Bush Proposes Constitutional Amendment
Washington - pResident Bush announced today that he will propose a consitutional amendment banning KISS weddings. KISS weddings are a growing phenomenon where fans of the rock band wear KISS makeup during the ceremony. pResident Bush announced that the threat such marriages posed to traditional marriage called for a constitutional amendment, "Our society faces a grave threat which shakes its very foundations. Activist judge, and by activist judges I mean judges who make rulings I don't like, have taken to allowing KISS weddings. Despite the fact that there isn't actually a body of law banning KISS weddings, such rulings by activist judges constitute judicial activism, a naughty phrase I like to use a lot to talk about judges who do things I don't like. It is not the place of judges to interpret the law. That would constitute judicial activism. These activist judges cannot be allowed to interpret the law in ways I don't like. Have you people forgotten September 11th? I'm in charge now."

pResident Bush went on to explain the need for a constitutional amendment. "Look, if the judical activist branch of government is going to do things I don't like thats a perfect reason for an amendment. Previous amendments expanded freedom, like the right to free speech, ending slavery, giving women the right to vote. It's about time we made an amendment for all history limiting freedom, that would be fair and balanced. Our constitution has to protect us from activist judges interpreting the law in their activist ways. Let's be clear, activist judges are bad, judges who do things I don't like are activist judges. Let me say it again, activist, activist, activist!"

"Marriage is in jeopardy. Laura and I can't possibly continue to have a loving,lasting marriage knowing that somewhere someone is getting married in a style different from our own. The whole institution is ruined for us. America is not about doing things your own way. We need an amendment that tells everyone to do it my way. That will protect our freedom from activist judges who make activist judicial judgements in activist ways."

pResidential spokesman Cott Mistellin added, "These KISS weddings are ruining marriage. Legalizing KISS weddings will force us to legalize polygamy, incest and bestiality. I have no proof of that, it's just one of those things that's true, like W's service in the national guard. We don't need proof, we just need to say polygamy, incest and bestiality whenever we say KISS weddings, so you hear polygamy incest and bestiality in the same sentence. It's a better way to get your message across than judicial activism which threatens to destroy the sanctity of marriage in this country."
Mr. Mistellin then excused himself and flew to Vegas, where he married a stripper in a drive through chapel, woke up, got an anulment and began writing a constitutional amendment banning hangovers.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet.
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

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Darwin's Birthday Song

In honor of Darwin's Birthday and Georgia's recent attempts to remove the word "evolution" from textbooks:
They Took Out All the Science
(To the tune of "She Blinded Me With Science" by Dolby Thomas

It's such an absurd notion
Darwin causing controversy
Sailing southern oceans
Only recording what he sees
mm - But they took out all the science
"They took out all the science!"
And got rid of biology

When we examine nature
"Took out all the science - science!"
Humans came from animals
"Took out all the science-science!"
"Science!"
Science!"

mm - But it's such an absurd notion
Darwin causing controversy
Sailing southern oceans
Only recording what he sees
mm - But they took out all the science
And got rid of geology

When Darwin is banned you will see
"Took out all the science - science!"
"Science!"
Apes will catch up easily
"Took out all the science - science!"
"Science!"

It's an absurd notion
Six thousand years from Eve to me
Let's keep faith in the churches
And science out of Sacristies
"They took out all the science"
Replaced it with theology

"Good heavens miss Lucy - You're beautiful!"
I -
I don't believe it!
There they go again!
We thought we proved the scientific method
Dark Ages are back
With heresies
And antiquated notions

But! - It's an absurd notion
Darwin causing controversy
Sailing southern oceans
Only recording what he sees
mm - But they took out all the science
"The took out all the - the science!"
They took out all the -

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Bush Appoints Panel to Investigate Intelligence Failures

Washington - pResident Bush announced today that he will appoint a panel to investigate recent intelligence failures, particularly the failure of his own intelligence. The panel will investigate recent reports of the pResident's intelligence and report if it finds any.

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin stated, "This investigation will prove that this administration has never misled or lied to the American people. Rather it has suffered from a series of intelligence failures, particularly failures with the pResident's intelligence. It's not our fault, this administration has never had anything to do with intelligence of any kind."

The CIA was quick to deny any involvement in the pResident's intelligence failures. CIA Spokesman Frendov Halleeburtin commented, "The CIA has been forced to rely on technical intelligence due to a lack of human intelligence in this administration. Technically the intelligence of the administration is flawed by the its own lack of human intelligence."

Examples of such intelligence failures were laid out by National Insecurity Advisor Cottmelyin Twyce, "The major failure in the pResident's intelligence may have been his belief in the existence of WMD's despite all evidence to the contrary. Or it could have been his belief that the secular nationalist megalomaniac Saddam Hussein was in league with the religious fanatic Bin Laden despite the complete lack of compelling evidence. Of course this pResident also believes in the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and trickle-down economics. Not to mention the magic Debt fairy that at some future day will erase all government debt so we don't have to worry about it now."

Mr. Mistellin added some other examples of this failure of intelligence, "The budget shortfall is not our fault, it's a failure of our intelligence. Math is hard, really hard. We didn't fail at diplomacy, our horrible diplomatic situation is a failure of our intelligence, as is the mess in Iraq. Sorry soldiers, blame it on our total lack of intelligence. Who could have foreseen a long occupation? Not us that's for sure. This goes way back. The pResident was a victim of intelligence failure when he couldn't find his air base for a year to fulfill his Air National Guard duty during the Vietnam War."

As reported by FAUX news, this failure of intelligence has spread. Halliburton has just announced a massive intelligence failure was responsible for it's overcharging of the government by at least 24 million for feeding troops. Said Halliburton spokesman Frendov Dikchainy, "It was not an attempt to cheat our army or our soldiers. We're glad we were caught red-handed. It allows us to realize that accouting is hard. We didn't get to be a multi-billion dollar corporation by knowing anything about money. It's just a failure of our intelligence."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.