as a christian
Abraham Joshua Heschel studied what he was missin'

So choose your identity
It's not simple you see
These Jews of history
Were who they wanted to be

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.