Drunks For Truth

Washington - The Bush campaign announced a lawsuit today against a group "Drunks for Truth" which has been running a massive ad campaign attacking the pResident's war record. The ads, which feature veterans of the Texas and Alabama Air National Guard, claim Bush's military record during the Vietnam era has been greatly exagerrated.

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin attacked the accuracy of the ads as well as the agenda of the group, "These people may have technically served in the Air Guard during the Vietnam war, but they didn't actually drink with the pResident. Some of them rarely went to bars, and I know for a fact that one of them has been a lifelong teetotaler. To claim that they went through what the pResident went through during that difficult time of national crisis is just despicable. This is all part of the vicious smear attack of the lying, cheating, whoring, devil-worshipping, sheep-shearing Kerry campaign which uses 'Bush-Bashing' and unfair childish name calling to bring dirty politics into American culture."

The group "Drunks For Truth" themselves claims Bush's record during these years is not only exagerrated, but often completely false. Bush's reputed alcholism is said to have been no more than a mild fondness for white wine spritzers which caused him to oversleep, miss a physical and lose his flight status. Bush's driving record is purported to have been no more than reckless driving and not a DWI. And Bush's never-denied cocaine use is reported to have been no more than a minor incident involving a spilled packet of sweet-n-low and three shots of expresso.

The Bush campaign vigorously attacked the credibility of the group. Bush campaign spokesperson Watt Irgate commented, "Some of these guys claim they went through what the pResident did in those years but that's false. One guy who appeared in the ads talking about DWI's really only has a few speeding tickets and a failure to yield on his record. And cocaine, hah! Most of these guys wouldn't know good Columbian powder if it was poured over them with a dumptruck. As to drinking, none of these guys put together could hold a beer bong to the pResident in those years. They were sippin' 3.2 while the pResident was downin' jack like it was soda pop. The pResident's war record is well known and we don't have to answer such lies from people who didn't really serve with him. Most of them spent their duty hours on base flying planes or some bullshit like that. We know this for a fact because their records don't have any unfortunate gaps - so there!"

The Kerry campaign meanwhile has avoided any mention of the ads. Kerry is reportedly uneasy about an open comparison of the two candidates war records, as he was believed to have been more concerned with dodging bullets and rescuing wounded soldiers than braving shots at the bar.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Based on a true story.

Once upon a time there was a peaceful village. The village had a lot of sheep and they were guarded by a shepherd. His name was George. George was appointed shepherd because his father was a shepherd. Some of the sheep objected, but uncle Tony on the village council overruled them. Sometimes sheep can be silly. George liked being a shepherd. Mostly he sat around and thought about his pet goat. Sure there was that one vicious wolf attack while he was guarding the sheep, but that wasn't really his fault, wolves do that sort of thing.

As time went on, George found the sheep sometimes started saying not nice things about him. George didn't like this. One day when he heard the sheep grumbling he called out "wolf!" All the sheep stopped grumbling and the entire village came out and saw that there was no wolf. But they took George's word that there must have been a wolf. After all everyone knew wolves were real and remembered that vicious wolf attack on George's watch, which wasn't his fault at all. So the sheep decided George was looking out for their best interests.

A little while later, George got mad at the village over the hill, who insulted his daddy. So George cried "wolf!" and all the villagers came and formed a posse. George said the wolf came from the village over the hill. Everyone knew the people in that village fed the wolves and might be plotting to poison the wells. Now the funny thing is the posse didn't find any wolf food in the village, or any poison. But the sheep decided George meant well anyway, and who would you rather trust, your shepherd who guards you or those dirty villagers from over the hill. And George's friend Al Iberton got a nice deal selling in the market of the village over the hill. So everyone was happy.

One day the sheep started grumbling again. Some sheep started saying that maybe another shepherd could do a better job. Then George cried "wolf!" and all the grumbling stopped. Everyone knew wolves were real, and there was that vicious terroristic wolf attack three years ago on George's watch. Surely George wouldn't make up a story like a wolf. Wolves were too serious to be used for fun and games. The news was passed on by the FOX, who told the sheep that only George could protect them from the wolves. So the sheep decided George was doing the best job he could under the circumstances and no one else could possibly scare off wolves like him.

The wolves meanwhile were watching the whole thing from up on the ridge and laughing to themselves. You see to a wolf all shepherds are just sheep loving infidels and they fear and loath all of them equally. They didn't care who was shepherd, they just wanted to get at the sheep. They did enjoy seeing a good sheep scare though, and George's constant crying wolf certainly did keep the sheep scared despite the fact that the wolves hadn't attacked that flock in three years. So the wolves felt things were going OK. Everyone thought they were all powerful and scary, and the posse was still bogged down in the village over the hill and had pretty much forgotten to look on the ridge.

And you know, one day the wolves did attack the flock. And some of the sheep thought George was doing a bad job of guarding them. But by that time the village had appointed George Shepherd-for-Life and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

The moral is: sometimes when you cry "wolf" often enough, you get everything you want.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.