News Reports - Decision 1776

Philadelphila - The campaign took a decided nasty turn today when the Continental Congress declared the independence of the colonies from Great Britain. Congressional spokesman Thomas Jefferson declared, "King George must not be allowed to rule any longer, his term is up. He's only king because he comes from wealth and privilege and his father was king. Kings are supposed to rule by divine right, but we have good evidence that G-d was deliberately kept from voting in that election. King George is insane, out of control, and destroying the liberties of the people. We choose the decorated veteran George Washington to lead us."

Thomas Paine added a note on the personalities of the two candidates, "King George supported the French and Indian War, but did he fight in it, no. His Father got him a cushy appointment in London. George Washington fought verily well in that war, he's a brave leader suche as we need in these troubled times. King George has the empire involved in fighting on the other side of the world in India. He claims that sending our tax dollars for the war in India protects the colonies. We could use that money at home for the goode healthe of the people."

A counterpoint on the candidates was issued by town crier Rupert Foxxe, who stated, "Hear ye, hear ye, The coward Washington is a traitor threatening the security of the colonies. I happen to have heard from a group of veterans who marched many miles in the French and Indian wars that Washington's record is exagerrated. These 'Veterans who are swift of boot' say Washington barely fought in the war and did not in fact distinguish himself. He also takes money from the French to fight our g-d given King George. So he fights the French in one decade and takes their money the next, he be a horrible flopper and flipper, as well as a French lover. They doth say he even looks French. And that Martha Washington is said to be too outspoken for her own good, unlike the quiet queen who probably won't even be mentioned in history books. Only King George has the foresight to keep the colonies safe by maintaining large forces in India where curries of spicy destruction are manufactured daily and the heathens will not eat of g-d's delicious cow."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd

Florida Hurricanes Bring Big Changes to Disney

Several years ago Pat Robertson promised that G-d would bringretribution to Florida for Disney letting gays enter the park andeat decent heterosexual eight dollar cotton candy (or something likethat). Today Disney announced that in the wake of the recenthurricanes it was apologizing to Mr. Robertson for ignoring histhreats and would make the following changes:

1. The Pirates of the Caribean will now dress much lessflamboyantly, and Johhny Depp's overly effeminate character will bereplaced by Arnold Schwarzenneger for the sequel.

2. Peter Pan will get a new sidekick who will definitely NOT benamed "Tinkerbell."

3. Alladin will announce his conversion to Christianity and AnnCoulter will personally take over security of all future magiccarpet rides, using racial profiling to determine who can and can't fly.

4. The seven dwarves better get some dwarffettes real quick, if theywant to keep working for Disney.

5. Bambi's mom will not only be graphically shot, but shown to begutted and served up in a new ride called "Ted Nugent's PETA (PeopleEating Tasty Animals) Bar-B-Cue."

6. Mickey will publicly marry Minnie, ending nearly eight decades of rumors about his "Steamboat Willy."

7. Tarzan will put on some clothes and not spend so much timeplaying with his monkey.

8. Cinderella will submit graciously and accept her low payingposition as a housekeeper instead of asking for a "handout" from bigFairy Godmother.

9. Gepeddo will now make wooden girls to fulfill his fantasieswith. Perverted, but more socially acceptable.

10. Operation Dumbo Drop II: This Time it's Personal will starDennis Leary as a brave Texas Air National Guard officer protectingthe Elephants of Houston from marauding Viet Cong guerillas.*

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

*By the way, what idiot decided that Vietnam would be a goodbackground to a kid's movie? Granted so many kids were involved inthe war, but I don't think it was a happy fun time for most of them.

Bush Defines Courage

Washington - The White House announced today that it would be reviewing the records of all American military personnel awarded medals and revoking the awards for those deemed unsupportive of pResident Bush. Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin explained the new policy, "People thought we were crazy to belittle Kerry's military record, or to go after veterans like Max Cleland or John McCain. We'd like to point out that real courage is the kind of courage one sees in the pResident and not in some silly swift boat skipper playing on the sunny shores of the Mekong Delta. Therefore we have officially made the definition of courage and honor 'unflinching, unthinking total support of George W. Bush, right or wrong'. That's the kind of courage we need. All Americans who lack this courage do not deserve medals. Real men are brave enough to read 'My Pet Goat' while America's under attack, real men can join the Air Guard instead of going to Vietnam, and skip most of that duty. Real men have this kind of courage, because they unfailingly follow George W. Bush."

The Department of Homeland Insecurity announced that under the new rules, it would be reviewing the records of all Americans who fought in Iraq and any previous wars for suspicion of cowardice. Department Spokesman Orr Wellian explained the criteria for determining cowardice, "Voting Democrat, being related to Democrats, reading the New York Times, questioning anything the pResident does or says, not believing invading Iraq was a necessary step in capturing Osama bin Laden, saying WMD's have not been found in Iraq, or any mention of the word 'enviroment.' John Kerry is a coward, he's proven it time and again, so this isn't politics, but a statement of fact."

The reaction from the Pentagon was muted. Reports state that almost all medal winners in American History meet the new criteria for cowardice and the Pentagon was reportedly interested in honoring courage in the face of enemy fire by all Americans. Fortunately for the Bush administration all dissenters in the Pentagon have been fired for cowardice.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Producitons. All Rights Absurd.