2004 Election Results Announced Today

Washington - In a surprise move today, the White House announced that the final results of the 2004 election were in. Whitewash spokesman Cott Mistellin commented, "With the threat of terrorism surrounding the election, we went to those perfect strangers we have no connection to at Diebold inc. and asked if there was anything they could do to smooth things over.  Well it turns out Diebold machines are so sophisticated they were capable of predicting with a 99.9999999999% accuracy the intentions of likely voters, within the parameters of Diebold's top secret voting algorithms.  Thus we were spared the turmoil of another election and are now able to announce the results without even telling the Supreme Court what to do.  Of 144 Million votes cast, 135,000 were for John Kerry, 25,000 for Ralph Nader, 1,347 for Ralph the Wonder Llama and 537,647,132 for George W. Bush.  That is all, thank you and G-d Bless America."

   The timing of the results as well as the figures has raised some questions among voters, but there has been little interest from the fanatically liberal media.  Said one drugged-up cross-dressing hippie CNN spokesman, "Heck, if we had the balls to really investigate this whole Diebold thing, don't you think we would have started asking hard questions a long time ago?"  A heroin shooting hooknosed intellectual from the New York Times added, "Our lack of serious criticism of the whole electronic voting phenomenon has yielded conclusive results that everything is fine."  A strong, masculine, patriotic christian commentator for FAUX news added, "George W. Bush is our infallible Golden G-d, only he can protect us from terrorists, everything is fine, really. Of course democracy is safe, if it wasn't the Bush administration would have told you so."

  In response to the criticism, the president of Diebold inc. Mr. Mack E. Ovelly released this statement, "All votes were counted fairly.  The Diebold machines ran a self-diagnostic that says everything was done on the up and up.  We'd show you the software but that's a secret.  The extremely high number of votes cast for George Bush reflects the passion the American voter feels for this great American leader whom I have never met and have no connection to whatsoever. There is no need for a paper trail, this is the twenty-first century, not the Alabama Air National Guard. We now have the capability to predict elections well in advance, thus sparing the voter the agonizingly long campaign season."

  Department of Homeland Insecurity head Tom Ridge raised the terror alert status during the election from Gray (Suspicious - something is wrong but you can't put your finger on it or come up with definitive proof) to Black (Orwellian - Something is definitely wrong but you'll keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for you, you are patriotic, aren't you?).  Said Mr. Ridge, "Anarchists, terrorists, voters, who knows who could have meddled with an election.  Thanks to our good friends at Diebold, who I have never met and don't even know their names, democracy is safe in this country, everyone just keep quiet and everything will be fine, just fine."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
 Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.