1916 Campaign Flashback

Washington, April 11, 1916 - National Insecurity Advisor Cottmeelyin Twyce testifed before a congressional committee today about last year's sinking of the ocean liner Lusitania. Some excerpts follow:

"There was no way we could have seen it coming, despite that big memo the month before. I think it was titled 'German U-Boats to Sink Ships Travelling to England.' That was merely historical information based on old reporting. No one could have seen that coming."

"Fighting German U-Boats has always been the top priority of this administration. Out of 100 security briefings since he came to office, two have been about German U-Boats, wow! President Wilson was tired of swatting flies, he was waiting for the right time to do more. Really, he was just about to do something big, but I can't say what, that's classified."

"The Taft administration did not leave us with a plan, merely a series of actionable items in a document."

"In a world at war, with Germany threatening ships on the high seas all the time, how could we be expected to foresee an attack on ships on the high seas. There was no silver bullet that could have prevented this tragedy."

After the hearing, White House spokesman Cott Mistellin commented about reports the US is bogged down in Mexico when it should be preparing for the war in Europe, "No one could have foreseen Pancho Villa's raid, or guarded against it. Our army is not bogged down in Mexico, we're bringing democracy and all the Mexicans love us, really. It's actually part of the war against German U-Boats, the information's all there. President Wilson's bold move against Pancho Villa is not about US interests in Mexico, it's about the war on U-Boats. If we even make a plan to leave Mexico at any future date the U-Boats will have won. Only Wilson can protect you from U-Boats, just like he did last year. Fighting U-Boats was his top priority since coming to office, although the evidence of that is all classified."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.