Bush Defines Courage

Washington - The White House announced today that it would be reviewing the records of all American military personnel awarded medals and revoking the awards for those deemed unsupportive of pResident Bush. Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin explained the new policy, "People thought we were crazy to belittle Kerry's military record, or to go after veterans like Max Cleland or John McCain. We'd like to point out that real courage is the kind of courage one sees in the pResident and not in some silly swift boat skipper playing on the sunny shores of the Mekong Delta. Therefore we have officially made the definition of courage and honor 'unflinching, unthinking total support of George W. Bush, right or wrong'. That's the kind of courage we need. All Americans who lack this courage do not deserve medals. Real men are brave enough to read 'My Pet Goat' while America's under attack, real men can join the Air Guard instead of going to Vietnam, and skip most of that duty. Real men have this kind of courage, because they unfailingly follow George W. Bush."

The Department of Homeland Insecurity announced that under the new rules, it would be reviewing the records of all Americans who fought in Iraq and any previous wars for suspicion of cowardice. Department Spokesman Orr Wellian explained the criteria for determining cowardice, "Voting Democrat, being related to Democrats, reading the New York Times, questioning anything the pResident does or says, not believing invading Iraq was a necessary step in capturing Osama bin Laden, saying WMD's have not been found in Iraq, or any mention of the word 'enviroment.' John Kerry is a coward, he's proven it time and again, so this isn't politics, but a statement of fact."

The reaction from the Pentagon was muted. Reports state that almost all medal winners in American History meet the new criteria for cowardice and the Pentagon was reportedly interested in honoring courage in the face of enemy fire by all Americans. Fortunately for the Bush administration all dissenters in the Pentagon have been fired for cowardice.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Producitons. All Rights Absurd.