Thanksgiving Turkeys Tortured

Washington - It was reported today that the two presidential turkeys allegedly pardoned this week were in fact tortured by the CIA. Earlier this week pResident Bush pardoned the two turkeys, named "Marshmallow" and "Yam" and claimed they were being sent to Disneyland. New information leaked from the CIA confirms that "Disneyland" is in fact a code name for prisons in Eastern Europe where suspects are tortured. Anonymous sources confirm that Marshmallow and Yam were suspected of being part of a worldwide bird flu plot.

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin was quick to respond to the allegations, "We do not torture, these allegations are false. Those turkeys are even now riding the rides at Disneyland and eating cotton candy. There is no secret prison #712 in Eastern Europe where these turkeys are slowly drowned in cranberries until they talk. People who think this are aligning themselves with PETA and the radical left who want to stop bird torture, not that we do it, honest."

Vice pResident Doant Blemey also commented on the story, "This is irresponsible. To lie about our lying would be a big lie, since we don't lie, and that's a lie, or not, I'm confused now. I will say we don't torture, and it's horrible that people keep trying to stop us from doing it. They're just soft on the bird flu epidemic, which comes from China I might add. We need to use every means available to find out about that flu. Not that we use any means, but if you stop us from using any means you endanger this country. So let us do it, not that we do, but we need to, you know what I mean. The real problem is news media outlets that report our torturing of birds. That only encourages our enemies, not the torture itself, which we don't do - honest."

In other news, a leaked memo from the British government reports that Tony Blair had to dissaude pResident Bush from bombing turkey when he first heard about the bird flu. The British government is denying the story and punishing anyone who leaks such information, which doesn't exist, honest.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
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