If Bush Were A Roman Emperor

Rome 476 A.D.
Emperor Romulus Dubyus spoke to the Senate today on the rumors of barbarian armies at the gates of Rome itself, "There are no barbarians in Italy. My war on barbarianism has made us all secure. We have never been safer. In addition, you must support all my policies because of the barbarian threat, this is no time for quarreling. This is not contradictory, anyone who says so is an unpatriotic enemy of Rome. We have defeated the barbarians wherever we found them, spreading freedom and Roman civilization throughout the known world. The liberal scrolls you read that claim otherwise are biased."

The head of the Praetorian Guard, Rumus Feldus, then addressed the military situation, "The legions are doing fine, they are winning the war against barbarianism. We have always been winning, and we continue to do so. Don't ask when the victory is coming, such talk is defeatist. Anyone who asks how many soldiers have been killed, or wants to have a memorial for them, obviously doesn't support our troops. Don't tell me you can hear the barbarian armies outside the gates, such talk is unpatriotic. And I don't want to hear how the legions don't have enough armor. You go to war with the legions you've got. The barbarians from Germania are now suffering our wrath, as we have deployed three more legions to Mesopotamia. That will show them, hah!"

The Chief of the Imperial treasury, Deficitus Perpetuum, then spoke, "The Imperial finances are in great shape. They've never been better. This is no time to cut spending or raise taxes on the long-suffering Patricians who truly make this Empire great. We can continue to spend money as long as needed, and debase the coinage to cover our deficits, it doesn't matter in the long run. In addition, we will privatize the 'Bread and Circuses' granted to the people, as well as the pensions given to retired soldiers. This will relieve the burden of the taxpayer as well as give the people more economic control over their future. Privatization will in no way reduce benefits, trust us on this. I predict the economy of the Empire is entering a new golden age to last for centuries."

Chief Consul for Religious Rites Non Tolerans spoke next, "We have found our way back to good religious values. It's time the education of our youth reflected this. Let us focus on one solid, narrow interpretation of religion to be taught to our young. Give all power in society to the churches and have done with all this 'pagan' ancient greek geometry, engineering, astronomy. I hear one greek named Aristarchus even said the Sun was the center of the universe and not the earth! No more of this foolishness. Let us be done with science and I foresee a glorious future for the Empire to last centuries."

Commentary was provided by the Imperial Poetess Annus Coulterus, "The Empire has never been stronger. They know exactly what they are doing. We are taking a strong stance against barbarianism. Some would have the Republic restored, let the people vote on their leaders. Bah! The Republic is what caused the barbarian invasions in the first place. ' Republicans' all hate the Empire and everything it stands for. They talk of freedom, blah, blah. What they really mean is 'I hate Rome, I hate the Emperor, I hate all Roman culture and values.' These 'Republicans' all WANT the barbarians to conquer Rome. Only Emperor Dubyus can protect us from them, only he had the courage to send our legions to Mesopotamia to wipe out these Germanic scum. Under his leadership this Empire is entering a new golden age, which I predict will last centuries."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.