FAUX News Internal Memos
 
The documentary "Outfoxed" has released a set of memos by FOX Chief John Moody telling his staff what spin to put on stories.  More memos were found recently by the Hoolinet.  Here are some examples:

"...Therefore in the future all reporters will work on news stories in groups of three: one to read the information, a second to write down commentary, and a third to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals."

"When reporting how dangerous the world is and making sure everyone is scared half to death that a terrorist is around every corner, reporters must remember to keep a straight face when saying, 'pResident Bush has made America safer'."

"Drop all references to Cheney swearing on the senate floor.  Instead be outraged at Teresa Heinz Kerry's use of 'shove it.'  Could we get Bill to do a story on how shocked he is at the decline of civility in America?  btw, Heinz Ketchup is red, communists are red, anyone got a story there, just a thought."

"How bout a historical piece exposing the withdrawal of swift boats from naval service because of fraternization with the enemy? Any story that mentions the purple heart in any way should be accompanied by a sneer about 'that little trinket'.  Maybe we could look into building up the threat of Vietcong Suicide bombers flying in from Mexico?"

"Kobe's innocent, his accuser is a whore and out for money, the prosecutor is out of control.  But we must be 'fair and balanced;)' how about four panelists who think she's in it for money, and one on the other side who thinks she's a dirty slut? The moderator could calmly suggest that it's just an example of activist prosecutors out of control.  Make it a good shouting argument, that should keep the damn liberals off our back."

"Abortion clinics will now be called 'death camps' abortion activits will be called 'angels of death'.  Eric Rudolph will be called 'the angel of mercy'. Roe v. Wade will now be called 'that Nazi Law', but don't make any derogatory references to the Fuhrer, no point in alienating some of our audience."

"The New York Times is in New York, 9-11 happened in New York, do I have to draw you people a picture?"

"Could we imply the intifadeh is G-d's punishment for Israel's murder of our lord without weakening our 100% commitment to Israel right or wrong?"

"I had a layover in Singapore last week and those dirty japs confiscated my chewing gum.  How about using the phrases 'weapons of mass destruction' 'terrorists' 'links to Al Qaeda' and '9-11' in any stories mentioning Singapore for awhile.  Don't make any outright claims, but just keep saying it over and over and we'll see what happens to those little hindoos or whatever they are."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

2004 Election Results Announced Today

Washington - In a surprise move today, the White House announced that the final results of the 2004 election were in. Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin commented, "With the threat of terrorism surrounding the election, we went to those perfect strangers we have no connection to at Diebold inc. and asked if there was anything they could do to smooth things over.  Well it turns out Diebold machines are so sophisticated they were capable of predicting with a 99.9999999999% accuracy the intentions of likely voters, within the parameters of Diebold's top secret voting algorithms.  Thus we were spared the turmoil of another election and are now able to announce the results without even telling the Supreme Court what to do.  Of 144 Million votes cast, 135,000 were for John Kerry, 25,000 for Ralph Nader, 1,347 for Ralph the Wonder Llama and 537,647,132 for George W. Bush.  That is all, thank you and G-d Bless America."

   The timing of the results as well as the figures has raised some questions among voters, but there has been little interest from the fanatically liberal media.  Said one drugged-up cross-dressing hippie CNN spokesman, "Heck, if we had the balls to really investigate this whole Diebold thing, don't you think we would have started asking hard questions a long time ago?"  A heroin shooting hooknosed intellectual from the New York Times added, "Our lack of serious criticism of the whole electronic voting phenomenon has yielded conclusive results that everything is fine."  A strong, masculine, patriotic christian commentator for FAUX news added, "George W. Bush is our infallible Golden G-d, only he can protect us from terrorists, everything is fine, really. Of course democracy is safe, if it wasn't the Bush administration would have told you so."

  In response to the criticism, the president of Diebold inc. Mr. Mack E. Ovelly released this statement, "All votes were counted fairly.  The Diebold machines ran a self-diagnostic that says everything was done on the up and up.  We'd show you the software but that's a secret.  The extremely high number of votes cast for George Bush reflects the passion the American voter feels for this great American leader whom I have never met and have no connection to whatsoever. There is no need for a paper trail, this is the twenty-first century, not the Alabama Air National Guard. We now have the capability to predict elections well in advance, thus sparing the voter the agonizingly long campaign season."

  Department of Homeland Insecurity head Tom Ridge raised the terror alert status during the election from Gray (Suspicious - something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it or come up with definitive proof) to Black (Orwellian - Something is definitely wrong but you'll keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you, you are patriotic, aren't you?).  Said Mr. Ridge, "Anarchists, terrorists, voters, who knows who could have meddled with an election.  Thanks to our good friends at Diebold, who I have never met and don't even know their names, democracy is safe in this country, everyone just keep quiet and everything will be fine, just fine."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
 Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Phillipines to be Renamed "Freedom Islands"
 
Washington - Upset over the Phillipines decision to withdraw it's entire 51 person contingent of troops from Iraq, the White House has now decreed by executive order:

1. The Phillipine Islands will be henceforth referred to as the "Freedom Islands" in all geography textbooks and maps throughout the country.  Anyone not complying will be sent to Guantanamo and forced to do things which will soon be declared unconstitutional.

2. All Manila Envelopes will now be legally called "Freedom Envelopes". Anyone who refers to them as anything else will be forced to listen to a Dennis Miller "Hatefest" about the Kerry/Edwards ticket.

3. All people named Phillip must change their name to either George or Dick.  Anyone caught using the name Phillip will be sentenced to five months as Martha Stewart's cell decorating assistant.

4. All history books quoting Douglas Macarthur will be changed to the following, "I have returned you ungrateful bastards." Any books not compying will be personally burned by John Ashcroft while he sings "Let the Eagles Soar" all in the name of freedom and American Values of course.

In addition, the three soldiers the US still has pursuing Bin Laden will now be sent to attack the "Freedom Islands" before being transferred to Iraq to continue the search for WMD's.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

John Ashcroft Sings For Michael Moore

After witnessing John Ashcroft's wonderful musical performance in "Fahrenheit 9/11" I thought maybe he'd like to sing for Michael Moore's next film. I thought I'd suggest something. Why...
...because I can.
Mike We Spite
(To the tune of "Mack the Knife" as sung by John Ashcroft)


Oh the truth is just such a bore
We should hide it from the light
Just a camera has Michael Moore
Wish he'd keep it out of sight

When Wolfowitz sucked his comb for
Spit shine beauty upon his head
Nasty footage has Michael Moore
Wish that somehow, someday he'd end up dead

Bombs in Iraq, it sure looked gory
Lots of bodies, countless lives
Someone's showing things we ignore
Could that someone be Mike we spite

From a fish boat, to a golf course swinging low
A vacation is going down
You know that real work is for suckers though
You can make a large bet that Dubya's out of town

Our friends the Bin Ladens, they split the scene babe
After giving to all the Bush's theri cash
All Saudis got out free and clear
Don't you suppose our boy he did something rash

Old KBR, Halliburton, sweetheart deals
Found this war nice, lotsa profit too
They all jumped in, with so much feeling
That old Dubya, like his Daddy, he's good for you

And with Scalia, fully behind me
Come down hard, jack, I know I can't lose
When I throw out, your civil liberties babe
It's an offer, you can never refuse

We got Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney slaying that EPA
And terror alerts, building up your fear
All the fat cats, in control now
FAUX News is the only truth that you should ever hear

Oh Micheal Moore, leave us alone, if you only, know what's good for you

When Bush sat there, so dumbfounded
Wish he'd had his flight suit then
You better shred your notes and call up FAUX
Because Michael's still around


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.