Bush Spies on Americans

Washington - pResident Bush spoke to reporters today about his top-secret program to spy on Americans without utilizing search warrants or the legal system. Bush defended the unconstitutional program as a necessary part of the war on terror.

"We need to focus on the real enemy here - the American people." Said the pResident before explaining further. "I can't have our intelligence assets wasting their time looking for some guy named bin Laden when there's real threats here, threats from the American people. This may not be popular with radical lefties who believe in something called the constitution, but we're bringing the rule of law and Democracy to Iraq and the only way to do that is by crushing them here."

"Sure I'm no legal scholar, but when the Founding Fathers put limits on Presidential powers they didn't mean me. Or if they did, they knew the best person to interpret where those limits were was me."

"Already we've learned so much we never could have if we'd used search warrants. There's a group of twelve anti-war quakers which met earlier this year in Florida. Thanks to our sophisticated surveillance we've learned they're against the war in Iraq. Definitely a good use of our military assets. After extensive illegal investigation we also learned that Michael Moore is against the war in Iraq. We could never have learned this through legal channels, unless we watched his movie. Right now someone is making fun of me in Michigan, writing pResident instead of President when referring to me. Not only is that a threat to our country, it's just not funny, not funny at all."

Administrative spokesman Orr Wellian elaborated on the program, "Sure we could use our assets to locate bin Laden but spying on Americans is much more fun. Bin Laden can threaten your lives, but only the government can threaten your freedom. Not that we are, we're just spying on you illegaly, there's nothing wrong with that. People say George Bush is a President not a King, but don't be so sure. If a king is what we need to fight the war on terror then a king is what you're going to get. We will protect you in every way possible, legal, illegal, moral or immoral. It's not the people's place to tell the government what to do, what kind of system is this? We see no greater threat to this country than people speaking their minds and we're intent on stopping it. Remember the new national motto 'Just Pretend Everything's OK' or else."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
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