New Pope Promises to be "Old School"


Vatican City - Cardinal Ratzinger, newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, announced that he would be a conservative pope, returning the church to "traditional values". He announced several steps to bring the church back to its traditional nature before everything "went wrong" in his view with the coming of modern society in the 18th-20th centuries. Some excerpts from his statement include:

Marriage - "From now on marriage will be what it was in the good old days, a loveless property arrangement between families in which both people were trapped forever, except the man, who was realy allowed to do whatever he wanted, even abandon his wife."
Women - "Women priests, never, bitches better learn to keep their mouth shut. Now that's Old School."

Jews - "Let's just say we're gonna get medieval on their ass."

Muslims - "Ever hear of the Crusades?"

Protestants - "Ever hear of the Thirty Years War?"

Sin - "Whatever I say is a sin, it's a sin. But we're bringing back the 'traditional value' of indulgences, so just give us some money and you'll get to heaven."

Sex - "Lots of it, oh yeah. Oh you mean besides little boys, no, that's forbidden. No birth control, no abortion, no sex outside of marriage, no masturbation, no sex within marriage that is in any way enjoyable, but we will look the other way if a man wants to go see prostitutes, some traditions remain. Any woman who even thinks about sex will be cast into the fires of hell. Just like the good old days."

Pedophelia - "You won't hear any more about pedophelia scandals. Sure we'll still molest little boys, but no one's gonna talk about it. That's the kind of tradition we like to keep."

Rascism - "Some people say a bunch of old white men electing yet another European white male is rascism. Hey, we're diverse, in the last five hundred years we've had a Polish white man and now a German white man. Would you want some negro coming in with his pimp outfit and ho's turning this place into his 'crib' or some Hispanic tending to his mary-jo-wanna plants in the vatican gardens, or maybe some Filipino opening up a laundry in St. Peters. No, there's no rascism here, just things being done the way they ought to be."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2005 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.