Ann Coulter's Secret Revealed

Finally the truth can be told:

Strap On Veterans For Truth

With sincere apologies to drag queens everywhere.

Bush More Consistent in War on Terror

Washington - The Bush Administration announced today that as a demonstration of it's consistency in the war on terror it would arrest key officials from the Reagan administration, including members of the current administration.
Vice President Dick Cheney made the announcement, "I promised the American people in my debate with John Edwards that we would go after anyone who sponsors terrorism, or helps states get wmd's and we would be consistent in that. Therefore I called the department of Homeland insecurity and had myself placed under arrest for my congressional ties to the funding of Osama bin Laden and the Mujahedin in the 1980's. In addition, as secretery of defense I covered up Pakistan's acquisition of nuclear weapons. The world is not safe with someone like me running around."
Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin elaborated, "This administration is dedicated to going after anyone who sponsors terror or evil dictators bent on acquiring WMD's. Therefore we have ordered the following people arrested for their efforts to support fund Osama bin Laden and his radical group of muslim terrorists during the Reagan administration: James Baker, George Bush Sr., Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and many others. The Reagan administration had actual, verfiable ties to bin Laden and his networks. In addition they funded the power mad dictator Saddam Hussein, even sending Donald Rumsfeld personally to Baghdad to shake hands with this evil dictator."
pResident Bush announced his support for the new plan, "Yes we arrested my Daddy, but it's necessary, he supported the man who tried to kill my Daddy. I promise to be consistent in the war on terror, unlike that flip-flopper Kerry who's for the war in Iraq when he thinks America's in danger and then against it when he find out we weren't in any danger at all. This gang of evil supporters of terrorism must be arrested, we will hunt down anyone who worked for the Reagan Administration and bring them to justice for arming and training bin Laden. How's that for a clear constant position the American People can respect?"
Looking forceful and resolute, the pResident went on, "Uh, um, oh, uh, I will never waver in this war, I will always be consistent. During the attack on 9/11 I read 'My Pet Goat' for seven minutes before taking any action. Therefore I will always read 'My Pet Goat' for at least seven minutes whenever America is under attack, whether it be a fast nuclear missile in the air from North Korea, or a terrorist with nuclear weapons demanding an immediate response. I will be consistent. I will cut off all relations with Saudi Arabia where 15 of the 19 hijackers came from. I won't even send my friends the Saudis a Christmas card this year."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Why bin Laden Supports Bush

Dear Voter, My name is Osama bin Laden and I would like to announce my support for the candidacy of George W. Bush for President of the United States. I know what you're thinking, you're wondering why the leader of the great anti-Western Jihad would support the leader of the forces opposing me. I admit that Mr. Bush and I have had our differences over the years. I successfully attacked America on his watch and am still roaming free. He invaded my base in Afghanistan, deposed my Taliban allies and sent me and my forces on a desperate run for survival. Of course I will never forgive him for this.
But it's an election year and I think we should all think about the future. On the one hand all American politicians are my enemy and there really isn't any difference between them. The dog Clinton tried to assasinate me with cruise missiles as I recall. But all successful politicians are pragmatists and that's why I have decided to support the candidacy of George W. Bush for President.
My real reason of course is Iraq. We both agree that the proper course is for half the American army to be bogged down in Iraq for years to come. We both agree that no matter how many American lives are lost it is best for the conflict to go on. We both agree that it's best if America ignores the opinion of the muslim world, the wider world and even many Iraqis themselves in it's pursuit of this war.
Of course I have my personal reasons for supporting the war in Iraq. In 2002 many of my best fighters were dead or captured and the rest of us were on the run from the supierior American fighting machine. But then we were saved as Bush began moving troops away from hunting us to prepare for his war in Iraq. Today I am safer than at any time since sept. 11, and my forces and those of the Taliban are growing in size and power.
Bush's decision to invade Iraq not only ended the American military focus on Afghanistan, but on Al-Qaeda as a whole. Instead of hunting us the Americans are bogged down in Iraq. Ironically I had no ties to Saddam Hussein, as the 9-11 commission and your own Senate intelligence reported. Thus I laugh every time Bush or Cheney call Iraq part of the "War on Terror"
Of course now that America is in Iraq I have sent soldiers to fight you there. Iraq has proven to be my biggest recruiting tool ever. If I had sat around planning what I most wanted George Bush to do in 2003, I don't even know if my wildest dreams would have been as pleasant to me as the war in Iraq is.
By invading a muslim country that is now proven to have been no threat to the US, with no WMD's and no real ties to terrorism, George Bush has unleashed a torrent of hatred of the US. This has greatly increased my recruiting among muslims of many nations. Young men who never would have risked their lives before now willingly join my call to Jihad. You have even alienated your allies, thus reducing support for your war on terror in the future.
As the war goes on, more will join my call. Every time they kill an American your military will call for revenge. The more you use force in Iraq the more civilians will die, and thus more recruits will be sown for future operations. It will be like your Vietnam war. You will always want to be tough on your enemy, so you will use bombs and guns. More civilians will die, and a cycle of hatred will develop among the people you claim to liberate. You will be weak elsewhere as half your army is bogged down and the rest exhausted, demoralized and overstretched.
That is why I agree wholeheartedly with the way George W. Bush is pursuing the war on terror and that is why I support him for President of the United States.
Sincerely,
Osama bin Laden


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.