Spongebob Gives in to Pressure from Religious Right

Spongebob released this statement today:


Hey kids, Spongebob Squarepants here with an important message. You've probably heard lately that I've been in a little bit of trouble. Seems that video I made telling you about something called MULTICULTURALISM didn't sit well with some people. Don't you worry about ol' Spongebob, us sponges always snap back in shape. I just had some growing up to do, like when you were little you wore daipers, then you outgrew them. While my good friend James Dobson of Focus on the Family helped me outgrow this MULTICULTURALISM.

Let me explain to you that my other video was BAD. It talked about how you should be nice to people who are different than you. Now you should be nice to people, but sometimes people can be very, very different, then you shouldn't be nice to them at all.

Sometimes there's a Mommy and a Daddy, and that's good. Sometimes Daddy gets drunk and hits Mommy because she's a dirty slut. That's not nice, but God wants Mommy to be quiet when Daddy tells her to and not make any trouble. You wouldn't make any trouble if Daddy got mad at you, would you?

Sometimes there's just a Mommy and that's cause Mommy was very bad and didn't do her Christian duty. So you should let her know she needs a Daddy or God will be very angry with her.

Sometimes there's two Mommies or two Daddies. This is bad. You should tell these people how bad they are. If you have a friend with two Daddies, tell him he's going to burn in hell forever with his sodomite Daddies.

Sometimes people look different than you. You should stay away from them. God doesn't want you to mix two different things together. That's like ketchup on ice cream, yuck!

Some people go to different churches than you. Your church is the only good one, God doesn't love the heathens. If you're confused ask your minister if God loves the President most of all. If he says yes you have the right church. If he says God loves everyone tell him he's going to burn in hell with his sodomite friends. If a church wears funny scarves or round little hats or has a statue of Mary in it know that all those people are evil and you shouldn't be nice to them at all.

If you follow Spongebob's simple rules you won't ever get into any trouble and your parents won't burn in hell or be sent to a bad place called guantanamo, which is just like hell, only for people who read the devil's paper, the New York Times.

Stay safe, stay Christian, stay white and never, never hold hands with a boy!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Spongebob's Sexuality Questioned

Colorado Springs - In a controversial move the self-described "christian values" group Farmisht on the Family has attacked the sexuality of beloved cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants. Remarks by the group to that effect have caused a great uproar in the media in recent weeks.

Dr. Brains Gotnone, the founder of Farmisht on the Family explained his stance, "We're not actually criticizing the sexuality of the little (expletive deleted) sponge who (expletive deleted) on the ocean floor with his (expletive deleted) friends in what is obviously a (you get the picture) with mayonnaise and nagahyde. Rather we're concerned that Spongebob has appeared in a video advocating tolerance for People of different cultures and lifestlyes. This upsets us. It's not the gay thing, Farmisht on the Family has always loved the gay community, I even own three Streisand Albums myself. It's the despicable interspecies sex which is so prevalent in this anti-family cartoon."

Dr. Gotnone went on to explaing Farmisht on the Family's position, "Spongebob is always holding hands and engaging in unnatural activities with Patrick, a STARFISH, whereas he is a SPONGE. G-d never meant for such interspecies relationships to happen. This 'desegregation and miscegenation' could inspire young children to engage in innapropriate relationships with those different from them. There's an 'interspecies agenda' in the media which is trying to turn your kids on to interspecies relationships through insidious propaganda like this. Just look at the 'interspecies media' Snoopy and Marcie playing wierd dressup sex games, Brian the Dog on 'Family Guy' lusting after Lois, Bugs Bunny distracting Elmer with a cross dressing seduction, Babe the Pig cavorting with herding dogs and sheep, wake up people, the antichrist is a coming into your home through your children's programs!"

Another point of view was put forth by the North American Interspecies Love Committee Respecting Interspecial Time Together Embracing Rough Sex. NAILCRITTERS spokesman Ima Shepherd stated,"This is the kind of oppression we've suffered for years. We've been forced on the margins of society for millenia, but we're coming out of the barnyard now. Even the bible sayeth 'The lion shall lay down with the lamb' It's time for us to stand up for our rights."

In response Dr. Gotnone added, "See, it all starts with a sponge and a starfish, next thing you know your kids are hanging out with sheep, negroes, Catholics, Jews, who knows where this will end."

Spongebob's press agent released a denial of all allegations today, as well as a grainy photo of Spongebob in a bubble filled sink with a scouring pad.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

In Memory of Johnny Carson 1925-2005

Monologue Guy
(To the tune of "American Pie" by Don Mclean)

A long, long time ago I can still remember how that golf swing used to make me smile
And I knew although there were gaffs
That he could make those people laugh
And maybe they'd be happy for a while
But January made me shiver With every paper they delivered
Bad news on the doorstep I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried When I read about his many brides
But something touched me deep inside
The day the laughter died

(Refrain)
So bye-bye Mr. Monologue Guy
The great Carnac will not be back At his regular time
Even Ed Macmahon just won't be laughing this time
Saying this'll be the day the jokes die
This'll be the day the jokes die

Did you watch the Tonight Show
And do you recall before Leno
If Ed Macmahon tells you so
Do you believe in comedy
Not central but on NBC
And does it always need profanity
Well I know that you were watching him
Cause you retold his jokes in the gym
You told those one liners
Man I dig those old timers
I was a lonely teenage wannabe
With a mouth that was really to big for me
But I knew who to try to be
The day the laughter died

I started singing
(refrain)

Now for twelve years we've been on our own
And Network ratings sank like a stone
But that's not how it used to be
When Floyd Turbo reeked of idiocy
And the monkeys came from Ms. Emery
And their dung it fell on you and me
And once the king went out of town
Jon Stewart stole his golden crown
Late night was not the same
The king had left the stage
And while Leno sniped at Letterman
Kilborn made fun of O'Brien
And we missed music from Severinsen
The day the laughter died

We were singing
(refrain)

Helter Skelter the ratings falter
The writers left for a sitcom shelter
Neilsens once high were falling fast
Seems executives were smoking grass
The networks tried for a replacement
With old Carson happy in retirement
Now some jokes were made don't get me wrong
And David and Jay can still be strong
We know there's still some laughs
Oh but the great days have come to pass
Cause the viewers now turn to South Park
The jokes are dirty and so dark
Do you recall each guests remarks
The day the laughter died

We started singing
(refrain)

Oh and there we were all in one place
Each generation sharing space
With no silly divisions
So come on, Johnny tell us, make us laugh
The President made a gaff
Satire is the people's trusted friend
Oh and as I watched him on the show
My belly convulsed with joy you know
No mere profanity
Could beat true wit you see
And as the guests gathered for the last night
To once more do the ancient rite
I saw Nixon laughing with delight
The day the laughter died

He was singing
(refrain)

I met a man who told the jokes
I asked him what new ones he had wrote
But he just smiled and turned away
I went down to the standup club
Where I'd laughed and smiled and grown up
But the man there said there were no jokes today
And on the news the pundits screamed
The cartoons swore and the housewifes dreamed
But not a joke was spoken
The laughtracks all were broken
And the three men I admired most
Severinsen, Ed and old Carson's Ghost
Knew we'd never replace the host
The day the laughter died

And they were singing
(refrain)

They were singing bye-bye Mr. Monologue Guy


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Rantin' on the B-Star

Allright, I admit, I'm now offically an old fogie. I watched the Sci-Fi Channel's remake of "Battlestar Galactica" and dagnabit (I wonder what the etymology of 'dagnabit' is?) I thought it was missing some of the flair of the original. Here is one pre-CGI Sci-fi fan's take on the new Battlestar:

1. Ooomph, panache, style - not here. It's darker yes, but is that better? More realistic? Once you start with an intergalactic war between an ancient human spacefaring race with faster than light travel and sentient robots, you've left the real world far behind. According to the known laws of physics, biology, astronomy and history, it's not science, it's just fiction, so why not have some fun with it.

2. Music - The slow moving subdued tones of the soundtrack lack that great Battlestar orchestra. If you're going to fly around in a silly costume battling robots you might as well do it with some really good theme music (See "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka").

3. Silly costumes - Why not? The original looks "Cheesy" today, but what pop culture from the 70's doesn't? Let's face it from our perspective everything was silly back then, Variety shows, bell bottoms, Nixon being reelected. I mean this was the decade in which almost no one knew the village people were gay. That may sound shocking today, but in the context of the 70's they really weren't that wierd. 25 years from now children not yet born will be laughing their ass off at our "impressive" CGI effects and so forth.

4. Race and Gender. Ooh, yes, Starbuck's a woman, and so is Boomer. While on the one hand now you can have sexual tension between Starbuck and Apollo (even more so than the original, I mean these guys were always a little too close, playing ball in gay roller derby outfits, always saving each other, exploring dark planets together, bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear...) but did you notice they got rid of the two major black characters? No black buddy for the pilots now, as a matter of fact no blacks will fly vipers or give orders to whites, Strom Thurmond's vision of the future has come to Sci-fi. Sure in the old one Colonel Tigh (Now an asshole) was a one-dimensional character, and Boomer had a criminal record (stealing hover cars on Caprica) and probably if Edward James Olmos had been on the original series he would have been operating a fusion-powered leaf blower on the agro-ship but, Oh well I'm not sure I had a point, other than "Did we lead a ragtag fugitive fleet, or did a ragtag fugitive fleet lead us?"

5.Baltar - This whiny, crazy traitor (albeit with one hot cylon mind-xxxx-ing him, wooh! can I get a "by your command" here?) lacks the fun of that theatrically evil, over the top I-just-came-from-the-set-of-Batman-does-this-cape-make-my-butt-look-big-ooh-a-new-Streisand-Album-you-will-suffer-a-fate-worse-than-death, James Bond villianness that the original had.

6. Cylons - Sexy robots aside, These deadly Cylons are no fun. I want the boxy, clumsy wind-up cylons back.

Speaking of Boxy, I approve of the lack of a small child and his robot dog as major characters. I also do like the fact that the special effects no longer involve the same three shots of cylons being shot down reworked and re-edited over and over. There were things I liked, but you'll know this baby's jumped the space shark when they land on the wild west planet looking for supplies. I give it one season, then it's OK corral time for these angsty space rascists.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.