Drunks For Truth

Washington - The Bush campaign announced a lawsuit today against a group "Drunks for Truth" which has been running a massive ad campaign attacking the pResident's war record. The ads, which feature veterans of the Texas and Alabama Air National Guard, claim Bush's military record during the Vietnam era has been greatly exagerrated.

Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin attacked the accuracy of the ads as well as the agenda of the group, "These people may have technically served in the Air Guard during the Vietnam war, but they didn't actually drink with the pResident. Some of them rarely went to bars, and I know for a fact that one of them has been a lifelong teetotaler. To claim that they went through what the pResident went through during that difficult time of national crisis is just despicable. This is all part of the vicious smear attack of the lying, cheating, whoring, devil-worshipping, sheep-shearing Kerry campaign which uses 'Bush-Bashing' and unfair childish name calling to bring dirty politics into American culture."

The group "Drunks For Truth" themselves claims Bush's record during these years is not only exagerrated, but often completely false. Bush's reputed alcholism is said to have been no more than a mild fondness for white wine spritzers which caused him to oversleep, miss a physical and lose his flight status. Bush's driving record is purported to have been no more than reckless driving and not a DWI. And Bush's never-denied cocaine use is reported to have been no more than a minor incident involving a spilled packet of sweet-n-low and three shots of expresso.

The Bush campaign vigorously attacked the credibility of the group. Bush campaign spokesperson Watt Irgate commented, "Some of these guys claim they went through what the pResident did in those years but that's false. One guy who appeared in the ads talking about DWI's really only has a few speeding tickets and a failure to yield on his record. And cocaine, hah! Most of these guys wouldn't know good Columbian powder if it was poured over them with a dumptruck. As to drinking, none of these guys put together could hold a beer bong to the pResident in those years. They were sippin' 3.2 while the pResident was downin' jack like it was soda pop. The pResident's war record is well known and we don't have to answer such lies from people who didn't really serve with him. Most of them spent their duty hours on base flying planes or some bullshit like that. We know this for a fact because their records don't have any unfortunate gaps - so there!"

The Kerry campaign meanwhile has avoided any mention of the ads. Kerry is reportedly uneasy about an open comparison of the two candidates war records, as he was believed to have been more concerned with dodging bullets and rescuing wounded soldiers than braving shots at the bar.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.