Condoleeza Rice Sings

Condoleeza Rice refused this week to testify before the 9-11 commission (Congress, what right do they have to ask questions? Of course it's the commission appointed by the pResident, not that she has anything to hide;). She did however sing this little number. Why...
...because I can.

Republican Girl
(To the tune of "Material Girl" by Madonna)

I'm a lackey, Bush he backs me
I think that's OK
If the commission tries to ask me
I'll just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't make me do what's right
Cause Bu$hco with it's cold hard cash
Is always mister right 'cause we are

chorus:
Living in a Republican world
And I am a Republican girl
You know that we are living in a Republican world
And I am a Republican girl

So we ignored terrorist threats
That's all right with me
If they can't prove it I'll repeat lies
Say "top priority"

Networks cry and Fox news lies but
I don't have to play
Only truths that Bush approves
Am I allowed to say, cause we are

(Chorus)

Living in a Republican world (Republican)
Living in a Republican world
Living in a Republican world (Republican)
Living in a Republican world

Truth we make up truth we change
And that's all right you see
My boss he has made me rich
And now they're after me 'cause everybody's

(Chorus)

A Republican, a Republican, A Republican, A Republican world

Living in a Republican world (Republican)
Living in a Republican world

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

The Return of the Wild KnishesBrussels - European enviromental groups have been surprised recently by reports of a resurgence of wild knish sightings in Eastern Europe. The knish, once a wide ranging animal in Eastern Europe, was largely domesticated by the sixteenth century. Wild knishes are reportedly dangerous, especially when cornered. The domesticated knish, however, is a docile creature, good with children and sour cream. The last reported wild knish hunt was the great knish massacre of 1914, during a hunting party of the Archduke Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary and Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany at Konopiste in Bohemia. The Knish has not been seen wild in Eastern Europe since WWII, like the once numerous wild gefilte fish (see The Legend of the Mighty Gefilte). Recent fears of "Mad Knish" disease have further hurt this once thriving industry. Most knishes nowadays are raised in the US, although food critics claim the American breeds lack the flavor, vitality and personality of their East European Counterparts.
In related news, attempts are being made to reintroduce herds of wild matzoh to the plains of Israel. Once numerous in the Middle East, wild Matzoh has not been seen in the region for nearly 2,000 years. The recent popularity of "Mount Zion Oysters" (matozh balls) has led to increasing demand for this now domesticated animal.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copryight 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Mel Gibson Blames Jesus for Crucifixion

Hollywood - In a stunning announcement today, Mel Gibson has decided to release a new version of his film "The Passion of the Christ" which puts the blame squarely on one person, namely Jesus himself. Mr. Gibson explained, "I've actually been reading alot of G-d's Bible since the unwarranted controversy surrounding my lovely film. It turns out our Lord may have actually been a J-O-O himself, oi weh! This is was at first hard for me to fathom, as my film originally blamed the Jews for killing our Lord. If Jesus was a Jew, then he must share the blame along with all Jews for all time. Thus he's a suicide and a deicide, and a schmutzig Red Sea pedestrian. It can be damn hard to reconcile anti-semitism with logic, but I'm sure going to give it a try. Not that I'm anti-semitic, that's just what all those dirty, evil Jews say, every last one of them. G-d help us all."

In response, Mr. Gibson has reportedly quit being a Christian, stating, "No way I'm worshipping some gefilte eating schmendrick with a circumcision and a Yarmulke. I now embrace the one true prophet and you can call me Malik Ghib-Sahn." In the future Mr. Gibson plans to make a movie depicting 9-11 as a Jewish plot orchestrated by a secret Cabal consisting of Ariel Sharon, Woody Allen, Rob Reiner and Rod Carew. He also is apparently working on a remake of "Schindler's List" in which no one is killed because the Germans are such nice people.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Uses Bodies of 9-11 Victims in Ads

Washington - pResident Bush's campaign attracted controversy this week by exhuming the bodies of victims of the World Trade Center attacks for a new series of ads. The ads feature a triumphant George Bush standing atop a pile of victim's bodies and a voiceover stating, "Only by keeping George Bush in office can you prevent this from happening again. If Bush loses, bin Laden wins." The ads have come under fire from families of the victims. Many complain that it is disrespectful for the pResident to use the bodies for political gain.

Bush campaign person Innah Proepreeit defended the ads, "We have a right to dig up those bodies whenever we need them, 9-11 belongs to George Bush and is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, just like Iraq. Only by keeping George Bush in office can you prevent horrible tragedies like this one that happened while he was in office. Do you want some politically experienced war hero like John Kerry coming in with a fresh approach? No, never change horsemen mid-apocalypse."

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin further explained the pResident's campaign, "We would never use those bodies for political gain. We just need to show them off to make a political point, over and over and over. That's all. We'll have no choice but to wheel those bodies out again when the convention comes, coincidentally in New York in September. Gosh, it's a small world, isn't it?"

In other news, white house leaks report the pResident has taken to having bodies of victims carted around with him in order to win arguments over when meetings are scheduled, what to serve for dinner, and whether Laura really does have a headache.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.