Bush Military Records Released

In response to criticism of his war record, the Bush administration today released this rebuttal:

1. Not one Vietcong Bomber got past Houston during the period 1968-
1972. The price of Freedom is eternal vigilance.

2. Kerry may have three purple hearts, but Bush took many shots
himself during this period. Freedom comes with a high price.

3. Bush cleverly did not let an enemy learn his whereabouts during
his time in Alabama, he literally could not be found. That's the
kind of strategy that comes straight from Sun-Tzu.

4. By losing his flight status by 1973, Bush saved the country from
further gas shortages during the oil crisis. Always the
enviromentalist.

5. Bush also contributed to the war on drugs in the early 70's,
helping to get drugs off the streets. One gram at a time.

6. Bush used his time in Alabama to work on a congressional campaign
instead of flying. "War is a continuation of politics by other
means" classic Clausewitz, I tell you the man is a genius.

7. Unlike Kerry, Bush did not make the mistake of throwing any
medals OR ribbons OR whatever decorations onto the capitol
steps. "No one ever won a war by dying for his country, the point
is to get the OTHER SOB to die for his country" George Patton

8. Bush's "Champagne Brigade" suffered fewer casualties than almost
any other unit in the Vietnam war. As Napoleon said, "Is he lucky?"
Yes, very.

9. When he couldn't get in the Air Guard, Bush had Daddy get him
in. How many people beg their parents to get them In the military?
Brave and resourceful.

10. Unlike Kerry, Bush doesn't whine about how hard the war was for
him. Modesty, a good quality.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the
Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Today in Roman History

Rome, April 19, 45 B.C. - Recent allegations have again opened debate over Julius Caesar's motivations in rebelling against the Senate and ending the Triumvirate. The allegations surfaced in a recently released scroll of Cicero's entitled, "The Path to Civil War". Cicero alleges that Caesar may have in fact planned his conquest of Rome while still involved in conquering Gaul. Cicero further alleges that all preparations were undertaken without Pompey's knowledge. Cicero apparently based his allegations on interviews with Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus, as well as sections of Caesar's own "The Conquest of Gaul."
Caesar himself has denied the allegations, as his lietenant Octavian explained, "There was no plan to overthrow the Trumvirate or start a civil war. 'The Conquest of Gaul' is merely a historical document and should be ignored. Pompey was never out of the loop as these decisions were made. There was no plan to overthrow the Triumvirate or the Senate. When Caesar crossed the Rubicon and said 'The die is cast' he in no way meant that he was marching on Rome in rebellion. The crossing of the Rubicon is not evidence of a plan for civil war. It was really all about defending the Empire from Gallic invasions. This is the kind of trash talk our political opponents resort to whenever it's time to choose a Dictator-For-Life."
Rumors that the scandal had started political infighting in Caesar's camp were quickly denied by Caesar's adopted son Brutus. The allegations come at an uncomfortable time for Caesar, as he has recently taken criticism for his public display of the "Veni, Vidi, Vici" banner after his return from Asia.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

1916 Campaign Flashback

Washington, April 11, 1916 - National Insecurity Advisor Cottmeelyin Twyce testifed before a congressional committee today about last year's sinking of the ocean liner Lusitania. Some excerpts follow:

"There was no way we could have seen it coming, despite that big memo the month before. I think it was titled 'German U-Boats to Sink Ships Travelling to England.' That was merely historical information based on old reporting. No one could have seen that coming."

"Fighting German U-Boats has always been the top priority of this administration. Out of 100 security briefings since he came to office, two have been about German U-Boats, wow! President Wilson was tired of swatting flies, he was waiting for the right time to do more. Really, he was just about to do something big, but I can't say what, that's classified."

"The Taft administration did not leave us with a plan, merely a series of actionable items in a document."

"In a world at war, with Germany threatening ships on the high seas all the time, how could we be expected to foresee an attack on ships on the high seas. There was no silver bullet that could have prevented this tragedy."

After the hearing, White House spokesman Cott Mistellin commented about reports the US is bogged down in Mexico when it should be preparing for the war in Europe, "No one could have foreseen Pancho Villa's raid, or guarded against it. Our army is not bogged down in Mexico, we're bringing democracy and all the Mexicans love us, really. It's actually part of the war against German U-Boats, the information's all there. President Wilson's bold move against Pancho Villa is not about US interests in Mexico, it's about the war on U-Boats. If we even make a plan to leave Mexico at any future date the U-Boats will have won. Only Wilson can protect you from U-Boats, just like he did last year. Fighting U-Boats was his top priority since coming to office, although the evidence of that is all classified."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Operation Rolling Blunder
Washington - The Bush administration responded today to comparisons between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam war. Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin spoke to reporters, "There is no comparison, we're only staying until the government we're creating is secure from attacks by the population. That's called democracy, and definitely not nation building by the way. It's really about the global fight against an ideology which threatens us, since some people in that country have that ideology it's all definitely related, nothing to do with the actual situation in the country or any political agendas back home. Besides, we have to stay to protect our troops, whom we sent there. So we need to keep sending more troops to protect the troops we sent there, who are there so we can protect them. It's not a quagmire, just one of those things where you get stuck and keep getting more stuck as you try to work your way out."


National Insecurity Advisor Cottmeelyin Twyce added, "This is so different from Vietnam, Nixon had a 'secret plan' and we have a series of actionable items which will fix everything. That last memo entitled 'G-d we are so totally screwed over there!' was just historical information based on an old report. Besides, Johnson was just swatting flies with the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, we've known Saddam was bad since he attacked an American frigate in the Gulf in '87, right after Rumsfeld went and met with him. Now the Lusitania, there's a precedent for this operation. If Bush was in office then fighting German subs would have been his top priority immediately after that ship was sunk."


Army spokesman general Wes T. Morrlennd commented from his base at Dyn-bin-Few in Iraq, "We find this behavoir of the Iraqis lately a Tad Offensive, and we're not going to take it. We're definitely winning, and these attacks all over the country only prove how right we are. All I need is a lot more troops, just to really win, cause things are going fine, just fine here, don't believe the media."

pResident Bush himself chimed in, "There's definitely no comparision, I mean Vietnam has jungles and Iraq is all desert and sand, no trees or water, so that's a total difference. I should know, I served during the Vietnam war, clearing the skies over Alabama of Vietnamese bombers on one or two days."


Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the HoolinetCopyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Production. All Rights Absurd.

Powell Admits Error on WMD trailers
Washington - Secretary of State Colin Powell today admitted that the administration's reports of Saddam's mobile weapons laboratories was in fact false. The trailers apparently were not used to make Weapons of Mass Destruction at all.

As Powell reported, the trailers are in fact mobile dwellings belonging to the Marsh arabs of Southern Iraq. Poor and often rootless, the marsh arabs are believed to be the oldest inhabitants of Iraq. Those who live in mobile dwellings are derisively referred to by Sunni Iraqis as "Shiite Trash" a common yet extremely derogatory term. The mass of clutter often surrounding such dwellings can confuse satellite photos. What appeared to be a Soviet made T-72 tank was apparenly in fact a camel up on blocks.

Reports of equipment used for making chemical weapons in fact turned out to be an array of odd, yet unused kitchen implements, including an electric juice extractor, Onion Blossom maker, egg de-sheller, microwave omelet pan and a Bass-o-matic.

Reports of biological compounds in fact turned out to be leftover dishes in the fridge consisting of black-eyed chickpeas and pickled goat's feet.

These so called "Shiite Trash" often carry emblems depicting the glory days of the ancient Sumerian civilization, claiming it was their golden age, before the purity of their race was destroyed by semitic tribes invading from the North during the creation of the Bablyonian empire under Sargon I.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.